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Non-Tech : The Critical Investing Workshop -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Ex-INTCfan who wrote (33414)	11/15/2000 5:49:16 PM
From: Cactus Jack	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 35685

INTCfan, The three of you could play Jeopardy for the presidency. Can I be Alex Trebek? jpgill

To: Ex-INTCfan who wrote (33414)	11/15/2000 5:50:42 PM
From: abuelita	Respond to of 35685

This "English" humour was just e-mailed to me. Hope you enjoy it in the spirit I'm posting it in. > NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE > > To the citizens of the United States of America, > In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to > govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your > independence, effective today. > > Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over > all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she > does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The rt. hon. Tony Blair, MP for > the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world > outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need > for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A > questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you > noticed. > > To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules > are introduced with immediate effect: > > 1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then > look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at > just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise > your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same > twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you > know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up > "interspersed". > > 2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on > your behalf. > > 3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It > really isn't that hard. > > 4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the > good guys. > > 5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", > but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get > confused and give up half way through. > > 6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of > football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. > The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders > may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no > longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. > Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult > game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby > (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for > a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like > poofters). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by > 2005. > > 7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if > they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not aware that there is > a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians > have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "shit". > > 8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new > national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day". > > 9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your > own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. > > 10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy. > > Thank you for your cooperation.