GORON AWARD CANDIDATES 2000
1) In September in Detroit, a 41-year-old man (A DEMOCRAT WHO VOTED FOR GORE)
got stuck and drowned in two
feet of water after squeezing head first through an
18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.
2) Buxton, NC: A man (A DEMOCRAT WHO VOTED FOR GORE) died on a beach when an
8-foot-deep hole he had dug into the sand caved in as he sat inside it.
Beachgoers said Daniel Jones,21 dug the hole for fun, or protection from
the wind, and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday
afternoon when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on
the beach, on the outer banks, used their hands and shovels, trying to claw
their way to Jones, a resident of Woodbridge, VA, but could not reach
him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free
him while about 200 people looked on.
Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.
3) In February, Santiago Alvarado(A DEMOCRAT WHO VOTED FOR GORE), 24, was killed in Lompoc, CA, as he fell
face-first through the ceiling of bicycle shop he was raiding. Death was
caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth (to keep his
hands free) rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.
4) Sylvester Briddell(A DEMOCRAT WHO VOTED FOR GORE), Jr ,26, was killed in February in Selbyville, Del,
as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded
with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.
DARWIN AWARD HONORABLE MENTIONS
1) In Elyria, Ohio, in October, Martyn Eskins(A DEMOCRAT WHO VOTED FOR GORE), attempting to clean out
cobwebs in his basement, declined to use a broom in favor of a propane
torch and caused a fire that burned the first and second floors of his house.
2) Paul Stiller(A DEMOCRAT WHO VOTED FOR GORE), 47, was hospitalized in Andover Township, NJ, in
September, and his wife Bonnie was also injured, by a quarter-stick of
dynamite that blew up in their car. While driving around at 2 AM, the
bored couple lit the dynamite and tried to toss it out the window to see
what would happen, but they apparently failed to notice that the window was
closed.
3) TACOMA, WA - Kerry Bingham(A DEMOCRAT WHO VOTED FOR GORE), had been drinking with several friends when
one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from the Tacoma
Narrows Bridge. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men
trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 am.
Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had
brought bungee rope.
Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a
coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. One end of the cable was secured
around Bingham's leg and the other end was tied to the bridge.
His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at
the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy river water and
was rescued by two nearby fishermen. "All I can say,"
said Bingham, "is that God was watching out for me on that night.
There's just no other explanation for it." Bingham's foot was never located.
....AND THE WINNER IS:
PADERBORN, GERMANY - Overzealous zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt (A DEMOCRAT WHO VOTED FOR GORE)fed his
constipated elephant 'Stefan' 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a
bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up elephant finally
let fly-and suffocated the keeper under 200 pounds of poop! Investigators
say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an
olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded on him like a dump truck
full of mud. "The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation
knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground, where he struck his head on a rock
and lay unconscious as the elephant continued to evacuate his bowels on top
of him," said flabbergasted Paderborn police detective Erik Dern. "With
no one there to help him, he lay under all that dung for at least an hour
before a watchman came along, and during that time he suffocated. "It
seems to be just one of those freak accidents that happen."
3]
"I began to understand that the promises of the world are for the most
part phantoms, and that to have faith in oneself and become something of
worth and value is the best and safest course."
Michelangelo, 1475-1564
Italian Architect, Painter and Sculptor |
