SbH - Fun article. From their web site, it looks like a beautiful cathedral. Also in a lighter vein, and less reverential, here's an open letter to Al Gore from the Sunday Tony Kornheiser column:
Someone Get The Hook
By Tony Kornheiser
Sunday, December 3, 2000; Page F01
Dear Al:
I can call you Al, right? I feel like we're on a first-name basis, because I see you on TV every night begging for votes. You're like somebody from Pledge Week. How can I get you to stop? More to the point, if I agree to go to Florida and vote for you, how many ballots do I have to dimple before you send me a CD? (Not a tote bag, dammit.)
Not that I could actually get my hands on a ballot. I saw them trucked up to Tallahassee from Palm Beach with a police escort and news vans following behind, TV helicopters overhead. It was so eerily reminiscent of the O.J. low-speed chase I was waiting to hear David Boies on a CB radio saying, "I'm in the Ryder. I've got Al Gore with me. I'm bringing him in. But back off. He's got a loaded chad pointed at his head."
Anyway, Al, I know that a lot of folks are asking you to drop out now. Some are asking you to do this, quite frankly, because they can't stand watching you on TV. Half the time you're flapping around like a great heron. Honestly, can't you keep your head still? What are you doing, auditioning for "Exorcist III: The Recount"?
Most people who want you to drop out, though, are saying you should do it for the good of the country.
Country-schmuntry.
Do it for me. Al, baby, two words: Bor-ing!
This election is, like, sooo over. If I had the clicker, I'd be way past your channel by now.
Seriously, what is your problem?
I mean, you don't really think you're going to be president, do you? The dope won. You lost. Get over it.
I understand you have to keep up the pretense of winning. And I know it's killing you that Bush has asked Katherine Harris for the first dance at the Inaugural Ball and Dick "Large and in Charge" Cheney is itching to change all the locks on the White House. But isn't setting up your "transition team" a bit of a reach? What positions are you offering in the (wink, wink) Gore administration? Ambassador to Remulak?
I see footage of you sitting there, pathetically speed-dialing everybody in town. You look like a telemarketer. You gonna go from trolling for votes to selling Ronco Egg Scramblers? Hmm, you think you could do any volume in Semi-Lifelike Al Gore Action Figures{reg}.
The meter's running, Al. This thing has already taken almost FOUR WEEKS. Carmen Electra's marriages don't last this long.
You know, I think I may be to blame for all this. A couple weeks back, I was telling everyone how I wanted this to go on and on. Al, I was joking. I'm a humor writer. What, you thought I was David Broder?
Not to put too fine a point on it, but how many times must "Friends" be interrupted for a special bulletin about which court you plan to petition next so you can get a recount in West Eckveldt, Fla.? (Some of these judges you've got--where'd you find them, at a bus terminal?) You're just not that important, Al. You had a good run, but it's not like you're Matthew Perry.
I'm glad you think that there's a great civics lesson being taught here--that every vote counts. But where I live, in the District of Columbia, for years they didn't actually count any votes. They just threw them in a pile marked "For Marion Barry."
Of course you don't want to give up: If you don't win, you don't have a job. And with your recent, um, overeager performances on TV, it's not like Ted Koppel has anything to worry about. For that matter it's not like Bernie Koppel has anything to worry about.
Go home, Al. Kiss your wife. (Not like that.) Play touch football. Do whatever it is that 52-year-old rich white men do when they're out of work--learn to paint, trade online, download porn.
Don't make us have to pry the chads out of your cold, dead fingers. First you went to the Florida Supreme Court. Then you brought the election to the U.S. Supreme Court. What's next, the Supreme Soviet? How many Supremes are left before you get to Diana Ross?
I'll bet if we could vote again the results would be a whole lot different--I mean now that we've seen how you guys react under stress.
You're a train wreck.
Lieberman never met a spotlight he didn't like. You light a match near this guy and he'll do the first act of "Annie."
Cheney had a heart attack.
Bush's face was visited by boils.
(I know you're trying to make it sound like it's not personal between you and Georgie, but tell the truth, when you see Bush squinting at the teleprompter from his Texas ranch, and he purses his lips and his face starts to twitch and he makes that same robotic speech about how he's won like a zillion times already, and if there's another recount he's going to hold his breath until his face turns blue, don't you get the sense that he's so lost that Cheney and Baker ought to be dropping bread crumbs? No wonder Bush's numbers go down every time he tries to look presidential. It only reminds people that when all the fun is over, this guy is actually gonna be president!)
By the way, am I the only one who's bothered by the fact that Bush refers every question to Baker? What did I miss? Did Jim Baker get elected something?
Speaking of very former secretaries of state, what did you do with Warren Christopher? One day he's out front, the man on the podium, and the next day he's vanished. Poof. Where's Warren? Did he molt? Is he wrapped up in a cocoon somewhere, waiting to emerge as a butterfly? Quick, somebody call 911 and put out an alert for an old guy with Mr. Potato Head eyebrows and a $5,000 British suit.
It's your show now, Al. You're everywhere. Wasn't that you on "BattleBots"? I know I saw you being interviewed by Claire Shipman on NBC. You tried to appear calm, as if you haven't been thrashing around since Nov. 7 like someone possessed. You said, "I sleep like a baby."
Yeah, I know.
Rosemary's. |
