Does "John" have a well functioning human brain?
I am keenly aware that this moderated thread does not want to ban posters indiscriminately, but John's post earlier this morning raises the timely question of what, if any, meaningful contribution he is capable of offering to this thread. If it appears he has a sound, functioning cerebral cortex then one may reasonably conclude that someday, somehow, he may grow up to say something worth reading. On the other hand, if "John's" post reveals a malfunctioning, diseased, or nonexistent cerebellum then it must be concluded he is some lower form of plant or animal life, or that he has a diseased mind incapable of adding anything worthwhile to this thread.
In other words, I am asking, "Is John smart or sane enough to be worthy of everyone's time spent reading his posts or should he be banned by the thread's originator?" We may find the answer by parsing his post for what it reveals about his character.
1. John's post begins: "Haha!"
Now, this interjection may be intended to reveal a eureka! of intellectual excitement and discovery, or it may be merely the predatory snarl of a brain stem with nothing more than animal urges. We can't tell yet. We need to read further.
2. "Your hatred of Bush and the media's hatred of Bush conspired in a whopping ironic twist of fate to hand him the Presidency."
What do you think? Is there a coherent thought here or just the babbling of a confused mind? Certainly, John's brain is fevered by a ridiculously broad, unsubstantiated conspiracy theory - a condition that relieves him of the need to know facts or engage in logical reasoning. More telling, however, is the senseless, contradictory nature of the very proposition he is trying to assert.
Take "John" on his own terms. How can someone's "hatred" (or even the "media's hatred") be the cause of an event which "John" himself characterizes as "ironic...fate"? Fate is a word which Fowler reminds us means a ‘predetermining of events from eternity.' "Ironic" carries the meaning of ‘unexpected,' ‘surprising,'or ‘coincidental.' Thus, John's sentence, taken on its face, seems to offer only a contradictory and logically inconsistent notion –- that of a 'predetermined surprise.' This is hardly the product of a well functioning organ of intellect.
3. John's next sentence reads, "Doh!!!"
Doh? Dough? Doe? Whatever. Once again, we are left to wonder if John's interjection is the product of a well functioning cerebellum or the aimless grunt of a brain stem belonging to some lower form of life. To be sure, even lesser species have more self-awareness than inanimate objects -- say, like a dog turd, which for all we know John closely resembles. On the other hand, the brains of lesser species function exclusively at the primal level. Therefore, they are ignorant of even the most basic rules of language, spelling, grammar, and logical reasoning and have nothing worthwhile to say.
4. "How mortified you and the media must be. Beautiful!"
Let's overlook the awkward preposition dangling at the end of John's first sentence and ask, "What exactly is John trying to say here?" First, please note, it seems he isn't sure himself. The use of the infinitive "must be" gives away John's admission that he is engaging in mere speculation. He does not know himself if what he is saying is true.
Second, given the context it would appear John is trying to assert that because Bush was ‘fated' to be elected, the media therefore is ‘mortified'? That, of course, is as senseless as saying that the "media" must be "mortified" about gravity or any other eternal predetermination.
So what really lies behind John's thought (if we may be so generous to call it such)? This may be revealed in the single word sentence which follows: "Beautiful!" he says.
Here, John is either saying he truly believes ‘mortification' to be pretty to the eye, which makes no sense, or he is manifesting indifference and even pleasure in another's pain, which of course is something we usually associate only with predatory animals and very sick minds.
5. "And if you love Jesse Jackson so much, why don't you join the NAACP and give him and Kweisi Mfume your paycheck each month as proof of your obedience to them and their cause? If not, just give your money to the Democratic Party. There is absolutely no difference."
Oh-oh. A very basic spelling error (‘their' instead of 'there'). This raises some doubt as to whether "John" is, as mentioned earlier, sufficiently familiar with basic rules of language and grammar as to be considered a higher form of life; or is his intellect in reality something closer to that of your average turnip?
An objective reader might find in John's advice to donate money to the NAACP (and his suggested alternative recommendation to send it to the Democratic Party) some proof that "John" actually is a thinking human being with a functioning brain, for it is largely accepted that throughout the entire animal kingdom only human beings have the capacity for love, logical reasoning, and altruism.
So is John an altruist and therefore a thinking, feeling human being? This depends on whether John's advice is well intentioned. If his advice to donate to the NAACP is sincere, then plainly he qualifies as having a well functioning cerebral cortex and -- believing as I do that everyone has an opportunity for ultimate redemption -- I would conclude that however long the odds, someday John may manage to say something that is worth reading. In this case, we ought not to ban him from making further contributions to this thread, however unbearable they may be for the moment.
On the other hand, there is a more disturbing possibility. John's "advice" may not have been sincere or well intentioned at all. In fact, he may have meant it sarcastically. If so, then John's suggestion that everyone donate all of their salaries to this charity or its chief executive must reflect a deep-seated pathological desire to mock and belittle the NAACP and Kweisi Mfume because of race and bring to ruin those who are in sympathy with them. This is hardly evidence of John's humanity. It would make him either the unfortunate victim of some mental illness or disease, or possibly a member of the rutabaga family.
In such a case, it would be an act of kindness to ban him. It would be kind to John in bringing the diagnosis to his attention so he can quickly seek treatment, and kind to the rest of us in sparing us the tedium of his racist, bigoted, ignorant, uneducated, ungrammatical, illogical, and sick scribblings.
What do you think?
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