Got this by e-mail. I think this should amuse you.
Postal Experiments conducted for the
Annals of Improbable Research (AIR)
improb.com
Postal Experiments
by Jeff Van Bueren San Francisco, California
Having long been genuine admirers of the United States Postal Service
(USPS), which gives amazingly reliable service especially compared with
many other countries, our team of investigators decided to test the
delivery limits of this immense system. We knew that an item, say, a
saucepan, normally would be in a package because of USPS concerns of
entanglement in their automated machinery. But what if the item were
not wrapped? How patient are postal employees? How honest? How
sentimental? In short, how eccentric a behavior on the part of the
sender would still result in successful mail delivery?
Testing the Limits
We sent a variety of unpackaged items to U.S. destinations,
appropriately stamped for weight and size, as well as a few items
packaged as noted. We sent items that loosely fit into the following
general categories: valuable, sentimental, unwieldy, pointless,
potentially suspicious, and disgusting. We discovered that although
some items were never delivered, most of the objects of even highly
unusual form did get delivered, as long as the items had a definitely
ample value of stamps attached. The Postal Service appears to be
amazingly tolerant of the foibles of its public and seems occasionally
willing to relax specific postal regulations.
Procedures
Our research staff began the project by obtaining and reviewing
relevant information on USPS regulations and discussing, in a limited
and very hypothetical manner, the planned project with USPS 800 number
personnel. A group of mailable objects was then assembled, stamped
with abundant postage by weight and size, and mailed at public postal
collection boxes (when possible to cram the object through the
aperture) or at postal stations (if possible). A card was strapped to
the object with duct tape or stranded strapping tape, and postage was
affixed to the card, except as otherwise noted below.
Senders and receivers were interchangeable; the mailings were
double-masked to conceal the identity of our mailing specialists, and
gloves were used to prepare the mailings (to avoid fingerprints). In no
case was a return address givenÑeach object either went forward to its
destination or was lost to follow-up. An object was considered lost if
it was not received within the 180-day study parameter. All objects
were sent first class using five-digit ZIP codes to actual domestic
addresses, and the number of days to delivery were recorded (excluding
postal holidays). The condition of the object upon receipt was also
recorded, if it had changed, as was any unusual communication, verbal
or written, from the postal carrier or counter clerk.
Materials and Findings
The items we mailed fall into several broad classifications, which are
described here.
***
VALUABLE ITEMS.
These were items that seemed stealable or had some apparent business
worth.
Letter with stamp placed at top left corner (incorrect stamp location).
Formal business-style letter, to formal business name, in high-quality
envelope. Days to delivery, 21. The stamp was crossed out by hand; the
top right corner of the envelope was stamped with the following:
EVIDENCE POSTAGE WAS AFFIXED, ONE RATE OK'D.
$1 bill. Sealed in clear plastic, with label attached with address and
postage. Days to delivery, 6.
$20 bill. Days to delivery, 4.
Football. Days to delivery, 6. Male postal carrier was talkative and
asked recipient about the scores of various current games. Carrier
noted that mail must be wrapped.
Pair of new, expensive tennis shoes. Strapped together with duct tape.
Days to delivery, 7. When shoes were picked up at station, laces were
tied tightly together with difficult-to-remove knot. Clerk noted that
mail must be wrapped.
SENTIMENTAL ITEMS
Rose. Postage and address were attached to a card that was tied to the
stem. Delivery at doorstep, 3 days, beat up but the rose bud was still
attached.
Wooden postcard. Dimension 4" x 6" x 3/8", showing a moose and mailed
from Maine. Postage used was 20 cents in spite of the added weight,
because investigators strongly expected successful delivery in this
case. Days to delivery, 6.
Molar tooth. Mailed in clear plastic box. Made a nice rattling sound.
Repackaged in padded mailer by unknown individual; the postage and
address had been transferred to the outside of the new packaging. A
handwritten note in a womanÕs writing inside read, "Please be advised
that human remains may not be transported through the mail, but we
assumed this to be of sentimental value, and made an exception in your
case." Days to delivery, 14.
Sound-emitting toy. A monkey-in-box toy that, upon shaking, shouted,
"Let me out of here! Help! Let me out of here!" Addressed in big
letters to LITTLE JOHNNIE. Sound toy was equipped with a new battery.
Delivery at doorstep, 6 days.
UNWIELDY ITEMS. These were items that would be a challenge to handle.
Hammer. Card was strapped to hammer handle; extra-large amount of
postage was attached. Never received.
Feather duster. The card with postage and address was attached by wire
to the handle. Days to notice of delivery, 6. Clerk at station
commented that mail must be wrapped.
Ski. A large amount of postage was affixed to a card that was attached
to the ski. The ski was slipped into a bin of postage that was being
loaded into a truck behind a station (a collaborating staff member
created a verbal disturbance up the street to momentarily distract
postal workersÕ attention). Notice of postage due received, 11 days.
Upon pickup at the station, the clerk and supervisor consulted a book
of postage regulations together for 2 minutes and 40 seconds before
deciding on additional postage fee to assess. Clerk asked if mailing
specialist knew how this had been mailed; our recipient said she did
not know. Clerk also noted that mail must be wrapped.
Never-opened small bottle of spring water. We observed the street
corner box surreptitiously the following day upon mail collection.
After puzzling briefly over this item, the postal carrier removed the
mailing label and drank the contents of the bottle over the course of a
few blocks as he worked his route.
Helium balloon. The balloon was attached to a weight. The address was
written on the balloon with magic marker; no postage was affixed. Our
operative argued strongly that he should be charged a negative postage
and refunded the postal fees, because the transport airplane would
actually be lighter as a result of our postal item. This line of
reasoning merely received a laugh from the clerk. The balloon was
refused; reasons given: transportation of helium, not wrapped.
POINTLESS ITEMS. These were items that looked like a prank.
Can of soup. Never received.
Coconut. Fresh green coconut containing juice, mailed in Hawaii.
Delivery at doorstep, 10 days.
Brick. Mailed at street corner box with ample postage for weight. Never
received.
Lemon. Never received.
Small bag of kitty litter. Never received.
Bald tire. The card with postage was strapped to the tire. Refused at
station.
SUSPICIOUS ITEMS. For reasons given.
Sound-emitting toy. Same toy as under "Sentimental" above, wrapped
securely in brown paper. Never received.
Street sign. Conceivably a stolen item, or illegal possession. Notice
of attempted delivery received, 9 days. Handed over at station with
comment that mail must be wrapped.
Box of sand. Packaged in transparent plastic box to be visible to
postal employees. Sent to give an impression of potentially hiding
something. The plastic box had obviously been opened before delivery
and then securely taped shut again. Delivery without comment at
doorstep, 7 days.
Wrapped coconut. Wrapped in brown paper. Made ample sloshing sound, and
round shape seemed suspicious. Attempted mailing at station. Clerk
requested identification of object. When told it was a coconut, clerk
informed our mailing specialist that a certificate from the US
Department of Agriculture would be required before it could cross state
lines. Not mailed.
Wrapped brick. Wrapped in brown paper; posted in street corner box with
same amount of postage as was strapped to unwrapped brick. Extreme
weight for size made package seem suspicious. Notice of attempted
delivery received, 16 days. Upon pickup at station, our mailing
specialist received a plastic bag containing broken and pulverized
remnants of brick. Inside was a small piece of paper with a number code
on it. Our research indicates that this was some type of US Drug
Enforcement Agency release slip. The clerk made our mailing specialist
sign a form for receipt.
DISGUSTING ITEMS. These items were malicious, potentially infectious,
smelly, etc.>
Deer tibia. Our mailing specialist received many strange looks from
both postal clerks and members of the public in line when he picked it
up at the station, 9 days. The clerk put on rubber gloves before
handling the bone, inquired if our researcher were a "cultist," and
commented that mail must be wrapped.
Large wheel of cheese. The cheese was already extremely ripe (rancid)
at the time of mailing. Mailed in cardboard box. The cheese had oiled
its way through the bottom of the cardboard box by the time of pickup,
8 days. The box had been placed in a plastic bag.
Dead fish, old seaweed, etc. Mailed in cardboard box. Notice to pick up
at station, 7 days. The postal supervisor warned our mailing specialist
that he could be fined for mail service abuse, even as a recipient,
should this happen again.
***
Summary and Concluding Remarks
First, this experiment yielded a 64% delivery rate (18/28), an almost
two-thirds success rate. (For our purposes, "delivery" constituted some
type of independent handling by the USPS and subsequent contact
regarding the object, regardless of whether we got to see or keep the
object or whether it arrived whole.) This is astounding, considering
the nature of some of the items sent. This compares with a 0% rate of
receipt of fully wrapped packages from certain countries of the
developing world, such as Peru, Turkey, and Egypt. Admittedly, those
were international mailings, and thus not totally comparable;
nevertheless, the disparity is striking.
Second, the delivery involved the collusion of sequences of postal
workers, not simply lone operatives. The USPS appears to have some
collective sense of humor, and might in fact here be displaying the
rudiments of organic bureaucratic intelligence.
Finally, our investigation team felt remorse for some of its
experimental efforts, most particularly the category "Disgusting,"
after the good faith of the USPS in its delivery efforts. We sought out
as many of the USPS employees who had (involuntarily) been involved in
the experiment as we could identify, and gave them each a small box of
chocolate.
We, and all scientists, owe a debt of gratitude to these civil
servants. Without them, we would have had but little success in pushing
the envelope.
© Copyright 2000 Annals of Improbable Research (AIR) |
