friday's funnies...
Do You know why the banana went out with the prune?
It couldn't get a date!
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BUSH INAUGURAL ADDRESS POEM: To the tune of 'What a Wonderful World'
Don't know much about history,
Don't know much foreign policy,
Don't remember how I got through school,
And I'm sure I didn't break the rules.
But what's it matter 'cause my momma says,
'Boy,if you want you can be prez,
And what a wonderful world this will be.'
Don't know much about the women's vote.
Don't know much about the bill I wrote.
Don't know much about the foreign vets,
I've never voted for 'em yet.
But I do know if your dad tries hard,
He can get you in the National Guard,
And what a wonderful place that can be.
Now I never claimed to be an A student,
But what's wrong with C's?
And maybe by knowing the names of my cabinet,
I can win their love for me.
Don't know much about air pollution,
Don't know much about the constitution,
Don't know much about the economy,
It never much affected me.
But there's one thing that I know for sure;
If the rich stay rich and the poor stay poor,
What a wondeful world this will be.
Don't know much about the national debt,
I've never had to pay one yet,
If we need to we can sell the States,
To the Japenese at discount rates.
But, I do know if things get bad,
Dick and I can always call my dad,
And what a wonderful world this will be!...
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Carefully backing into a parking lot space, the driver of the big, heavy old Rolls-Royce was angered by a teenager in a snazzy sport's car that zipped in and stole the space. Getting out of his car, the youth grinned and said, 'You've got to be young and quick to be able to do that, Pops.'The older gent smiled as he continued to back up his Rolls, crunching the tiny sport's car into a total wreck. 'And you have to be old and rich to be able to do that,' he retorted...
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One of the nicest things about being a speed reader is, you can read the latest stock quote before it goes down again...
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When the Dow Jones average rises briefly to new heights, it can be referred to as 'Upside Dow!'...
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BUMPER STICKERS...
D.A.R.E to Keep Cops Off Donuts...
Eliminate and abolish redundancy...
If a woman's place is in the home, WHY AM I ALWAYS IN THIS CAR!...
He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead...
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Q: What's the last thing you usually hear before a redneck dies?
A: "Hey y'all... Watch this!"
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A crusty old Navy SEAL found himself at a gala event downtown, hosted by a
local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young,
idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the old SEAL for
conversation.
She said, "Excuse me, sir, but you seem to be a very serious man. Are you
this way all the time, or is something bothering you?"
"No," the SEAL said, "just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like
you have seen a lot of action."
The SEAL'S short reply was, "Yes, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You
know, you should lighten up a little - relax and enjoy yourself."
The SEAL just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong
way, but when was the last time you had sex?"
The SEAL looked at her and replied, "1955."
She said, "Well, there you go; you really need to chill out and quit
taking everything so seriously - I mean, no sex since 1955--isn't that a
little extreme?"
The SEAL, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "Oh, I
don't know, it's only 2130 now!"...
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and finally...
Blonde Medical Terms...
Artery: Study of paintings
Bacteria: Backdoor to cafeteria
Barium: What to do when treatment fails
Bowel: Letter like A E I O or U
Ceasarean Section: District in Rome
Cat Scan: Searching for Kitty
Cauterize: Make eye contact with her
Colic: Sheep Dog
Coma: Punctuation Mark
Congenital: Friendly
D&C: Where Washington is
Dilate: To live long
Enema: Not a friend
Fester: Quicker
Genital: Non-Jewish
Hang Nail: Coat Hook
Impotent: Distinguished, well known
Labor pain: Hurt at work
Morbid: Higher offer
Nitrate: Cheeper than day
Node: Was aware of
Outpatient: Person fainted
Post op: Letter Carrier
Recovery Room: Place to apholster
Rectum: Dang near Killed Him
Rheumatic: Amorous
Secretion: Hiding something
Tablet: Small table
Terminal Illness: Sick at Airport
Tibia: Country in North Africa
Tumor: More than One
Urine: Opposite of "you're out"
Varicose: Nearby
Vein: Conceited
have a good weekend...
pops
ps...i'll be out of town next friday so i won't be posting funnies next week... |
