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Politics : Sharks in the Septic Tank -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Neenny who wrote (2624)	1/23/2001 8:47:23 PM
From: Jorj X Mckie	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 82486

nah, I get bored with that stuff...one of the things that they forgot to mention along with forgetfulness, nearsightedness, weakness and depression was "short attention span"

To: Neenny who wrote (2624)	1/23/2001 8:56:02 PM
From: YlangYlangBreeze	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 82486

In all fairness, I think it is a spoof, read the pages: Christian America Demands It! geocities.com Now that [insert election winner here] has won the Presidential Election, Americans For Purity, on behalf of the American People, is ready to make known to the new President the things he MUST DO to slow down America's slide into Hell! (Note that it doesn't matter who won the election! Bush and Gore are both AFP-Friendly. Just thank God it wasn't Nader!) 1) POLICE MASTURBATION CHECKPOINTS! The Police must set up road blocks in all American neighborhoods and search random cars for signs of Masturbation. Police dogs can and should be trained to sniff drivers' and passengers' fingers for signs of recent masturbation while the car is ransacked for pornography and Masturbatory paraphernalia. Students should be sniffed by one of these dogs at least once during every school day! (Who cares if the Supreme Court says we can't do it? We can always get a new Supreme Court and a new Constitution.) 2) LOYALTY OATHS! Remember in Catch 22 how much the soldiers' morale was improved by swearing Loyalty Oaths at every opportunity? Joe McCarthy, the greatest Senator we've ever had, single-handedly saved this country from Communism with Loyalty Oaths! It's time we made swearing an anti-Masturbation Loyalty Oath mandatory for anyone who wants access to food, employment or medical care! 3) CHANGE THE PLEDGE OF ALLEGIANCE! Little children have to say the Pledge of Allegiance every day in school. What better way to remind them to avoid self-abuse than modifying the Pledge to say, "...One Nation, Under God, Masturbation-Free..."? Then we could also make adults say the Pledge of Allegiance before they can buy groceries! 4) MASTURBATION-FREE ZONES AROUND SCHOOLS! The punishment for Masturbation, harsh as we will make it, should be DOUBLED if the offense happens within 1000 yards of a school or a church! If that means being castrated TWICE, we'll find a way to do it! And students who are caught Masturbating should be Expelled, tried as Adults, and sentenced to Boot Camp! 5) RESEARCH THE EVILS OF MASTURBATION! Thank God there are still a few Doctors and Scientists left who have the courage to tell the Truth about Masturbation! Here is a link to a journal article that speaks of "Diseases caused by Masturbation." And here is a link to an article from the European Journal of Pediatrics that talks about identifying children who are At Risk for Masturbation! The Government should take all the money they spend on AIDS and spend it on anti-Masturbation research instead! Proposed Changes to the Bill Of Rights How many of you have ever actually needed the Bill Of Rights? Probably none of you! And you know why? Because the only people who need the Bill of Rights are Flag burners, dope dealers and smut peddlers! It might have seemed like a good idea when the Founding Fathers wrote it, but Thomas Jefferson and George Washington never saw Hustler magazine! We need to replace the 200-year-old Bill Of Rights with some new constitutional amendments that reflect the reality of life in 21st Century America! Americans For Purity is working with the GOP to make the following changes to the U.S. Constitution: The first thing we 'll do is get rid of the "right" to freedom of speech! The only people who ever use this "right" are pornographers! We will never rid the world of the menace of Masturbation if pornography is allowed to exist! (And we'll do away with the rest of the stupid First Amendment while we're at it.) The next thing we'll get rid of is the Fourth Amendment, which forces our overworked police officers to get a search warrant before they can bust some drug dealer's hippie pad! A true American would be proud to have his house or car searched for drugs or pornography! But we'll replace these amendments with some new ones that everyone will love: 1) The right not to have to see your country's beloved Flag being set on fire by Liberals! 2) The right to be free from pornography and Masturbation! 3) The right to publicly say the Christian prayer of your choice before every High School football game! 4) An Amendment to create a National Police Force to investigate incidents of terrorism, Masturbation, Flag burning and hippie drum circles. These new Amendments to our Constitution will make America great again, and bring our lives back to the level of happiness that last existed in the 1950's. and Warning signs that your child is Masturbating! Warning signs that your child is Masturbating! We at Americans For Purity hope that you never have to deal with the tragic heartbreak of a child who Masturbates. But the sad fact is, Masturbation is rampant among today's youth. The first step towards dealing with a problem is to recognize that the problem exists. Here are some of the most common warning signs that your child may be Masturbating. 1. Does your teenager have acne? Masturbation often leads to excessive hormone production, which is the cause of acne. Very few teenagers who don't Masturbate have acne. 2. Is your teenager depressed? If a teenager acts sullen, withdrawn or unhappy the most likely cause is Chronic Masturbation. 3. Does your child lock his or her bedroom door? It is not healthy for a teen to want privacy. Chances are he or she is in there Masturbating! 4. Does your child listen to "Rock And Roll" music? If a teenager has rebelled against God far enough to listen to the Devil's music, then he or she has almost certainly rebelled enough to try Masturbation. 5. Are there semen stains on your son's bed sheets or underwear? There's only one way they could have gotten there! 6. Does your teenager have Liberal political opinions? The weakness of mind brought on by Self-Abuse often leads to left-wing sympathies. 7. Does your child wear fashionable clothing or hairstyles? If your child can't resist the peer pressure to look a certain way, he or she probably can't resist the peer pressure to Masturbate, either. 8. Does your child deny Masturbating? Very few teenagers will openly admit to Masturbating! 9. Have you caught your child Masturbating? If you walk into your son's bedroom without knocking and he's in there with his pants down holding his erect penis, he's probably Masturbating. Preventing and Treating Teen Masturbation If your child Masturbates, there are steps you can take to stop the problem. If your child doesn't Masturbate, there are things you can do to prevent it. 1. Remove your child's bedroom door. Privacy is one of the leading causes of Masturbation. 2. Monitor your family's use of the restroom. Not only will this prevent Masturbation, it will prepare your teens for today's workplace, where corporations are stepping up their surveillance of employees' bathroom usage. 3. Kill your television. There is absolutely nothing of value on television. Everyone should be reading their Bibles or working, not watching filth like Baywatch or Star Trek. 4. Control your child's reading material. Screen everything your child brings into the house. Do not allow anything even remotely stimulating. Get up early in the morning and go through the newspaper cutting out all of the pictures in the Underwear ads. Burn them before your teenager wakes up. 5. Use corporal punishment. Spare the rod and spoil the child! Although outlawed by Socialists in many places, a good, sound thrashing has always been the best cure for the unruly child. 6. Buy and use commercially available Anti-Masturbation devices. You can get one for a male child by clicking here. 7. Understand your child's language. There are dozens of slang terms for Masturbation in use by today's teenagers. You should be familiar with them. Click here for a list. There are many other lists available on the Web. Don't use these slang terms around your children! If you must refer to Masturbation, use the term "Self-Abuse." 8. Put boxing gloves on your children's hands at bedtime. Boxing gloves are pretty hard to take off without someone's help. If you do this you can sleep soundly, knowing that your children aren't touching themselves in an impure way. geocities.com

To: Neenny who wrote (2624)	1/23/2001 9:09:51 PM
From: Daniel Schuh	Respond to of 82486

Neeny, I think that geocities.com at least has to be a parody. The "surgery" part was I think something of a giveaway. One ofthe main goals of Americans For Purity is to not only repeal the laws against Clitoridectomy, but to make it mandatory for femalechildren (who will never miss the part that is removed if it is done early enough). I went looking for a web version of Vonnegut's "Welcome to the Monkey House, no luck though. Cheers, dan.

To: Neenny who wrote (2624)	1/23/2001 10:28:21 PM
From: jbe	1 Recommendation Respond to of 82486

I agree-- OF COURSE it is a spoof!! A spoof that fooled a lot of readers, apparently. But just look at this reply to one irate reader: READER: ....YOU MUST BE AFFILIATED WITH MORMONISM, ONLY A MORMON WOULD COME UP WITH SUCH CONTROLLING IDEAS!!! ANYTHING TO CONTROLL THE LIFES OF OTHER PEOPLE, AND KEEP THEM IN BONDAGE!!!FUCK YOU!!! RESPONSE: Actually, our Church is the Full Gospel Fire Baptized Holiness Association of God, Inc. We don't really have anything in common with Mormonism except for the underwear, which we won't say any more about.