More Christian Adventures...
Adventure in Divine Submission
By Mike Hawkins
Now Present with the Lord Jesus Christ
Why would someone CHOOSE to be a homosexual? Why would they choose
a life of rejection and scorn from so many different areas of society and God?
Why would they become involved in something destined to bring so much
heartache to their life? Many believe, as I did, that there is no other way; that
they were born that way and must accept that there can't be any other way for
them.
There were many influences which made the "gay" life-style seem like my only
option. Since I was a small child I can remember being attracted to other males.
I wanted desperately to find friends of the same sex to identify with and just
play together. As hard as I would try, though, it seemed I could never fit in. I
wasn't athletic or very coordinated physically, so if all the guys were playing
sports I was always on the outside looking in. When teams were formed in
school, I was always the last to get picked because if I was on the team, they
usually lost. Because of this, I was ridiculed often and teased about being a
sissy. Over and over again I was made to feel as if I was not worthy of being a
boy, so I played with the girls. I began to act more and more like a girl, which
only brought further isolation from other boys in my school and neighborhood.
As I became more isolated from other males, it became the one area of my life
where I had the greatest need. I needed guy friends and wanted their friendships
so badly. I wanted to be a part of what I saw all the other guys around me
doing. Learning of my sexuality in adolescence, I mistook my desire for bonding
with other males as a sexual desire and felt a great deal of guilt, which only
served to lessen my self esteem, making me feel even more unworthy to be a
man. With my masculine identity destroyed, the next step to becoming involved
in sexual activity was easy. I found an outlet to soothe my need for compassion
and friendship with other guys. The more I became involved in homosexuality, I
began to believe that this was what my life was supposed to be. Since I had
desired male friendships since I was so young, I believed that I had been born a
homosexual and had no other options to fulfill the need for same sex love that all
of us have.
I was raised in a Christian home. I had been taught the Bible since I was a child
and knew what it had to say about homosexuality. But I couldn't imagine that if
God was love and all I was wanting was love, how could homosexual love be
wrong? I struggled with this issue most of my teenage years and into early
adulthood. Eventually, I chose to abandon my faith and seek out fulfilling my
homosexual desires. I felt that I would find love and fulfillment there, since all the
church had to offer for my needs was condemnation and guilt.
My parents were heartbroken at my choices as I told them I was living in a
homosexual life-style. They responded differently than I had expected in many
ways, though. My dad, being involved in church work since I was 8 years old,
was very conservative in his faith. He devoted himself to his ministry and his
faith with such conviction that I knew he would reject me and never want
anything else to do with me. I was certain that I had been "disinherited" from the
family. But, he and Mom surprised me! They said, "We can't accept your
life-style and what you have chosen for your life. We believe it is sinful and
wrong and it hurts us very much. But we will never stop loving you. We want to
be a part of your life, so please don't shut us out. We love you and will be here
for you when you need us."
I put that promise to the test many times over the next few years and brought
my parents a great deal of pain in the process. They never did abandon me, no
matter how much I hurt them. They demonstrated the true love of God that they
believed in with all their hearts. I know this was not easy, because I would tell
them how much I despised and hated them. I would do things deliberately to
make them cry and to disappoint them over and over again. But they were
always there for me. I slowly began to see that what I was looking for in
homosexuality was never going to be realized apart from Jesus Christ. It was
His love, displayed through Mom and Dad, that I needed to fulfill my desire to
be loved and to give love.
I finally came to the realization that my homosexuality was a choice and that
there were other options for my life. I could find the fulfillment I needed in
male-to-male friendships without homosexual expression. In I Corinthians
6:9-11, a verse that had often been used for condemnation, I found redemption
and salvation. Verse 11 says, "And such were some of you, but you have been
washed, you have been cleansed, you have been sanctified by the blood of the
Lord Jesus Christ." I saw in that verse that there had been people even in the
earliest church who had been homosexual, but Jesus had delivered them. It was
possible to change.
Abandoning homosexuality was not easy. But, the closer I grew to Jesus, the
easier my battle became. There were many who loved and ministered to me and
who stood beside me the whole way. I can think of one friend, Keith, who was
just a friend. He spent time with me, prayed with me and taught me in many
ways how to reclaim my masculinity. He helped me find my worth as a man.
People coming out of homosexuality need to learn how to develop relationships,
and as Christians we should be like Keith, ready and willing to reach out and
embrace in the love of Christ those who need His love through us.
I stand free of homosexuality today by the grace of Jesus and His power to truly
change our hearts. David says "Create in me a pure heart, Oh God, and renew
a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me from your presence or take your
Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a
willing spirit, to sustain me. Then I will teach transgressors your ways, and
sinners will turn back to you." Psalms 51:10 - 13(NIV).
God truly has created a pure heart within me and I am eternally grateful for His
love. About a year after I made a commitment to leave homosexuality, I got the
dreaded news that I was HIV positive. HIV is the virus which causes AIDS.
God knew of my commitment to change my life. Why did He have to allow this
to happen to me? AIDS is a frightening disease, and I assumed my life would be
over instantly. As I began to learn about this disease, I discovered that I had
several years left. One of my biggest fears was whether or not I could
potentially infect those I loved. I soon learned that casual day to day contact
would not put anyone at risk for infection. The only way I could infect someone
else was if they came into contact with my blood or through sex. One of the
strongest emotions I felt was anger. Anger at God for allowing this to happen in
my life. Anger that I would have to face the homosexual issue seemingly for the
rest of my life. Anger for the shame that I felt. This anger produced rebellion
and for a while I really struggled to find my identity all over again. But God is
gracious and provided key people in my life to guide and direct me and pull me
back into His loving arms.
In December of 1991, I was diagnosed with full blown AIDS. This meant that
my immune system was no longer able to fight off common infections in the
environment. I had become infected with a disease, histoplasmosis, that people
with healthy immune systems could easily fight, but my immune system was no
longer strong enough. This infection ravaged my body and within days had
begun to destroy every major organ in my body. Finally the doctor told my
parents that she didn't think I would recover and that it was time to call the
family to come say their last good-bye.
Up until this time we had told no one that I had AIDS. We were so afraid of the
rejection that we might face that we just kept it to ourselves. Now, my parents
and I were faced with a burden we could no longer hide and we needed to have
the support of our friends and loved ones. We began to reach out and tell
others that I had AIDS and was not expected to live. Instead of the rejection
we expected, we found that our church, our friends and our family rallied
around us and gave us the support we so desperately needed. People began to
pray. They began to pray that God would heal and preserve my life. All across
the nation prayers began going up to God that He would step in and do what
the doctors couldn't. God answered those prayers and a few days later I was
well enough to go home from the hospital. God healed me of histoplasmosis and
has preserved my health since. I still have AIDS. I have almost no immune
system at all, yet God's grace continues to keep me healthy and active most of
the time. Now my question is not, "Why did God allow this to happen to me?"
rather, "How does God want to use this in my life?" In II Corinthians 12:7-9 He
showed me the answer.
"...There was given me a thorn in the flesh, the messenger of Satan to buffet me
lest I should be exalted above measure. Concerning this I entreated the Lord
three times that it might depart from me. And He has said to me, 'My grace is
sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.' Most gladly, therefore, I
will rather boast about my sickness, that the power of Christ may dwell in me."
God has provided many opportunities for me to share my experience with
others. He has taken the tragedy and despair of AIDS and turned it into a
powerful tool of his grace and mercy. In sharing my story with others, I have
seen many come to a deeper relationship with God. I have seen young people
commit their lives to waiting until they are married to have sex and avoiding the
risks of also becoming infected with this virus. I have seen my own relationship
with God take on a new intimacy I might never have experienced without
AIDS. While AIDS is a disease of death, it also teaches us how to really live!
AIDS has brought me closer to my family and has been a catalyst to repair so
many relationships. That is what Paul means about power perfected in
weakness. That is why he says 'I will rather boast about my sickness...'. I have
learned that God is bigger than all life's problems and troubles. He is bigger than
homosexuality. When I thought there was no way out he provided the way. He
is bigger than AIDS. When I thought my life was over he taught me how to live
and continues to protect my body from death.
AIDS has become more than just
Acquired
Immune
Deficiency
Syndrome.
In my life it now is an...
Adventure
In
Divine
Submission.
AIDS has taught me that if I will just submit my life, my frustrations, my
problems, worries and fears to God on a daily basis, He is faithful to meet all
my needs and I am able to "boast about my sickness that the power of Christ
may dwell in me."
Mike Hawkin's Obituary
William Michael "Mike" Hawkins was born December 14, 1964, and
died of AIDS, July 27, 1995, at the age of 30 years, 7 months and 13
days. He came to Patsy and Marlin Hawkins at 4 days old, directly out of a
hospital nursery in Amarillo, Texas. He finished high school at Putnam City High
School in 1983 and attended two years of college at Central State University.
In both high school and college, Mike was active in music and drama, played
the piano and sang both solos and with musical groups.
Mike's work career included managing Oak Tree stores in Oklahoma City and
Little Rock, Ark. At the time Mike became sick suffering from AIDS, he was
managing Hollywood Portraits in Little Rock. In January 1992, Mike founded
and became the first director of Christian AIDS Network (CAN), a division of
First Stone Ministries. CAN is based upon the scriptural admonition, "I can do
all things through Christ who strengthens me" (Philippians 4:13). CAN is an
organization designed to minister to AIDS patients, provide support groups for
family and friends of AIDS victims, and provide AIDS education in churches,
schools, university student unions, and PTAs.
Mike was a popular speaker, sharing his testimony of deliverance from
homosexuality, always emphasizing the Biblical truths that:
(1) homosexuality is a sin.
(2) homosexuality is a choice, not a genetically inherited trait, and
(3) freedom from homosexuality is not a plan but a person and that person is
Jesus Christ.
AIDS stand for "Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome," but for Mike, AIDS
stood for "Adventure In Divine Submission," an acronym Mike coined to
describe his walk of faith. While at times he would question why he suffered
from AIDS, he recognized as Paul said in II Corinthians 12:7 "...When I am
weak, then am I strong."
In addition to his work with CAN and First Stone Ministries, Mike was a
faithful member of Council Road Baptist Churchand an active participant in the
Career Singles Sunday School Department.
Mike is survived by his parents, Marlin and Patsy Hawkins of Oklahoma City;
one brother, Stacy; sister-in-law, Tasha; nephew, Quinton; niece, Morgan, also
of the City; grandmother, Lula Hawkins, Dill City; and a host of relatives and
friends. |
