friday's funnies...
Two men camping in the mountains had spent four days together, and they were getting a little testy. One morning, the first friend says, "You know, we're starting to get on each other's nerves. Why don't we split up today?
I'll hike north and spend the day looking around; you hike south and spend the day. Then tonight, we'll have dinner and share our experiences over the campfire." The second friend agrees and hikes south. The first man hikes north. That night over dinner, the first man tells his story. "Today I hiked into a beautiful valley. I followed a stream up into a canyon and ate lunch. Then I swam in a crystal clear mountain lake. As I sat out and dried, I watched deer come and drink from the stream.The wild flowers were filled with butterflies and hawks floated all day overhead. How was your day?" The second friend says, "I went south and ran across a set of railroad tracks. I followed them until I came across a beautiful young woman tied to the tracks. I cut the ropes off, gently lifted her off the tracks and we had sex in every imaginable way all afternoon. Finally, when I was so tired I could barely move, I came back to camp." "Wow!!" the first guy exclaimed, "Your day was MUCH better than mine. Did you get a blow job, too?" "Nah," says the second friend over his meal, "I couldn't find her head..."
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A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they
were on their way to the church service, "And why is it
necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping!..."
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"I can never fool my wife when I some home late," George
complained. "I turn off the car's engine and coast into
the garage, take off my shoes, sneak upstairs, and undress
in the bathroom. But she always wakes up and screams at
me for being out so late." "You got the wrong technique, buddy," his friend replied. "I roar into the garage, slam the door, stomp up the steps, rub my hand on her butt and say, 'How about a little?' She always pretends to be asleep..."
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A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dog along for company. One day the dog starts chasing butterflies and before long he discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The dog thinks, "Boyo, I'm in deep doodoo now."(He was an Irish setter).... Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, "Man, That was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?" Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew", says the leopard." That was close. That dog nearly had me." Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put his knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dog saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The cat is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine. Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks," What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers pretending he hasn't seen them yet. And just when they get close enough to hear, the dog says, "Where's that monkey. I just can never trust him. I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard, and he's still not back!!..."
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Sandbox Talk
A little girl and a little boy are playing in a sandbox. The little boy has to go to take a pee, and he was told by
his mother to always be polite and don't talk about private matters in public. At first he holds it in for a little while, because he does not know what to say to the little girl to excuse himself. Then, he remembers what his mom had said at the restaurant to excuse herself
from the table. So, he turns to the little girl and says "Will you excuse me? I have to go powder my nose". And, saying that, he leaps out of the sandbox and runs to
the washroom. When he comes back, the little girl looks up
at him and asks, "Did you powder your nose?" "Yes", said the little boy, stepping back into the sandbox. "Well then," says the little girl, "You'd better close your compact, because your lipstick is hanging out...."
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and finally...warning do not read if easily offended...
There was a man who really took care of his body. He lifted
weights and jogged six miles every day. One morning he looked
into the mirror admiring his body and noticed that he was
suntanned all over, with the exception of his penis. So he
decided to do something about that. He went to the beach,
completely undressed himself, and buried himself in the sand,
except for his penis, which he left sticking out of the sand.
A bit later, two little old ladies came strolling along the
beach, one using a cane to help her get along. Upon seeing the
thing sticking out of the sand, the lady with the cane began to
poke the penis with her cane. She turned to the other little old
lady and said, "There really is no justice in the world."
The other little old lady asked, "What do you mean by that?"
The first little old lady replied, "When I was 20, I was curious
about it. When I was 30, I enjoyed it. When I was 40, I asked
for it. When I was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed
for it. When I was 70, I forgot about it. Now that I'm 80, the
damned things are growing wild, and I'm too old to squat."
JB i had a great time also. thanks for an enjoyable dinner with your wife and friend...
enjoy the holiday weekend...
pops |
