friday's funnies...
It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection. Traffic quickly piled up in all directions, and a woman rushed to help him. When she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, "It's all right Honey, I've had a course in first aid." The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man's pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration. At this point she tapped him on the
shoulder and said, "When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm already here."
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On a plane bound for New York a flight attendant approached
a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to coach since she did not have a first class ticket. The blonde replied, "I'm blonde; I'm beautiful; I'm going to New York; and I'm not moving." Not wanting to argue with a customer, the flight attendant asked
the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman, asking her to please move out of the first class section. Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde; I'm beautiful; I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving." The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do. The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this." He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the coach section mumbling to
herself, "Why didn't someone just say so?" Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said
to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat. He said, "I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York."
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The Reasons Why It's Great to be a Guy: Girl next...
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
Movie nudity is virtually always female.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
Monday Night Football.
The bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
You can open all your own jars.
Dry cleaners and haircutter's don't rob you blind.
When clicking through the channels, you don't have to stall on every shot of someone crying.
A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.
You don't have to lug a bag of useless stuff around everywhere you go.
You understand why the movie "Stripes" is funny.
You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
The garage is all yours.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $10 for a three pack.
The National College Cheer leading Championship.
You don't have to shave below your neck.
If you're 34 and single nobody notices.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
Flowers fix everything.
You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
Three pair of shoes is more than enough.
Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.
Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room.
You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
Auto mechanics tell you the truth.
You can watch a game in silence with you buddy for hours without even thinking, "He must
be mad at me."
You get to jump up and slap stuff.
One mood, all the time.
You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.
You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing.
Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
You don't mooch off others' desserts.
If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
The remote is yours and yours alone.
ESPN's Sports Center.
Bachelor parties rule over bridal showers.
You don't need to pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom.
If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become life long buddies.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.
Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So... notice anything different?"
Baywatch.
There is always a game on somewhere.
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and finally...
The Reasons Why It's Great to be a Girl:
Free dinners.
You can cry without pretending there's something in your contact.
Speeding ticket? What's that?
You actually get extra points for sitting on your butt, watching sports.
If you're a lousy athlete, you don't have to question your worth as a human being.
A new lipstick gives you a whole new lease on life.
In high school, you never had to walk down the hall with your binder strategically
positioned.
If you have to be home in time for Ally McBeal, you can say so, out loud.
If you're not making enough money, you can blame the glass ceiling.
If you're not very attractive, you can fool 'em with makeup.
If you use self-tanner, it doesn't necessarily mean you're a big loser.
You could possibly live your whole life without ever taking a group shower.
Brad Pitt.
You don't have to fart to amuse yourself.
You’ll never have to decide where to hide your nose-hair clippers.
When you take off your shoes, nobody passes out.
If the person you're dating is much better at something than you are, you don't have to
break up with him.
If you think the person your dating really likes you, you don't have to break up with him
If you don't shave, no one will know.
If you're dumb, some people will find it cute.
You don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.
You can dress yourself.
Your hair is yours to keep.
If you ARE bald, people will think you did it on purpose, and you're really chic.
You don't have to pretend to like cigars.
You’ll never have to blow 2 months salary on anything.
If you marry someone 20 years younger, you know you look like an idiot.
You’re rarely compelled to scream at the TV.
You and your friends don't have to get totally wasted in order to share your feelings.
If you pick up the check once in a while, that's plenty.
Sitting and watching people is all the entertainment you need.
Your friend won't think you're weird when you ask if there's spinach in your teeth.
When you get a million catalogues in the mail, it's a good thing.
Sometimes, chocolate truly can solve all your problems.
If you're under 6', you don't have to lie about it.
You’ll never regret piercing your ears.
You can fully assess someone just by looking at his or her shoes.
You’ll never discover you've been fooled by a Wonderbra.
You don't have hair on your back.
If anything on your body isn't as big as it should be, you can get implants.
You can tell which glass was yours by the lipstick mark.
If you have big ears, no one has to know.
You can be attracted to someone just because they're really funny.
You can borrow your spouse's clothes and it doesn't mean you belong on Jerry...
have a great weekend...
pops
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