Friday Funny in honor of St. Patrick's Day!
ST. PATRICK'S DAY SELF-HELP GUIDE
>
> St. Patrick's Day: the one day of the year when the 2% of the world's
> population that's Irish gets the other 98% completely shitfaced.
>
> Leg 1: 7 a.m. to 9 a.m. Rise and shine early. Take a long, hot shower,
> and liberally use aftershave, perfume, cologne, deodorant and powders
> afterwards, because by 3p.m., you will be excreting raw alcohol and
> other poisons, and without proper preparations, you will smell like a
> three-day dead cat wrapped in a fraternity carpet. The bars open at 9,
> so use this time to prepare. Collect the following supplies and put them
> in a place where you will easily be able to find it in an impaired
> condition. We recommend the bathroom floor, between the toilet and the
> baseboard heater, since that's where you'll probably end up:
>
> 1 quart spring water, 1 bottle aspirin, 5 pairs Depends undergarments, 1
> bottle Percocet, 1 gram morphine sulphate, 1 oz. human adrenaline
> extract, 1 precharged electric defibrillator, 4 Cardiac needles, 1
> trauma surgeon
>
> Brew a strong pot of coffee. Add 9 oz. Jameson Irish whiskey, drink.
> Note that coffee should be drunk liberally throughout the day. There is
> a reason that the Irish invented Irish Coffee; unless you ingest a large
> volume of artificial stimulants throughout the course of St. Patrick's
> Day, you are going to die. Arrange to be picked up to be taken to the
> bar by 8:45 a.m. We cannot stress enough that you should not drink and
> drive. There is no reason to chance losing your license or killing
> someone in a drunken state when you have plenty of idiot friends willing
> to take that risk on your behalf.
>
> Leg 2: 9 a.m. to 11 a.m. Arrive at the bar right when it opens. Make
> sure this is an Irish bar if at all possible. An Irish bar in Boston is
> the best alternative, since Boston in Gaelic means West Kilarney.
> However, almost every city in America has bars called The Blarney Stone,
> McSomethings, or The Dirty Mick. Just try to ignore the fact that the
> bar is probably owned by Koreans.
>
> Secure a barstool and do not leave it under any circumstances. The bar
> is liable to be packed by noon, and real Irish people do not wait in
> line for drinks, no matter what the consequences. While we do recommend
> the use of an adult undergarment to mask unpleasant smells, it really
> doesn't matter. By afternoon, you'll be sopping wet with spilled beer
> anyway, and your mild urine smell will be completely overpowered by the
> toxic stench of vomit.
>
> We recommend starting out with a few more Irish Coffees to spike the
> stimulant level, however, you should not order an "Irish Coffee," as you
> will be given a fruity little glass mug topped with whipped cream and a
> cherry, and some guy named Seamus will call you a yuppie poseur while
> putting a cigarette out on your neck. Ask for coffee with whiskey and
> ask the bartender to leave the whipped cream can, as nothing will add
> spice to your day like the occasional whippet.
>
> Leg 3: 11 a.m. to 2 p.m. It's lunchtime! You may not be hungry, but it's
> important to eat something, because like Sheriff Bart said in Blazing
> Saddles:" Man drink like that, and don't eat, he is going to die." If
> you want to maintain your buzz and not get that hideous, bloated feeling
> that could slow down your drinking, there are only two options: popcorn
> or Pop Tarts. Both have the carbohydrates you'll need to give you
> energy, both will soak up excess bile in your stomach, and both have
> names that are hard to slur. If you start slurring your words too early,
> you'll hear the most frightening phrase in the English language on St.
> Patrick's Day besides I'm pregnant: "You're cut off".
>
> By now, you should switch off of coffee drinks to beer. You have only
> one option here: Guinness stout. You may be tempted to order green beer,
> but remember: beer doesn't always turn green because of food coloring.
>
> Leg 3: 2 p.m. to 7 p.m. By now, the bar is definitely crowded as people
> take long lunches and bail out of work early to tie one on. If you're
> doing your job correctly, the bar should look twice or three times as
> crowded as it really is. By now, you may be in conversation with some
> real Irish people, since the person you came with has likely been taken
> away by ambulance. Some conversational points to remember when talking
> to the Irish are: Football really means Soccer, and you should be more
> passionate about it than you are about your wife or husband, AND The
> English are all piss-arsed, pig-fucking bastards who should be lined up
> and kicked into the Liffey. If you remember those two points, as well at
> least three derogatory names for Margaret Thatcher, you can talk to the
> Irish for hours. You should continue to drink Guinness throughout this
> leg, although you may want to have another Irish Coffee if your
> heartbeat has become irregular.
>
> The Home Stretch: 7 p.m. to Closing Your goal, of course, is to be the
> last person to leave the bar at closing time. This will be impossible,
> since a blood alcohol content of .50 usually equals death, and you
> should be pushing a .35 or .40 by now. The only way for a true Irishman
> to leave a bar before closing time with honor is to be hauled away by
> the police. Throw a punch. It doesn't matter who you hit or why; no
> one's made any sense since 3 o'clock, anyway. You will be beaten
> mercilessly, since your fine motor control has been gone since the late
> morning, but it doesn't matter since you can't feel anything.
>
> Depending on your community, the police should arrive within fifteen
> minutes to scrape you off the floor and clap you in irons. The final
> impression you leave is the most important: as you are being dragged
> from the bar, begin screaming that you want to take your drink with you.
> You will be a legend, and by now the friend who took you to the bar
> should have had his or her stomach pumped, and will be able to bail you
> out.
>
> By following these simple guidelines, your St. Patrick's Day experience
> would be one you would never forget if it weren't physically and
> biologically impossible for you to remember any of it. Tune in next
> month for our next self- help guide: The Pros and Cons of Waking Up
> Naked In a Dumpster.
> |
