friday's funnies...
nursery rhymes
JACK AND JILL
Went up the hill
To have a little fun
Stupid Jill
Forgot the pill
And now they have a son.
MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB
Her father shot it dead
Now it goes to school with her
Between two hunks of bread.
LITTLE MISS MUFFET sat on a tuffet,
Her clothes all tattered and torn.
It had not been the spider that crept up beside her
But Little Boy Blue and his horn.
SIMPLE SIMON met a Pieman
Going to the fair
Said Simple Simon to the Pieman
"What have you got there?"
Said the Pieman unto Simon
"Pies, you dickhead!"
THERE WAS A LITTLE GIRL,
who had a little curl,
Right in the middle of her forehead...
And when she was good, she was very very good,
But when she was bad,
she got a fur coat, jewels, a sports car...
HUMPTY DUMPTY sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
All the King's horses and all the King's men
had scrambled eggs on toast for breakfast.
HICKORY DICKORY DOCK,
Three mice ran up the clock
the clock struck one,
and the others got away with minor injuries.
HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE
the cat did a piddle,
all over the bedside clock,
The little dog laughed to see such fun
And the cat died of electric shock.
MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB,
It walked into a pylon,
10,000 volts went up it's ass
And turned it's wool to nylon.
GEORGIE PORGY Pudding and Pie
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play
He kissed them too 'cause he was gay.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Mike and Maureen landed on Mars after accumulating enough
> frequent flier miles.
>
> They met a Martian couple and were talking about all sorts of
> things. Mike asked if Mars had a stock market if they had laptop
> computers and how they made money.
>
> Finally Maureen brought up the subject of sex. "Just how do you
> guys do it?" asked Maureen.
>
> The male Martian responded "Pretty much the way you do."
>
> A discussion ensued and finally the couples decided to swap
> partners for the night (for the sake of science, of course).
>
> Maureen and the male Martian went off to a bedroom where the
> Martian stripped. Maureen was disappointed to find that he had a
> teeny weeny member about half an inch long and just a quarter
> inch thick.
>
> "I don't think this is going to work," said Maureen.
>
> "Why?" he asked. "What's the matter?"
>
> "Well," she replied "it's just not long enough to reach me!"
>
> "No problem," he said and proceeded to slap his forehead with his
> palm. With each slap his member grew until it was impressively
> long.
>
> "Well," she said "that's quite impressive, but it's still pretty
> narrow."
>
> "No problem," he said and started pulling his ears. With each
> pull his member grew wider and wider.
>
> "Wow!" she exclaimed. They fell into bed and made mad passionate
> love.
>
> The next day the couples joined their normal partners and went
> their separate ways.
>
> As they walked along Mike asked, "Well was it any good?"
>
> "I hate to say it," said Maureen "but it was pretty wonderful.
> How about you?"
>
> "It was horrible," he replied. "All I got was a headache. She
> kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One day a fisherman was lying on a beautiful beach, with his fishing
pole
propped up in the sand and his solitary line cast out into the
sparkling blue
surf. He was enjoying the warmth of the afternoon sun and the prospect
of
catching a fish.
About that time, a businessman came walking down the beach, trying to
relieve
some of the stress of his workday. He noticed the fisherman sitting on
the
beach and decided to find out why this fisherman was fishing instead of
working harder to make a living for himself and his family.
"You aren't going to catch many fish that way," said the businessman to
the
fisherman, "you should be working rather than lying on the beach!"
The fisherman looked up at the businessman, smiled and replied, "And
what
will my reward be?"
"Well, you can get bigger nets and catch more fish!" was the
businessman's
answer.
"And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman, still smiling.
The businessman replied, "You will make money and you'll be able to buy
a
boat, which will then result in larger catches of fish!" "And then what
will
my reward be?" asked the fisherman again.
The businessman was beginning to get a little irritated with the
fisherman's
questions. "You can buy a bigger boat, and hire some people to work for
you!"
he said.
"And then what will my reward be?" repeated the fisherman.
The businessman was getting angry. "Don't you understand? You can build
up a
fleet of fishing boats, sail all over the world, and let all your
employees
catch fish for you!"
Once again the fisherman asked, "And then what will my reward be?"
The businessman was red with rage and shouted at the fisherman, "Don't
you
understand that you can become so rich that you will never have to work
for
your living again! You can spend all the rest of your days sitting on
this
beach, looking at the sunset. You won't have a care in the world!"
The fisherman, still smiling, looked up and said...
"And what do you think I'm doing right now ??"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
and finally...
> An Anagram, as you all know, is a word or phrase made by transposing
or
> rearranging the letters of another word or phrase. The following are
> exceptionally clever. Someone out there either has far too much spare
> time or is deadly at Scrabble. (Wait till you see the last one!)
>
> George Bush: When you rearrange the letters: He bugs Gore
> Dormitory: When you rearrange the letters: Dirty Room
> Evangelist: When you rearrange the letters: Evil's Agent
> Desperation: When you rearrange the letters: A Rope Ends It
> The Morse Code: When you rearrange the letters: Here Come Dots
> Slot Machines: When you rearrange the letters: Cash Lost in em
> Animosity: When you rearrange the letters: Is No Amity
> Mother-in-law: When you rearrange the letters: Woman Hitler
> Snooze Alarms: When you rearrange the letters: Alas! No More Z's
> A Decimal Point: When you rearrange the letters: I'm a Dot in Place
> The Earthquakes: When you rearrange the letters: That Queer Shake
> Eleven plus two: When you rearrange the letters: Twelve plus one
>
> And for the grand finale:
> PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA: It can be rearranged (with no letters
> left over, and using each letter only once) into:
> TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS
have a nice weekend...
pops |
