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Politics : Sharks in the Septic Tank -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: E who wrote (11456)	4/15/2001 11:45:13 PM
From: epicure	Read Replies (2) \| Respond to of 82486

You cannot teach the kind of empathy required for children NOT to treat other children badly, by making them beg on their knees. That frequently just drives feelings of anger at being caught, which the perpetrators attach to the victim as their "fault"(because feeling humiliation and anger doesn't put the aggressors any more in touch with the victim's feelings than they were before). I think what you need to do is show pain to children. What your sister did was to show her very valid pain to her son- the reason it worked (if it did) was probably because your sister's son loved his mother and finally got in touch with the pain he had caused by seeing it reflected in someone he loved. You can't bully empathy into people. You can't shame them until they feel it. Empathy and kindness must be taught with empathy and kindness. That doesn't mean you do not punish such horrible behaviors, but I think it is more effective when done with love. I always tell children in my classes how deeply hurt I am when they call each other names. I really hate that. Especially when more functional children pick on the less functional. Because the kids I teach know me, and care about me, my disappointment is a punishment to them. And even though I say it without shouting and without anger, I can see the message strikes home- mostly because they see I really am sad. And my sadness makes them sad- because even if they can't empathize with their victim they want to empathize with me.