To: Maurice Winn who wrote (2894 ) 5/9/2001 7:10:41 PM From: S100 Respond to of 12231 A Modest Proposal: Naked Fridays will scare porn-addled population straight DAVE SHIFLET Recent cultural developments, including some discussed in this space, reveal that Americans are deeply fixated on nakedness. This fixation has created widespread marketplace and societal disruptions that must be addressed. The good news is that a cure is at hand. First, however, let us consider the challenge before us. This is very much a demand-side problem, and like many consumer products begin comes to mind -nakedness has created a market for yet more nakedness. Television producers must now disrobe their actors and actresses to have any hope of staying on the air. Internet entrepreneurs must offer countless numbers of naked people in various states of repose -sometimes alone, sometimes with other people, sometimes with ponies -to scratch out a living. The advertising industry is under similar pressure: It can only be a matter of time before the Pep Boys are forced to sell their mufflers in the buff. This demand is also at the heart of the "culture wars" that rock our social and political realms. These wars are largely fought over nakedness -naked people on television, pictures of naked people in museums, naked people sunning themselves in public parks, naked people delivering commencement addresses, etc. These wars have deeply divided America and have left us mentally bereft. We now routinely confuse exhibitionists with artists. We have turned Jesse Helms into a museum curator. According to some analysts, this conflict has weakened us to the point of tempting a Canadian invasion. Clearly, we have a problem -a problem largely" based on demand. So how do we reduce demand that would be quite easy. Americans should be required to go naked one day a week. The program could be modeled on the "dress-down Friday" ritual. Only a few such Fridays will be necessary to break the spell. , That this plan will work is beyond question. The reason: We are fixated on nakedness simply because we have become entranced by a very idealized version -the type enhanced by proper camera angles, makeup, surgery and similar interventions. Once we see the beast in its true and natural state -and on a massive scale -our view will change drastically. We might call this the Full Monty approach. This process will be brutal, as reality tends to be. We will quickly be reminded that beautiful people (of the Hollywood type) are freaks. The teeth-chattering fact is America is teeming with overweight, puffy, sagging, bloated, rash-ridden, hairy-backed monsters. And that's just in high school. A large portion of middle-aged citizens, if seen naked in the fluorescent lights of the modern office complex, are capable of stampeding cattle. Men of sugar-daddy rank possess heart-stopping qualities when viewed without protective clothing. How will this work on a personal level? Consider the likely plight of the middle manager who has long trained his lusting eyes on Roxanne. He will no doubt await the first Naked Friday with great anticipation. Perhaps she will return the favor with an appreciative glance. After all, even women are known to swaddle their minds in the soft cloth of illusion. Then the great day arrives. They peel. They gaze. They tremble. His first thought: How did such a young woman grow so many moles? Roxy is suddenly reminded of Buddha -Buddha with liver spots. As if on cue, 64-year-old Mr. Big walks out of his office. Roxy takes one look and shrieks "Aaijeee! It's Yoda!" The first fruit of this experiment will be a definite decline in the in-office romance rate and an attending rise in efficiency and creativity. Bob is back to performing those feats that will earn him a key to the executive washroom, instead of scheming up ways to invade Roxy's knickers. Within two weeks the general allure of nakedness will be in fatal fade, for a simple reason: Nakedness will have become old hat -very old hat. Soon enough, true babes and studs will be shunned, as freaks always are. Television can take up deep artistic and philosophical issues. The culture will blossom. And America can turn its majestic abilities to solving larger problems, such as how to keep the lights burning. One warning: If the lights go out and stay out, Naked Friday will have monumentally different results. IBD Friday 4 May 2001