The more I think of it, the more I think that this is more applicable to the current RMBS situation:
Mr. Praline : I wish to make a complaint!
Owner : (hurriedly) Sorry, we're closin' for lunch...!
Mr. Praline : Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this
parrot, what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.
Owner : Oh yes, the, ah, the Norwegian Blue... What's, ah... W-what's wrong with
it?
Mr. Praline : I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. It's
dead, that's what's wrong with it.
Owner : No, no, 'e's ah... he's resting.
Mr. Praline : Look, matey, I know a dead parrot when I see
one, and I'm looking at one right now.
Owner : No no, h-he's not dead, he's, he's restin'!
Mr. Praline : Restin'?
Owner : Y-yeah, restin.' Remarkable bird, the Norwegian
Blue, isn't it, eh? Beautiful plumage!
Mr. Praline : The plumage don't enter into it. It's stone
dead!
Owner : Nononono, no, no! 'E's resting!
Mr. Praline : All right then, if he's resting, I'll wake him up!
(shouting at the cage)
'Ello, Polly! Mister Polly Parrot! I've got a lovely fresh cuttle fish for you if you wake
up, Mr. Polly Parrot...
(owner hits the cage)
Owner : There, he moved!
Mr. Praline : No, he didn't, that was you pushing the cage!
Owner : I never!!
Mr. Praline : Yes, you did!
Owner : I never, never....
(He pulls the parrot out of the cage and screams into its ear.)
Mr. Praline : 'ELLO POLLAAAAAAAY! POLL-EE! POLLY PARROT!
WAKE UP!
(He bangs its head against the store counter, horribly hard.)
TESTIIIING! TESTIIIING! THIS IS YOUR NINE-O' CLOCK ALARM CALL!
(He does it again, harder.)
POLL-EEEEEEE!
(He tosses it up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor. Longish pause.)
Now that's what I call a dead parrot.
Owner : No, no.... No, he's stunned.
Mr. Praline : STUNNED?
Owner : Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin' up!
Norwegian Blues stun easily, major.
Mr. Praline : Look my lad, I've had just about enough of
this. That parrot is definitely deceased, and when I bought
it not half an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of
movement was due to it being tired and shagged out after a
long squawk.
Owner : Well, he's... he's, ah... probably pining for the
fjords.
(Praline looks angrily back and forth, stuttering.)
Mr. Praline : PININ' for the FJORDS? What kind of talk is that? Look, why did he fall
flat on his back the moment I got 'im home?
Owner : The Norwegian Blue prefers kippin' on its back! Remarkable bird, isn't it,
guv, eh? Lovely plumage!
Mr. Praline : (coldly) Look, I took the liberty of examining
that parrot when I got it home, and I discovered the only
reason that it had been sitting on its perch in the first place
was that it had been NAILED there.
(pause)
Owner : Well, of course it was nailed there! If I hadn't
nailed that bird down, it would have nuzzled up to those bars, bent 'em apart with its
little pecker, and VOOM!
Mr. Praline : "VOOM?"
(Praline puts the cage down and take the parrot into his hands.)
Mr. Praline : Look matey, this parrot wouldn't "voom" if you put four thousand volts
through it! It's bleedin' demised!
Owner : It's not! I-It's pining!
Mr. Praline : It's not pinin,' it's passed on! This parrot is no
more! It has ceased to be! It's expired and gone to meet its
maker! This is a late parrot! It's a stiff! Bereft of life, it rests
in peace! If you hadn't nailed him to the perch he would be
pushing up the daisies! Its metabolical processes are of
interest only to historians! It's hopped the twig! It's
shuffled off this mortal coil! It's run down the curtain and
joined the choir invisible! This.... is an EX-PARROT!
(pause)
Owner : Well, I'd better replace it, then.
(He disappears behind the counter.)
Mr. Praline : (turning to camera) If you want to get anything
done in this country you've got to complain 'til you're blue in
the mouth.
(The owner returns.)
Owner : Sorry guv, we're fresh out of parrots.
Mr. Praline : I see. I see, I get the picture.
Owner : (quietly) I-I've got a slug.
(pause)
Mr. Praline : (sweet as sugar) Does it talk?
Owner : Not really, no.
Mr. Praline : Well, it's SCARCELY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT
then, IS IT?
Owner : Listen, I'll tell you what, tell you what, if you go to
my brother's pet shop in Bolton, he'll replace your parrot for
you.
Mr. Praline : Bolton, eh?
Owner : Yeah.
Mr. Praline : All right. |
