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Politics : Sharks in the Septic Tank -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Lane3 who wrote (15149)	5/31/2001 7:33:41 PM
From: Lane3	Respond to of 82486

Just ran across this piece in the NYT. Since I was fussing the other day about my puny .7% tax rebate, I figured I'd post the clip. This writer is funnier than me, but then he's getting twice the rebate that I am... <<May 31, 2001 I Am Set for Life By ANDY BOROWITZ Like most Americans, I've had my share of hard knocks, but that's all about to change. Yes, my ship has finally come in. According to the tax plan that Congress just passed, my family is going to receive a tax rebate of $600. No, your eyes aren't playing tricks on you. My tax rebate isn't worth $6, or $60, it's worth 600, count 'em, $600. And if that's not enough to turn a guy's life around, I don't know what is. I should probably put this windfall into perspective. As long as I can remember, I've had big hopes and big dreams, but one thing always stood in my way: $600. I can still remember the night I asked my high school sweetheart to marry me. We'd been inseparable for four years running, and I couldn't imagine a future that didn't include the two of us together — but she, apparently, felt differently. "You're awfully sweet," she said, her voice tinged with regret. "But the man I marry will have to have $600 in his savings account." All I could do was shuffle self-consciously out of her house, bidding the love of my life goodbye, forever. Some years later, I had a beer with an old neighborhood friend, Billy Gates, who was starting a software company and looking for investors. "I'm in," I said. "Awesome," Billy said. "All I'm asking of our investors is that they put in at least $600. That won't be a problem for you, will it?" I'd rather not dwell on how my life might have changed if I'd only had $600 at the time. Suffice it to say that I dedicated the rest of my life to amassing $600, even if I had to step on a few toes to get it. Obsessed as I was, some years later I did something I thought I'd never do: I bought a lottery ticket. As I awaited the results on television, I could hardly believe my eyes: I had won $500. Undeniably a bonanza, but well short of the number that would make me, in a conventional sense, "set." Given this history, it's understandable that ever since I found out that a whopping $600 check was coming my way, I've been more or less pinching myself nonstop. What will I do with it all? Buy a wardrobe of Italian suits, or a fleet of fancy cars, or a house for my mom? Perhaps I can take my family to see "The Producers." It's hard to say, but one thing's for sure: I intend to give some of it back to the government, in the form of a rebate-rebate. Something tells me that one of these days Washington is going to need the money more than I will. Andy Borowitz writes a humor column, The Borowitz Report, for Newsweek.com. >>