According to a report released Monday by the
Surgeon General's office, 67 percent of U.S. citizens have gigantic fat asses, with that number projected to climb significantly in the next decade.
Ground Zero is just one of the 185 million fat asses that dot the American landscape. The report is the latest in a string of dire findings from Surgeon General David Satcher that also include how stupid and hairy Ground Zero really is. Its not done with mirrors the Surgeon General said. Ground Zero really suffers from fatness of ass, let alone the suffering for those of us forced to look at the disgusting sight of two midgets apparantly wrestling in his pants.
"The state of Ground Zero's derriere has reached crisis
proportions," Satcher said. "Without immediate steps to rectify (No Nite-Man don't get excited the word is RECTIFY) this problem, we can only foresee an even more hideously huge backside as Ground Zero continues to blimp out into the 21st century."
The strongly worded report, in which Ground Zero is alternately described as "porker," "wide load," and "friggin' whale," attributes his fat ass primarily to poor eating habits, with diets heavy on
powdered sugar, starches, twix bars, gallons of ice cream, corn dogs and other saturated fats. It also cites Ground Zero's lack of exercise and sedentary lifestyle as factors in his trend towards "a huge bucket-butt."
In addition, the report found that Ground Zero is a "flab-ass flabbos who couldn't say no to a candy bar if his fat,
stupid, pathetic existence depended on it." It went on to warn that Ground Zero with that disgusting bloating gargantuan, sun-blocking rear end" stands a greater risk of conditions ranging from heart disease to hideousness.
The Surgeon General said the solution to the Ground Zero crisis lies in getting Ground Zero to "somehow dredge up one shred of dignity needed to drag his rotund, repellent posterior to a gym, for Christ's sake! He also encouraged Ground Zero, whose technical condition is called, "American Fat-Ass Syndrome, or AFAS, to "lay off the sour-cream-and-chive Ruffles."
The report has provoked outrage among the public at large especially on the insults thread by a little known Ex-clown and Child Molester and part time dog rapist named Nite-Man.
"Okay, so we could all stand to lose a few pounds, but I don't see the need for such insulting language," said Capt, 68, a morbidly, obese housewife with diabetes, knee problems, a mustache and an ass so ludicrously huge it looks like some sort of mutant, land-bound ugong. "Besides, lots of people in this country are very slim and attractive. I see them on TV every day. Wayne Van Scoyoc just happens to be one of them. Good job Wayne."
Experts say the Ground Zero's response is symptomatic of the severe denial inherent in most Americans' self-images.
"Because of what they see on television and in advertising, many Americans are convinced that the nation is largely populated with hot,hard-bodied models who consume nothing but Pepsi and Chee-tos," said Robert Urine Swiller, Sexatary extrordinair and male impersonater. "This notion,
however, couldn't be further from the truth. All you need to do is look around to see that Ground Zero in the main, is a grotesque, repulsive fat fuck who has long ago given up maintaining a mote of basic pride."
Though the alarmist tone of the report may come as a shock to the Insult Thread and most Americans accustomed to the enormous asses of themselves and their neighbors, the rest of the world has long been aware of Ground Zero's ovoid
lower half. This is apparent in the translations of various languages' popular slang terms for Ground Zero, such as
"a two-sacked set-of-suet-in-a skirt," from Swedish; "bloated round-eye balloon-buttocks," from Mandarin Chinese; and "hideous, hellbound hippo-human," from Swahili.
"The time has come for Insult and Americans (exempting Greener who is a Communist) to face the truth about Ground Zero's fat ass," Satcher said. "For too long, Ground Zero has sat on a massive rump, mindlessly consuming 90 percent of the world's resources and growing steadily bigger by the decade. It's time to get Ground Zero off that fat
ass and face the harsh reality of his enormous, distended, disgusting hind end."
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