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Politics : Sharks in the Septic Tank -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Lane3 who wrote (20384)	8/2/2001 5:56:05 PM
From: The Philosopher	Read Replies (2) \| Respond to of 82486

We're going to disagree here. My mother was quite clear, when I was young, that living together was not a good precursor to getting married. Her point, and I agree with it (and can't discuss it further with her since she's long dead) was that marriage is a lifetime commitment, so you have to work to make it work, while relationships, however committed, are not, and if you know that all you have to do is leave and that's it, it simply isn't the same thing. As for the benefits of taking a test drive before marriage, I see many. One obvious one, for the woman at least, is that you'd have more assurance of his commitment to you if you no longer had to wonder if he was professing undying love just to get into your pants. You'd have that out of the way and you could better judge his commitment. That's a sad commentary on both the woman and the man. If you really think the man is that dishonest, or if you even think he might be, IMO you shouldn't be in a relationship with him. And on the other side, if you're going to think that way, the man doesn't know whether the woman is just "putting out" to hook him and as soon as she says "I do" it's headaches six nights a week and nothing more than basic missionary position, if that. So it can work both ways. I think, though, that the main reason is that sex increases intimacy. You get to know your partner much better through that experience. Yes and no. A certain kind of intimacy, yes. But sex can also tend to obscure the true getting to know somebody. The multi-year betrothals which our ancestors went through. Also, sex before marriage takes out an element of trust and mystery which I think are valuable to marriage. There is a leap of faith you must make to get married to someone you haven't slept with, which enhances, IMO, one's commitment, and one's need to be very clear about the person before saying yes. Sex without commitment (and whatever you say, even long term nonmarital relationships are not commitments, say what you will; my experience as a family law attorney is clear on this) is simply a very different thing. Basically, our society is an "I want it all and I want it now" society. We have lost the concept of working hard toward a long term goal. IMO, a good marriage is a long term goal that requires careful thought beforehand, then work, lifetime commitment, all the things our society is turned off on. Sex before marriage is sort of like the stock market before the recent drop -- all the good, none of the bad, everybody believing that you could have it all, no pain, all gain. I don't think that's healthy either for societies or for individuals.