fridays funnies...
Mario and Marie, a nice young couple, were getting married and planned on living with Marie's mother until they could establish a place of their own. On their wedding night, they went upstairs and were getting ready for bed. Mario started to get undressed, taking off his shirt first, and he had hair all over his chest. Marie ran downstairs and told her mother. "Momma!! Momma!! He’s got hair all over his chest!"
Her mother replied, "Marie, you go upstairs and make your momma proud." So Marie ran upstairs and found Mario taking off his pants. He was extremely hairy all over his legs. Marie ran down the steps to tell her mother. "Momma, he’s got hair all over his legs." "Marie, you go upstairs and make your Momma proud." Marie ran upstairs and found her new husband sitting on the bed taking off his socks. Unfortunately, he had lost half of his foot in the war. Marie took one look, ran downstairs, and said, "Momma, Momma, he’s only got a foot and a half!" At this, Momma yelled, "Marie, you wait here. I'm gonna go upstairs!"
``````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````
Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History were marveling at the dinosaur bones. One of them asked the guard, "Can you tell me
how old the dinosaur bones are?" The guard replied, "They are 3 million, four years, and six months old." "That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?"
The guard answered, "Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago."...on the floor crying out loud...LOL...
`````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````
Things that you should never say to a woman during an argument.
~ Don't you have some laundry to do or something?
~ Ohh, you are so cute when you get all pissed off.
~ You're just upset because your ass is beginning to spread.
~ Wait a minute - I get it. What time of the month is it?
~ You sure you don't want to consult the great Oprah on this one?
~ Sorry. I was just picturing you naked.
~ Whoa, time out. Football is on.
~ Looks like someone had an extra bowl of bitch flakes this morning!
~ Is there any way we can do this via e-mail?
~ Who are you kidding? We both know that thing ain't loaded.
`````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````
It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and onfronted the butcher with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it? Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed. He had been counting the years off on his calender, and one day the teenager who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow." "I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face." When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman nodded and said,
"Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread,
free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the
expression on HIS face!"
````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````
A little old lady had always wanted to join a local biker club, so one
day she goes up and knocks on the door. A big, hairy, bearded biker
with tattoos all over his arms answers. She proclaims, "I want to join your club." The guy was amused, but says she needs to meet certain biker requirements in order to join. The biker asks; "Do you have a motorcycle?" The little old lady replies, "Yep... my bike's parked over there", and points to a flamed black Harley chopper in the driveway.
The biker asks, "Do you drink?" The little old lady replies, "Yep...
drink like a fish. I'll drink any man in your club under the table."
The biker asks, "Do you smoke?" The little old lady replies "Yep... smoke like a chimney. At least 4 packs of cigarettes and three joints a day and a couple of cigars in the evening, while I'm shooting pool."
The biker is very impressed and asks, "Last question, have you ever
been picked up by the fuzz?" The little old lady thinks for a minute and says, "Nope ... but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times."
```````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````
A penguin is driving his car on a hot summer day, when he
notices that his oil lite is on. He gets out of the car,
and sure enough, it's leaking oil all over. He drives
around the corner to a service station and asks the mechanic
to take a look at it.
The mechanic says that he has a few other cars to look at
first, but he should have a diagnosis in about an hour.
The penguin agrees to come back and then goes for a walk.
He finds an ice cream shop and thinks, "Ahhh, a big bowl of
ice cream will hit the spot." He sits down at the counter
and orders the biggest bowl of vanilla ice cream they have.
After messily scarfing it all down, the penguin returns to
the garage to check on his car. "Did you find out what was
wrong with my car?" asks the penguin.
"It looks like you've blown a seal," replies the mechanic.
"No, no," the penguin insists, "it's just ice cream."
```````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````
A teenager goes into a drug store and he says to the clerk,
"I want to buy some condoms. How much?" The clerk responds
"I have these here... three for a dollar"
Teenager: "Perfect. I'll buy three"
Clerk: "That will be one doller and three cents"
Teenager: "What's the three cents for?"
Clerk: "For the tax"
Teenager: "No, no, I want the ones that stay on by
themselves..."
good fortune...
pops |
