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Politics : Sharks in the Septic Tank -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: epicure who wrote (20569)	8/3/2001 9:14:22 PM
From: Lane3	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 82486

I don't want my children to live out my dreams, I want them to find their own dreams. I've been watching you post about your offspring and the kids in your classes for a long time now. That you get it, I'm sure. They're all very lucky to have you. Karen

To: epicure who wrote (20569)	8/3/2001 10:20:40 PM
From: Dayuhan	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 82486

I have set my share of rules, but these days, where my 11 year old son is concerned, I find that more and more often we set the rules together, through discussion and (that forbidden word) compromise. A frequent subject is his mountain bike obsession: there are trails on which he and his friends can ride, and trails on which they cannot. It's a serious thing because a bad decision can result in serious injury under difficult circumstances, and because once they take off on their bikes, I have no control over where they actually go: they can easily say they are heading for one trail, and actually go to another. Not long ago they expressed a desire to ride the jungle luge, the hardest and most remote trail in the area. My first reaction was to say "no", and leave it at that. Instead, I made a big show of contemplation, and said something like "I don't know, Joey, Rob Rayner rode that trail and ended up with a few broken bones, and he's a pretty good rider". I also pointed out that it had been raining, and the trails are muddy, and that the trail is remote, which means that it's a real problem if someone gets hurt, etc. The point of this was not only to guide him in making a decision that conformed to the one I'd already made, but to give him ammunition to use when the peer group challenged that decision. The whole thing ended up in a compromise: I agreed that they could ride the trail in dry weather, as long as my paddling buddy Vince, the local mountain bike guru and the guy who cut the trail, went along and showed them where they had to dismount and walk the bikes, etc. (I don't ride bikes). Then I called Vince and the other parents, and made the arrangements, asking him to tell the kids plenty of scary stories and point out the risks in no uncertain terms. The ride was made with no trouble, and now, if they want to do one of the more challenging trails, they ask me to arrange it. I also use subtle manipulations. We made all the kids in the group go through a serious first aid class, which included taking them out on the trails, simulating an injury, and having them deal with it without help. The point was not only to teach them what to do if there was an accident, but to make them think about accidents, and take the possibility seriously. Now, before even a fairly simple ride, I'll overhear them discussing how they have to have 4 people, so that if someone gets hurt they will have someone to stay with the victim and a team of two to go for help. They carry a first aid kit and hold safety meetings before rides. Instead of thinking they are cool because they ride with no precautions, they think they are cool because they know how to do it right, the same way the real pro riders do. At the same time, if he goes along on a paddling trip, I make sure we have formal safety meetings and to have him sit in, even on straightforward runs, so he sees that I take these issues as seriously as I expect him to take them. Will any of this help when it comes to making decisions about sex? I don't know. I do believe that whatever issue is current needs to be exploited for maximum training value. I also believe, though I do not know, that walking a kid through the decision making process that leads to an answer of "no" can be a lot more effective than just saying "no", and that showing a willingness to compromise means that on the day comes when you won't compromise, the kid will at least know that I'm not doing that because that's what I always do.