friday's funnies...
Q: What's the difference between women at ages of 8, 18, 28, 38 and 58???
A1: 08 - You put her to bed and tell her a story
A2: 18 - You tell her a story and take her to bed
A3: 28 - You don't need to tell her any story and take her to bed
A4: 38 - She tells you a story and takes you to bed
A5: 58 - You tell her a very long story to avoid going to bed
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Who was the best financier in the Bible?
Noah. He floated his stock while the whole world was in liquidation.
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to
make an exception." - Groucho Marx
A young women visited her eye doctor complaining of failing eyesight.
The doctor sat her in front of a standard eye chart.
Doctor: "Can you read the bottom line?"
Girl: "No."
Doctor: "Can you read the center line?"
Girl: "No."
Doctor: "Can you read the large top line?"
Girl: "No."
Doctor (getting frustrated): "Can you even see the chart?"
Girl: "No."
The doctor is clearly frustrated and whips his johnson out of his pants.
Doctor: "Can you see this?"
Girl: "Of course!"
Doctor: "Well, there's your problem - you're cock-eyed!"
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Three nuns on a train had been getting to know one another and decided to tell each other what their greatest sins were. The first nun says, "My greatest sin is sex. Every year
I go out for a week and work as a prostitute. Of course, I put all the money I earn into the poor box." The second nun says, "My greatest sin is drinking. Every year I take the money from the poor box and go out
drinking for a solid week." The third just sits there quietly. So the first nun says to her, "Come on, we've told you our worst sins. Now you have to tell us yours." The third nun says, "My greatest sin is that I gossip, and I can't wait to get off this train."
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A businessman was confused about a bill he had received, so he asked his secretary for some mathematical help. "If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?" he asked her. The secretary replied, "Everything but my earrings."
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Q. Why do blondes insist on using condoms for sex?
A. So they'll have a doggie bag for later.
Q. How can you tell if you have a high sperm count?
A. If your girlfriend chews before swallowing
Q. What do you call a nun who sleepwalks?
A. A roamin' Catholic.
Q. What do they call 69 in China?
A. Two Can Chew
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new Movie ratings...
G.......Nobody gets the girl.
PG.....The Good Guy Gets The Girl.
R.......The Bad Guy Gets The Girl.
X........Everybody Gets The Girl.
Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can't remember whether I need to put it away or start making a sandwich." The second lady chimed in, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I am on my way up or on my way down." The third one responded, "Well, I'm glad I don't have that problem, knock on wood." She rapped her knuckles on the table, then told them, "That must be the door, I'll get it!"
Q: What's the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare...
A redneck couple were married and went on their honeymoon. After several hours the guy picks up the phone and calls his dad. "Dad", he says desperately, "I forgot what you told me to do!" His father replies, "Don't you remember, Son? I told you to put your most precious thing in where she pees." "Oh yeah!", the guy shouted. So, he ran and threw his bowling ball in the toilet.
Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They won't stop and ask for directions.
Once the club duffer challenged the local golf pro to a match, with a $100 bet on the side. "But," said the duffer, "since you're obviously much better than me, to even it a bit you have to spot me two 'gotchas'." The golf pro didn't know what a 'gotcha' was, but he went along with it. And off they went. Coming back to the 19th hole, the rest of the club members were amazed to see the golf pro paying the duffer $100. "What happened?" asked one of the members. "Well," said the pro, "I was teeing up for the first hole, and as I brought the club down, the jerk stuck his hand between my legs and grabbed me while yelling 'Gotcha!' Have you ever tried to play 18 holes of golf waiting for the second 'gotcha'?"
What can a bird do that a man can't?
Whistle through his pecker.
My husband and I had just finished tucking our five young ones into bed
one evening when we heard sobbing coming from three- year-old Billy's room. Rushing to his side, we found him crying hysterically. He had accidentally swallowed a penny and was sure he was going to die. No amount of talking could change his mind. Desperate to calm him, my husband palmed a penny that he happened to have in his pocket and pretended to pull it from Billy's ear. Billy was delighted. In a flash,
he snatched it from my husband's hand, swallowed it and demanded
cheerfully, "Do it again, Dad!"
have a great weekend...
pops |
