You & this guy were separated at birth: "Joe Bob Goes to the Drive-In: Gladiator III?
By JOE BOB BRIGGS, Drive-In Movie Critic of Grapevine, Texas
NEW YORK, Aug. 15(UPI) -- Am I hallucinating, or is this the second "
Gladiator" ripoff featuring bimbos wearing loincloths and legionnaires'
helmets inside of a month?
I speak, of course, of "Gladiator Eroticus," which comes to us right after "
The Arena," the remake of Ridley Scott's masterpiece, but with Playboy
Playmate gladiatrixes. (Or would that be gladiatrices?)
This one gets right to the point, with a nekkid Roman lesbian general (did
they have those?) walking through a golden meadow, rubbing her hand over the
waving stalks where her homeland of Lesbius once stood before the emperor
demolished it. (Uh, shouldn't that be Lesbos, the Greek island popularized by
Sappho? Obviously director John Bacchus didn't pay attention in Latin and
Greek class, perhaps because he has the surname of the god of drunken revels.)
And then comes that staple of historical movies, the slow type-crawl:
"Many things are known. Many things are unknown. But few know the legend of
the lesbian gladiators."
That legend begins in Germania, in 285 A.D., where the Emperor Gluteus
Maximus commands General Eroticus (the sinewy brunette Darian Caine) to lead
his army against the barbarians.
The warriors refuse to fight until she shows them her breasts, Mardi Gras-
style, but then they engage in an orgy of limb-hacking that may be
historically accurate or may be a couple dozen thinly-garbed extras in a New
Jersey field, tossing around rubber limbs from somebody's Halloween party.
After a long lesbian sex scene between Eroticus and a blonde warrior, both
of them wearing authentic period thong bikinis, Gluteus Maximus claims victory
and Eroticus addresses her troops: "Let's just say we licked 'em."
Gluteus Maximus asks her to assume the emperorship, to preserve it from the
designs of his wimpy mincing son, Dickus Minimus, who has already printed up T-
shirts that say "I Am the Emperor!" and spends most of his time trying to make
his babe sister pose like Madonna and remove her blouse.
When he discovers that his father is about to pass him over, he raises his
toga and exposes himself in a fit of rage, causing the emperor to fall over
laughing and drop dead of a heart attack.
Soon the conniving son is dispatching identical-twin blonde, lesbian big-
breasted legionnaires to slit the throat of Eroticus. Instead they end up
groping one another under a tree until the heart-broken homesick lesbo general
can make her escape and trek home in the nude to the ruins of Lesbius.
In other words, it's pretty much a documentary about the third century A.D.,
told from the lesbo point of view.
Fifteen dead bodies. Eighty-five breasts. Arm-chewing. Hacking. Goring.
Groping, with wailing Muslim music. Head rolls. Arm rolls. Multiple
aardvarking. Multiple orgiastic grimacing. Nekkid slow-motion gladiatrix
practice. Extras eaten by giant Disney animals. Multiple piercings in
interesting places. Gratuitous vomitorium. Broadsword Fu. Bimbo Fu. Mace Fu.
Tattoo Fu.
Drive-In Academy Award nominations for Darian Caine, the popular Web site
model, for saying "Most of all, I wish for the return to my homeland of
Lesbius, to listen to the sweet sounds of etheridge, and laugh in jest at the
brilliance of degeneres, and on Tuesday nights head down to the local
playhouse theater for the Xena episode" and "Nothing is bigger than your
majesty's Gluteus Maximus."
Misty Mundae, as the oversexed young imperial sister Clitoris, who says "I
would rather die than rule side by side with you!" and "Uh, I dropped my
contact lens and she was helping me look for it"; John P. Fedele, as the evil
Dickus Minimus, for saying "I need to be down with the ladies in the 280's"
and proclaiming new signs for the city that read "Welcome to Sunny Decadent
War-mongering Rome."
Debbie Rochon, as the lesbian gladiatrix boot-camp slavemistress, for saying
"You will play in the Lesbian Games or DIE!"; Jade Duboir, as the muscular
ebony warrior Orgasmus, for saying "You may lunge at my breasts now"; and John
Bacchus, the writer/director, for not letting any plot get in the way of the
story.
Two stars. Joe Bob says check it out.
To reach Joe Bob, go to joebob-briggs.com mailto:joebob-briggs.com>> or
email him at JoeBob@upi.com mailto:JoeBob@upi.com>. Snail-mail: P.O. Box 2002,
Dallas, Texas, 75221. |
