friday's funnies...
After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved
another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the
director reviewed the rescuer's file and called him into his office.
"Mr. James, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you're
ready to go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed
himself with a rope around the neck." "Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. James replied. "I hung him up to dry."
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A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money. The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. "I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing
the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.
"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent
the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37. "Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars.
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The old man had died. A wonderful funeral was in progress and the country preacher talked at length of the good traits of the deceased -- what an honest man he was, and what a loving husband and kind father he was. Finally, the widow leaned over and whispered to one of her children, "Go up there and take a look in the coffin and see if that's your pa."
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An American who finds himself in Moscow wants to know the time. He sees
a man approaching him carrying two heavy suitcases and asks the fellow if he knows the correct time. "Certainly," says the Russian, setting down the two bags and looking at his wrist. "It is 11:43 and 17 seconds. The date is Feb. 13, the moon is nearing its full phase and the atmospheric pressure stands at 992 hectopascals and is rising."
The visitor is dumbfounded but manages to ask if the watch that
provides all this information is Japanese. No, he is told, it is "our own, a product of Soviet Technology." "Well, that is wonderful, you are to be congratulated." "Yes," the Russian answers, straining to pick up the suitcases, "but these batteries are still a little heavy."
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A man went to his boss's costume party with nothing on but a naked
young woman on his back. "So what the hell are you supposed to be?" the boss asked. "I'm a snail," the man replied. "What a load of crapola!" his boss spat. "How can you be a snail when all you've got is that naked young woman on your back?" "You've got it wrong," the man replied, "That's Michelle."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Doctor, you've gotta help me... my wife Sharon just isn't interested
in sex anymore. Haven't you got a pill or something I can give her?"
"Look, Charlie, I can't prescribe..." "Doctor, we've been friends for years. Have you ever seen me this upset? I am desperate! I can't think; I can't concentrate; my life is going utterly to Hell! You've got to help me." The doctor opens his desk drawer and removes a small bottle of pills. "Ordinarily, I wouldn't do this. These are experimental, but the tests so far indicate that they're VERY powerful. Don't give Sharon more than ONE, understand?....JUST one."
"One. No more. In her coffee. Okay?" "Um... okay." Charlie expresses gratitude, and departs for home, where Sharon has dinner waiting. When dinner is finished, Sharon goes to the kitchen to bring dessert. Charlie , in fumbling haste, pulls the pills from his pocket and drops one into Sharon's coffee. He reflects for a moment, hesitates, then drops in a second pill. And then he begins to worry. The Doc did say they were powerful. Then an inspiration strikes: Charlie drops one pill into his own coffee. Sharon returns with the shortcake, and they enjoy their dessert and coffee, our Charlie with poorly concealed anticipation. Sure enough, a few minutes after they finish, Sharon shudders a little, sighs deeply and heavily, and a strange smoky look enters her eyes. In a deep, throaty, near-whisper, in a tone of voice Charlie has never heard Sharon use before, she says, "I... need... a man..!!!." Charlie eyes glitter and his hands tremble as he replies, "Me too..!!!."
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A man spent the evening in a Japanese house of ill-repute and contracts a strange disease, causing his member to display colors ranging from red, to green, to purple and several other hues. In a state of panick, he contacts his family doctor, and is informed that his member must be amputated immediately. After two or three opinions from other family practitioners, he decides to try a Japanese doctor. A Japanese prostitute, probably a Japanese disease... why not a Japanese doctor? After finding a suitable physician in the Yellow Pages, he visits the Japanese doctor's office, knocks on the fringe, and hesitantly approaches the medical man. "What can I do for you?" asks the doctor. "Look at this..." replies the man, and drops his undies, revealing his sickly little friend. "Not for too long...", replies the doctor, "What happened?" The man explains the circumstances, then asks the doctor, "Will you have to amputate?" "No" replied the doctor, and he explained to the relieved man, "two three days that thing gonna fall off all by itself."
have a grrreat weekend...
good fortune...
pops |
