friday's funnies...
Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, getting in and out past security, he was captured only 2 blocks away when his Ford Econoline ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a daring and otherwise brilliant crime and then make such an obvious error... He replied: "I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."...
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Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.
Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone." Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket." "Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook." He continued," Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels; the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it...half of them hit the floor and broke." "Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer...and believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her!"
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One day the teacher decides to play an animal game. She holds up a picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is. No one raises their hand. The teacher says, "See it's long neck? What animal has a long neck?" Sally holds up her hand and asks "is it a giraffe?" "Very good Sally," the teacher replies. Next she holds up a picture of a zebra. None of the students holds up thier hands. "See the stripes on this animal? What animal has stripes?" Billy holds up his hand and says, "It's a zebra." "Very good Billy," the teacher replies. Next she holds up a picture of a deer. None of the students recognized the animal. "See the big antlers on this animal. What animal has horns like
this?" Still no one guesses. "Let me give you another hint, it's
something your mother calls your father." Little Johnny shouts out, "IS IT A HORNY BASTARD?"
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** The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
** Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
** One good turn... gets most of the blankets.
** An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
** Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
** It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
** Jury - Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.
** Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
** If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
** Definition of Atheism: a non-prophet organization.
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A salesman goes up to a house and knocks on the front door. It's opened by a little ten year-old boy who has a lighted cigar in one hand, a glass of whiskey in the other and a Penthouse magazine tucked under his arm. Salesman: "Hello son. Is your mom or dad home?"
Little boy: "What the f*## do you think?"
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Blond Hunters...
A couple of blonde hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls
to the ground. She doesn't seem to be breathing, her eyes are rolled back in her head. The other blond whips out her cell phone and calls 911. She gasps to the operator, " I think my friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy. I can help. First, lets make sure she's dead." ....There is a silence, then a shot is heard..... The blond says, "OK, now what?"
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A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he
fingered through the old pages. Suddenly something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it closely. What he saw
was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked. With astonishment in a young boy's voice, he
answered: "I THINK IT'S ADAM'S UNDERWEAR"
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"If 99.9% Is Good Enough...."
12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily.
114,500 mismatched pairs of shoes will be shipped/year.
18,322 pieces of mail will be mishandled/hour.
2,000,000 documents will be lost by the IRS this year.
2.5 million books will be shipped with the wrong covers.
Two planes landed at Chicago's O'Hare airport will be unsafe every day.
315 entries in Webster's Dictionary will be misspelled.
20,000 incorrect drug prescriptions will be written this year.
880,000 credit cards in circulation will turn out to have incorrect cardholder information on their magnetic strips.
103,260 income tax returns will be processed incorrectly during the year.
5.5 million cases of soft drinks produced will be flat.
291 pacemaker operations will be performed incorrectly.
3056 copies of tomorrow's Wall Street Journal will be missing one of the three sections
A typical day would be 24 hours long (give or take 86.4 seconds)
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and finally...
A duel was fought between Alexander Shott and
John Nott. Nott was shot and Shott was not. In this
case it is better to be Shott than Nott. Some said
that Nott was not shot. But Shott says that he shot
Nott.
It may be that the shot Shott shot, shot Nott, or it
may be possible that the shot Shott shot, shot Shott
himself. We think, however, that the shot Shott shot,
shot not Shott, but Nott. Anyway, it is hard to tell which
was shot and which was not.
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for those that have labor day off have a great holiday weekend...
good fortune...
pops |
