friday's funnies...
Here are some signs on Church property...
- Free Trip to heaven. Details Inside!
- Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins!
- Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here!
- Have trouble sleeping? We have sermons -- come hear one!
- Come in and pray today. Beat the Christmas rush!
- If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns.
- Running low on faith? Stop in for a fill-up...
- This is a CH__CH. What is missing?" ---------> (U R)
- Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world.
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As soon as she had finished convent school, a bright young girl named
Lena shook the dust of Ireland off her shoes and made her way to New York where before long, she became a successful performer in show business. Eventually she returned to her home town for a visit and on a Saturday night went to confession in the church where she had always attended as a child. In the confessional, Father Sullivan recognized her and began asking her about her work. She explained that she was an acrobatic dancer, and he wanted to know what that meant. She said she would be happy to show him the kind of thing she did on stage. She
stepped out of the confessional and within sight of Father Sullivan,
she went into a series of cartwheels, leaping splits, handsprings and backflips. Kneeling near the confessional, waiting their turn, were two
middle-aged ladies. They witnessed Lena's acrobatics with wide eyes, and one said to the other, "Will you jus' look at the penance Father Sullivan is givin' out this night, and me without me bloomers on!"
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A young man at his first job as a waiter in a diner has a large trucker
sit down at the counter and order, "Gimme 3 flat tires and a couple of
headlights." Bewildered he goes to the kitchen and tells the cook, "I think this guy's in the wrong store, look at what he ordered!" The cook says, "He wants 3 pancakes & 2 eggs sunny-side up." The waiter takes a bowl of beans to the trucker. He looks at it and growls, "What's this? I didn't order this!" The young man tells him, "The cook says that while you're waiting for your parts you might as well gas up!"
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A blonde went to a flight school, insisting she wanted to learn to fly that day. As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her on how to pilot the helicopter solo by radio. He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics and sent her on her way. After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the
hang of this." After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was becoming to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet,
and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in. A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage. When he asked what happened, she said, "I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can't remember anything after I turned off the big fan."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle.Then I realized that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stoleone and asked Him to forgive me." ---Emo Philips
Two old Irishmen were sitting at the local pub drinking a few beers. So, Thomas O'Ryan said to Liam Halloren, "Liam, me buddy, me ol' pal. When I die would you please pour a couple of beers o'er me grave?"
Liam said, "Why certainly, but could I pour it through me bladder first?"
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There was a man who was in a horrible accident and was injured. The only permanent damage he suffered, though, was the amputation of both of his ears. As a result of this unusual condition, he was very self-conscious about his having no ears. Because of the accident, he received a large sum of money from the insurance company. It was always his dream to own his own business. He decided with all this money he had, he now had the means to own a business. So he went out and purchased a small, but expanding computer firm. But he realized that he had no business knowledge at all, so he decided that he would have to hire someone to run the business. He picked out three top candidates and interviewed each of them. The first interview went really well. He really liked this guy. His last question for this first candidate was, "Do you notice anything unusual about me?" The guy said, "Now that you mention it, you have no ears." The man got really upset and threw the guy out. The second interview went even better than the first. This candidate was much better than the first. Again, to conclude the interview, the man asked the same question again, "Do you notice anything unusual about me?" This guy also noticed, "Yes, you have no ears." The man was really upset again, and threw this second candidate out. Then he had the third interview. The third candidate was even better than the second, the best out of all of them. Almost certain that he wanted to hire this guy, the man once again asked, "Do you notice anything unusual about me?" The guy replied, "Yeah, you're wearing contact lenses." Surprised, the man then asked, "Wow! That's quite perceptive of you! How could you tell?" The guy burst out laughing and said, "Well, You can't wear glasses if you don't have any ears!"
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A drunk walked up to a parking meter and put in a quarter. The dial went to 60. He said, "How about that. I lost 100 pounds."
"I tell ya, I know the best way to get girls. I hang out at
women's prisons, and wait for parolees." ---Rodney Dangerfield
..............>>>>>>>>>>>
You Know You're Getting Older When...
- You and your teeth don't sleep together.
- Your try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover
you aren't wearing any.
- At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not eating cereal.
- Your back goes out, but you stay home.
- You wake up looking like your driver's license picture.
- It takes two tries to get up from the couch.
- Happy hour is a nap.
- You're on vacation, and your energy runs out before your money does.
- You say something to your kids that your mother
said to you, and you always hated it.
- You look for your glasses for half an hour, and they were on your head the whole time.
- You sink your teeth into a steak - and they stay there.
- Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.
- It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
- Your memory is shorter and your complaining lasts longer.
- Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.
- The pharmacist has become your new best friend.
- Getting "lucky" means you found your car in the parking lot.
- It takes twice as long - to look half as good.
- Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt - doesn't work.
- You give up all your bad habits and still don't feel good.
- You have more patience, but it is actually that you
just don't care anymore.
make it a great weekend and be safe...
good fortune...
pops |
