Silly, Christians do not blame whe whole fall of man on a woman. That is silly.
That is really silly. Christians are more contemptuous towards woman than the Taliban?
That is silly.
SEVENTH HEAVEN meets the TALIBAN
by Josh "Fatwa Meat" Karpf
When I see their pious faces makin' me feel glad
Seventh Heaven
I know there's no greater feelin' than our waging jihad.
Where can you go when infidels don't treat you right?
The answer's Kabul; that's the one place that you'll find . . .
Seventh Heaven, mmmmm, Seventh Heaven
Seventh Heaven.
Act 1.
(In the kitchen, Mullah Camden, Mom Camden, Maryam, Suleyman, and Rahi are breakfasting on tabouli and goat jerky. Suleyman and Rahi are poking each other.)
MARYAM: Dad, this is REALLY unfair.
MULLAH CAMDEN: Honey, you have to be an adult about this. We all knew that when the twins came that it would change our family budget.
MARYAM: That DOESN'T mean I should have to marry Uncle Tariq! He's sixty years old!
MOM: He's a good man.
MULLAH CAMDEN: He helped the mujahideen kick out the Russians. He has business connections from that. You know we'll have to spend to send Sami and Dawoud to school when they're older. They're boys; they need an education.
MARYAM: I know.
MULLAH CAMDEN: You're a girl, so you don't. You're the eldest, and that means giving your dowry will come at a difficult time for us. The money has to stay in the family -- which is why you should consider Tariq.
MARYAM: I won't do it! (Exits.)
MULLAH CAMDEN: How long will THIS last?
MOM: Is the sun down yet?
(Malik enters from kitchen door, limping. He sits at the table and takes some goat meat.)
RAHI: Mom! Malik's got blood on his caftan again!
MALIK: Shut up.
RAHI: MOM!
MOM: Malik, don't let your sister get your goat. Ha ha! And what did I tell you about dirty clothes in the house? The Koran says, "If ye are polluted, then purify yourself."
MALIK: It's just dhimmi blood, Mom. They're unbelievers but they have to abide by our laws just like everyone else. Don't worry, my jehadi brigade didn't hurt him. We made sure he was properly arrested.
SULEYMAN: What did THIS one do? Shake hands with a woman?
MALIK: He was selling blasphemous toys, to warp childen's minds from Allah. Miss Piggy dolls! Toy SWINE!
RAHI (rolling eyes): I don't see why swine are so bad. It's JUST a doll! They're JUST swine!
MULLAH CAMDEN: Rahi, Suleyman, don't you have some suras to go memorize?
RAHI: No.
SULEYMAN: No.
MULLAH CAMDEN: You do now. (Rahi and Suleyman resume poking each other.)
MALIK: Dad, even a child can misled by sin. You need to be stricter.
MULLAH CAMDEN: Malik, your mother and I have been discussing this. We're very proud of your achievements as a Talib, and of all the personal growth you've shown. The Taliban have given you purpose after you suffered your glorious war wound, but we --
RAHI: Some war wound! Butt shrapnel! (Quickly exits with Suleyman, giggling.)
MULLAH CAMDEN: -- wonder whether you aren't taking this a little too far. Sometimes you behave as if WE are the infidels.
MALIK: Dad, I fought the Uzbeks to keep Islam safe then AND now! When I go out with my brigade, we catch sinners. You know, we don't just cut long hair that keeps the head from touching the ground in prayer. If their beards are short, we send the men to a camp till it's grown out. We do lash them a little. Everything we do promotes the word of Allah!
MOM: All of which pleases Allah. But even the Prophet, peace be unto him, rested a bit. Once in a while?
MALIK: Mom, I CAN'T rest! There are women on the street RIGHT NOW with men who aren't relatives! Or with ankles showing! They're in danger! Yesterday I stopped a woman from sitting in a chair that a man had just used! She could've been excited by his body heat! Do you want women rubbing themselves on men's chairs like that?
MULLAH CAMDEN: Don't raise your voice to your mother, Malik.
(Leyla enters, shuffling forward.)
MALIK (smiling): Here comes a good bride of Allah!
MOM (rushing forward): Honey, how do you feel? (Smiles.) You're a woman now!
LEYLA: Well, being a woman HURTS. (Pouts). And none of my friends had to do this! It's not even in the Holy Koran!
MOM: Being different makes you special.
MULLAH CAMDEN: You might be the only girl in Afghanistan who's done this, but millions of Muslim girls in Africa do it too.
LEYLA: Will Rahi do it?
MULLAH CAMDEN: Of course. You should appreciate the heritage of other cultures, if they're friends of Islam.
LEYLA: It hurts.
MULLAH CAMDEN: Think about this change in your life. Disbudding is a pious act. An uncircumcised woman would be excited too quickly and before the man, and too much stimulation is bad for your health. You'll understand better when you're older.
MALIK: Maybe we should infibulate her.
MOM: Malik, that is ENOUGH! Sew her up and give her bridegroom a knife? That's barbaric! (Leyla cries, and runs from the room.) I don't know WHAT kind of people you're hanging out with, but friends don't let friends infibulate their sisters!
MULLAH CAMDEN: Honey, no one's going to sew up Leyla. Disbudding is enough. Calm down. Is everything okay? Maybe you should let Maryam watch the twins tonight.
MOM: No. I'll be fine. I'm just cranky. It's just that time of the month, you know.
MALIK (Stands, aghast.): Mom, you RECITED from the Holy Koran on CLEANLINESS while you are IMPURE?
MULLAH CAMDEN: Malik, I'm sure your mother is sorry and will atone. Let's keep this in the family. I'm tired of you acting like we're the infidel.
MALIK: Do not add evil to unhappiness!
MULLAH CAMDEN: I'm a mullah, for chrissakes!
MALIK: BLASPHEMER!
MULLAH CAMDEN: I'm going to my study to study some hadiths. A man should have peace in his house!
Act 2.
(Mullah Camden sits on rugs in his study, rocking back and forth, studying a large Koran. He is surrounded by other books piled high. Suleyman and Rahi enter. Mullah Camden quickly rearranges the clothes over his lap.)
SULEYMAN: Dad, we're having an argument.
MULLAH CAMDEN: No. Really?
RAHI: Are there girls in heaven?
MULLAH CAMDEN: Odd, I was just reading some commentary on that . . . sit down, kids. (Suleyman and Rahi curl up on rugs.) Heaven is a wonderful place. The Holy Koran often says there are seven heavens, one above another. In these heavens, men recline on couches in enclosed gardens, being served fruit and wine and meats. We are given as wives wide-eyed, blushing houris, beautiful virgins who are renewed for us endlessly, again and again and again. (Mullah Camden flips through his Koran.) Nymphs untouched by man and djinn . . . eyes like hidden pearls . . . dark-eyed houris created as virgins, loving companions . . . the pious will be in a peaceful abode, we will marry them to wide-eyes houris. . . .
SULEYMAN: Dad, how come you won't send Leyla or Rahi to school but want us all to know to read?
MULLAH CAMDEN: Suleyman, the Koran is all anyone needs to read. You learn that at home. For business, for politics: for that the men of the family must go to school. Like you.
RAHI: Will Mom go to heaven when she dies?
MULLAH CAMDEN: If the husband is pleased with the wife, she goes to paradise.
RAHI: Will she be giving you grapes and renewing herself for ever and ever and ever and ever and --
MULLAH CAMDEN: It doesn't quite work that way.
RAHI: Then how does it work?
MULLAH CAMDEN: I'm going out. When I'm back I want you to have memorized some suras about this. I have no peace!
Act 3.
(Long view of the kitchen entrance. Mullah Camden's voice is heard: "You are divorced. You are divorced. You are divorced." Mom's crying is heard. Mullah Camden emerges from the kitchen and walks down long hall to front door. He is blocked by Maryam.)
MARYAM: Dad! Can we talk?
MULLAH CAMDEN: If this is about your Uncle Tariq, you really should give him a chance, and I have to get out of here --
MARYAM: No, I mean yes, it's about him, Dad. I prayed about this and I'm gonna submit to the will of Allah after all and marry Uncle Tariq.
MULLAH CAMDEN: That's great news, Maryam, that's great news. And you'll like being with Uncle Tariq. For one thing, you won't be hidden at home or veiled. Out in the country everyone works, so you'll have some more freedom, if that's what you want.
(Maryam hugs Mullah Camden. He breaks free and darts out the front door. Maryam beams with love, and watches him go.)
Act 4.
(Mullah Camden sits in a local hash bar with an anonymous neighbor, sharing a hookah.)
MULLAH CAMDEN: So I said it three times: it's official. She was a good wife, may Allah's favor be bestowed unto her, but she HAD had seven children, after all.
NEIGHBOR: Blessings on your house for its fecundity!
MULLAH CAMDEN: All praise to Allah. But after the twins it wasn't the same, between a man and a woman, you understand. It's time for a change. She will find her path. Taking Suleyman and Rahi with her will make her a good beggar, inspiring almsgivers. And I no longer suffer those two brats questioning Allah's will.
NEIGHBOR: But Mullah Camden, it is not good that a man should be alone! Who will raise the children, and cook and clean and sew, so that your brow will be unfurrowed?
MULLAH CAMDEN: In my family, there will always be furrows.
Act 5.
(In a bedroom, the SISTER SISTER girls are surrounded by stacks of luggage.)
TIA: Oh my God this house is HUGE!
TAMARA: This is SO COOL! A whole new country to see! I can't wait to explore our African heritage!
TIA: Tamara, we're not in Africa.
TAMARA: But we're CLOSE!
TIA: Imagine how many unbelievers we can lead to Jesus here!
TAMARA: Did you see all those BOYS out there with their BIG GUNS?
TIA: I don't understand how they can let children walk around with guns! But they ARE cute.
(Malik enters, limping, scowling.)
MALIK: Salaam alaikum, honored wives of my father! I am Malik. My father and I will protect you. To be safe in your new land, you will never leave this house without our permission or without our escort. (Malik throws two heavy, sacklike burkhas on a bed.) "You must put these on even inside, as we often have guests. I will guard you outside while you change. When you are decent, knock on the door and I will take you to the kitchen. If either of you are suffering your monthly pollution, please tell my sister Maryam, and she will make arrangements for your isolation and cleansing. Wasalaam."
(Malik exits, slams door shut.)
TIA and TAMARA: Uh-oh.
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