To: DOUG H who wrote (192233 ) 10/15/2001 9:25:25 PM From: Walkingshadow Respond to Hey Doug, smartlink.net Tu-Cows Political Theory The "Two Cow Explanation" of... A Republican: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what? You tell your neighbor the milk will trickle down to him someday if he works harder on your farm and doesn't interfere with your right to make a profit.A Democrat: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. After years of angst and intensive psychotherapy, tree-hugging, grass-munching and group touchie-feelie, you vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel noble but continue therapy, tree-hugging, and grass munching anyway.A Socialist: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.A Communist: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with chronically insufficient amounts of milk.A Fascist: You have two cows. The government sizes both and sells you the milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage and counter-revolution.Democracy, American Style: You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow that he doesn't know how to milk. The cow was a gift from your government. Your government uses your tax money to send him additional cows. Capitalism, American Style: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.Beauracracy, American Style: You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk down the drain. The government increases taxes to hire inspectors to oversee the pouring of the milk down the drain, to draw up regulations governing milk pouring, to enforce those regulations, and to write reports about the milk pouring. The government hires consultants to write reports concerning improved methods of pouring milk down drains, and builds buildings to administer and manage milk pouring and send reports to the newly-created Senate Subcommittee on Milk Pouring.An American Corporation: You have two cows. You sell one, use half the profits to contribute to political campaigns, and keep the other half. You force the remaining cow to produce the milk of four cows on half his usual feed. You blame the government when the cow drops dead. The government bails you out and buys you two cows at taxpayer expense, citing national security concerns. You repeat the process.A French Corporation: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.A French Corporation during wartime: You have two cows. A stray cow wanders into town, and your cows surrender to it.A Japanese Corporation: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You borrow money equal to 100 times the cows' worth, and blame the government when your corporation fails.A German Corporation: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves according to a precise schedule.An Italian Corporation: You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You argue all morning about it. You break for lunch.A Russian Corporation: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka. You tell the government you have 100 cows. The government tells the people you have 200 cows. Everybody stops worrying about how many cows there are and opens another bottle of vodka.A Mexican Corporation: You think you have two cows, but you don't know what a cow looks like. You take a nap.A Swiss Corporation: You have 5000 cows, none of which belongs to you. You charge for storing them for others.An Islamic Fundamentalist Corporation: You have two cows, given to you directly from Allah. You dress them in robes and cover everything but their eyes. You forbid women to drink their milk. You make them face east. You teach them to run into the side of the barn for the glory of Allah. You are upset when they kill themselves doing so and can no longer provide milk. You blame America for your lack of milk.An Indian Corporation: You have two cows. You worship them.<8-o
