September 11, 2001 at 8:00am:
The President's
World-Stat rings, Chairman
Arafat is on the phone.
Arafat: Mr. President I would like to offer my condolences for the total destruction of the World Trade Center.
Bush: What are you talking about?
Arafat: I mean all the destruction and all the innocent civilians that are dead.
Bush: I really don't know what you are talking about.
There is dead silence and then....
Arafat: Oh!! We are seven hours apart now, not six!! OOPS!
A son and his dad are taking a walk in new york on a beautiful spring day in 2021. They stroll down to where ''ground zero'' was 20 years earlier.
''Son, this is where the World Trade Center used to be",- dad says to his young son.
The son replies ''Dad, what was the World Trade Center?"
Dad answers: ''This is where Arabs crashed the planes into the 2 World Trade Center office buildings''.
The young son asks: ''Dad, what were the Arabs?"
Arafat, Sharon, a beautiful girl and an old woman are sitting in a train. The train suddenly goes thru a tunnel and .... it gets completely dark. Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a slap! The train comes out of the tunnel. The woman and Sharon are sitting there looking perplexed. Arafat is bent over holding his face which is red from an apparent slap.
The old woman is thinking : "Arafat must have tried to kiss that girl and has been slapped. "
Arafat is thinking : "Damn it, Sharon must have tried to kiss the girl, she thought it was me and slapped me."
The girl is thinking : "Arafat must have moved to kiss me, and kissed Sharon instead and got slapped."
Sharon is thinking, "If this train goes through another tunnel, I could make another kissing sound and slap Arafat again."
--
At the Russian War College, the general is a guest lecturer and tells the class of officers that the session will focus on potential problems and the resulting strategies. One of the officers in the class begins by asking the first question, "Will we have to fight in a World War Three?"
"Yes, comrades, look's like you will," answers the general.
"And who will be our enemy, Comrade General?" another officer asks.
"The likelihood is that it will be China."
The class looks alarmed, and finally one officer asks, "But Comrade
General, we are 150 million people and they are about 1.5 billion.
How can we possibly win?"
"Well," replies the general, "Think about it. In modern war, it is not the quantity, but the quality that is the key. For example, in
the Middle East, 5 million Jews fight against 50 million Arabs, and the Jews have been the winners every time."
"But sir," asks the panicky officer, "Do we have enough Jews?"
--
Crazed Palestinian Gunman Angered By Stereotypes
HEBRON, WEST BANK--In an emotionally charged press conference Monday, crazed Palestinian gunman Faisal al Hamad expressed frustration over the stereotyping of his people.
Above: Faisal al Hamad, seen here shrieking anti-U.S. slogans, says that "not every crazed Palestinian gunman is exactly alike."
"As a crazed Palestinian gunman, I feel hurt by the negative portrayal of my people in the media," said al Hamad, 31, a Hebron-area
terrorist maniac. "None of us should have to live with stereotyping and ignorance."
He then began screaming and firing into a busload of Israeli schoolchildren.
"It hurts that in this supposedly enlightened day and age, people still make assumptions about other people," al Hamad said. "We should not rely on simple generalizations. Each crazed Palestinian gunman is an individual."
Al Hamad said that he himself has often been unfairly stereotyped. "Any time I enter a crowded temple with fully loaded AK-47s in both hands, people just assume I'm going to open fire," he said. "That really hurts."
"Yes, I sometimes do gun people down in the name of the One True God," he noted. "But there is so much more to me."
Several weeks ago, al Hamad was again the victim of stereotyping during a vacation he took with his family to Washington, D.C.
"When we arrived at the airport in Washington, security guards detained us for more than 12 hours, just because I had 140 pounds of plastic explosives strapped to my chest," al Hamad said. "Do you think they would have called the FBI if I weren't a crazed Palestinian who's on their Ten Most Wanted List? I don't think so."
Al Hamad said his vacation was ruined when federal agents seized a crate of chemical weapons he had brought into the U.S. as a gift for a friend in New York.
"I explained to them that the weapons were a birthday present for the blind cleric Sayid al Farouq, a good friend of mine from high school," he said. "But they did not believe me and took me into federal custody for nine weeks. Again, it's a case of people jumping to conclusions on the basis of skin color. And that can be very frustrating."
Above: When this truck blew up in Jerusalem on Yom Kippur last year, Israeli officials suspected PLO involvement. "That really hurt that they would just think that right off the bat," al Hamad said. According to al Hamad, stereotypes against crazed Palestinian gunmen don't work because they don't take into account the vast variety of proud histories and diverse cultures among them.
"There are so many different kinds of crazed Palestinian gunmen. Each of us has our own unique reasons and motivations for our bus bombings and suicide missions," he said. "No two fundamentalist agendas are alike."
Al Hamad also stressed the importance of understanding and celebrating the cultural differences between crazed Palestinian gunmen and non-crazed, non-Palestinian non-gunmen.
"All the different peoples of the world have something special to offer each other," he said. "Our diversity is our greatest strength. Let's not make a weakness out of that strength."
To emphasize his point, al Hamad fired into a crowd, killing nine.
"I'm proud to be a crazed Palestinian gunman, obviously," he said in between shouts of anti-imperialist slogans. "But I'm an individual first. I'm me. Die, Yankee infidel pig swine!"
--
1. Why did the great warriors Shimon and Levi (sons of Jacob inthe Bible) feel that they needed to first circumcise the inhabitants of Shechem before massacring them. (The Bible explains that Shimon and Levi, retaliated against the inhabitants of Shechem, annihilating them, after the King of Shechem raped their sister Dina.
In Genesis 34, the story is told that Shimon and Levi tricked Shechem and told them that they would give them the girls of Jacob, and take their daughters becoming one nation, if the inhabitants of Shechem would get a bris - circumcision. After the mass circumcision surgery, the brothers attacked the city and wiped them out).
A wise Rabbi asked why did they have to "make them Jewish" with the circumcision before killing them. He answered: Because Jacobs children did not want to upset world opinion. Could you imagine the public out cry if the sons of Jacob would have massacred a whole city of Goyim? Now, that the victims could be confused as Jews, after their circumcision, who cares if a few Jews are killed?
2 .Answer to Anti-semites........
The wonderful comic, Sam Levinson, had a great answer to anti-Semites: "It's a free world and you don't have to like Jews, but if you DON'T, I suggest that you boycott certain Jewish products, like .....
The Wasserman Test for syphilis, Digitalis, discovered by Doctor Nuslin, Insulin, discovered by Doctor Minofsky, Chloral Hydrate, discovered by Doctor Lifreich, The Schick Test for Diphtheria, Vitamins, discovered by Doctor Funk, Streptomycin, discovered by Doctor Woronan, The Polio Pill by Doctor Sabin, and the Polio Vaccine by Doctor Jonas Salk....
Go on, boycott! Humanitarian consistency requires that my people offer all these gifts to all people of the world. Fanatic consistency requires that all bigots accept Syphilis, Diabetes, Convulsions, Malnutrition, Polio and Tuberculosis as a matter of principal.
You want to be mad at us? Be mad at us! But I'm telling you, you ain't going to feel so good..."
Arafat's jokes
1. Yasser Arafat, not feeling well and concerned about his mortality, goes to consult a psychic about the date of his death. Closing her eyes and silently reaching into the realm of the future she finds the answer: "You will die on a Jewish holiday." "Which one?'" Arafat asks nervously. "It doesn't matter," answers the psychic. "Whatever day you die, it'll be a Jewish holiday."
2. 1. Saddam Hussein is visiting a school in the Palestinian areas, to see how his favorite ally is prospering from all his support. In one class, he asks the students for an example of a "tragedy". One little boy stands up and says: "If my best friend who lives next door was playing in the street when a car came along and killed him, that would be a tragedy." "No," Hussein says, "That would be an ACCIDENT". A girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying fifty Palestinian children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved, that would be a tragedy." "Not exactly, " explains Hussein, "but it is what we would call a GREAT LOSS." The room is silent; no more children volunteer. "What?" asks Hussein. "Is there no one here who can give me an example of a tragedy?" Finally a boy in the back raises his hand. "If an airplane carrying Yassar Arafat were blown up by a bomb, *that* would be a tragedy." "Wonderful!" Hussein beams. "Marvellous! And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?" "Well, it's the only choice left," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an ACCIDENT, and it certainly would be no GREAT LOSS!"
3. The Arafat Muppet Conspiracy: It has been known for quite some time that Yasser Arafat is not human at all, but actually a muppet created by the late Jim Henson. As no one would want to be the leader of the PLO, the U.S. Government enlisted the help of Henson Studios to create a "muppet dictator". The rumor must be true, because we never see Arafat in an interview from the waist down, and when we do, he is sitting in an overstuffed chair the right size to hide a puppeteer.
4. One day Tom Thumb, Snow White, and Quasimodo are sitting around in heaven talking. All of a sudden Tom Thumb says, "How can I know that I still hold the record as the world's smallest man back on earth?" Then Snow White says, "How do I know I'm still the lovliest of them all? Perhaps there is a new story about someone more beautiful than me!" Quasimodo then muses, "At least I was known as the ugliest man who ever lived. Maybe no one remembers me either!" And they all sink into depression. So they decide to make an appointment with the angel in charge of Current Earth Events clear up their worries. After Tom Thumb's conference, he comes out smiling and says, "It's all right, I am still the world's smallest man." Snow White leaves the chamber smiling also, "It's ok," she says, "I am still the fairest of them all". Quasimodo comes out of his conference scratching his head and looking upset. He looks at the others and asks, "Who in the world is Yasser Arafat?"
5. Yasser Arafat finally gets tired of everyone accusing his government of not being democratic. He arranges a secret conference with George W. to find out how he can run a real democracy. "Well," says Bush, "First thing you have to do is make sure all the people in your government understand their roots. You give them a simple test, like this." He calls in Colin Powell. "Colin," he says, "Who is the child of your father and your mother, but is not your brother or your sister?" Powell answers, "That's simple - me." Bush then turns to Arafat in triumph, "See? Anyone who can't answer that is not fit to govern." Arafat, much inspired, gathers his advisors together and announces he is about to overhaul his government by giving them a little test. The PA advisors all look at him and then at one another. Arafat then pops the question President Bush taught him: "Who is the child of your father and your mother, but is not your brother or your sister?" He points to several in turn around the table, and they each stare at him blankly, afraid that whatever answer they give will be the wrong one. After a few minutes, Hanan Ashrawi, the last one he pointed at, leans over to the one sitting next to her, who happens to be Ahmed Tibi, and whispers, "Do you know?" Tibi whispers back, "Yes, I heard about this at Camp David - it's a stupid riddle that the Americans pull on everyone in their cabinet. You're supposed to answer, 'me'." Ashrawi immediately raises her hand and says, "The answer is 'Ahmed Tibi'." Arafat finally loses patience and shouts: "Are you all idiots like this one?! The answer is 'Colin Powell'!!"
6. Why does Arafat refuse to set foot in any gardens or parks in the PA areas nowadays? - He heard that they're all part of a big Zionist plot.
7. Arafat is arguing with Sharon and Bush about what it means to have a democracy. He is especially offended by their complaints that he does not allow freedom of speech in the PA. "Let me give you an example," says Sharon patiently. "My own government ministers can call me names without getting into trouble." Bush adds, "And Congress can criticize me whenever they see fit." Arafat says smugly, "Ha - I run a more democratic government than either of you. In the Palestinian Authority, I let them call Ariel Sharon names AND criticize the American President!"
8. Arafat and Ahmed Tibi are attending a series of Camp David summit meetings with the Americans, and this morning all are awaiting the arrival of the President. Suddenly Tibi leans over and whispers to Arafat: "Yasser, this is a crucial meeting - you need to really mind your manners here. Didn't you fart yesterday when the President entered the room?" "No," says Arafat, "But I'll do my best to time it right today."
9. Arafat has gotten paranoid about his health lately, and has ordered his doctors to give him every test known to medical science to make sure he doesn't have some terminal disease. After a long while, they tell him he has been tested for everything they have ever heard of, but he doesn't believe them. So, knowing how good the Jews are in health care, he sends his secret police to go spy on the Jewish communities for a while to see what kinds of tests they run on their own people. The security chief finally reports back: "Well, there's one in particular that the Jews seem to think is very important - it's called an IQ test." Immediately Arafat arranges to have himself tested, and is very relieved when they tell him that the results were negative.
10. Colin Powell and George W Bush come to visit the PA and Arafat takes them up in his plane for an airborne tour of his areas. As they fly over Ramallah, Powell can see a school below. "I want to help the Palestinian schoolchildren," he announces --and opening the window, he throws out a sack of money. A few minutes later they're flying over a Gaza hospital, and Bush suddenly says, "I want to help the Palestinians who are sick" -- and he also throws a sack of money out the window. Then Bush says to Powell, "You know, Colin, we should really do something to help ALL the Palestinian people." Powell says, "You're right, Mr. President" -- and they both grab Arafat and throw him out the window.
11. NEW YORK, NY--Palestinian President Yasser Arafat visited the office of Major League Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig today in an effort to recruit big league pitchers to join the cause of the Palestinian people. Arafat has long marvelled at the throwing speed and accuracy of baseball's finest; sources close to the Palestinian leader have heard him apoplectically utter, "If my people could throw stones like that, I’m sure we could easily drive the Israeli army out of Palestine."
12. Rumor has it that Arafat is looking to set up an ad hoc pitching camp in Lebanon where pitchers from Major League Baseball would train young Palestinians the art of throwing. "We’re a nation of soccer players," explained one official close to the President. "You can see on the evening news that we can’t throw stones worth shit. It’s pathetic. It’s no wonder that our stone-throwing can’t defeat the best-equipped army in the region. But with a little coaching--oy vey! Won’t the Israelis be surprised."
13. The strategy has won the support of the Arab League of Nations, who have long suspected that rock throwers with "serious heat" would provide a tactical advantage against Israel’s hodge-podge force of tanks and missiles and armored infantry. A spokesman for the Israeli Army voiced concern over the matter, stating that "if the Palestinians learn to accurately throw curves, knucklers, and even some off-speed pitches, they might make a game of it."
14. Always open to the possibility of expansion franchises in foreign markets, Selig is said to be seriously considering the idea, though a spokesman for the commissioner warned that no agreement would be reached without the consent of United Nations Secretary-General Kofi Annan. Annan, in keeping with his attempts to "umpire" the mideast conflict, has turned a blind eye on this matter.
15. Everyone says Arafat must be a horrible person with no human feelings, but his deputies in the PA have evidence to the contrary. They say he has
the heart of a young, innocent child. It's sitting in a jar on his desk.
16. A bearded man, obviously a Hamas member, and his son enter the office of the PA. They see a photo of Arafat on the wall, and the son asks: 'Isn't this the guy you are always cursing, Dad?' The father then says very loudly: 'Whose kid is this?'
17. Prime Minister Ariel Sharon phones Arafat and asks why he can't stop the violence, to which Arafat replies: 'Stop the violence? I can't even stop my lips from moving.' |
