I found a better version here...
We are getting back to normal. We're doing so with a new sense of awareness. And the (FBI) warning that went out today helped to heighten that sense of awareness." — President George W. Bush, Oct. 12, 2001
AMERICANS FINALLY GETTING BACK TO HIGHLY ALERT STATE OF NORMAL
Everything's Just As It Was, Except for the Bit About Dying at Any Moment
New Orleans, La. (SatireWire.com) — Willfully setting aside war and uncertainty, Americans are following the government's advice and resuming their normal routines: going to work, taking the kids to soccer practice, wearing rubber gloves and gas masks while opening their mail, having friends over for dinner.
Standing in the checkout line of a local Wal-Mart, 28-year-old New Orleans resident Christine Nemey said she was doing her part. "The President said we need to fight terrorism by going on with our lives, so I'm doing what I've done every week since I was 16, buying a new pair of shoes," she said. "Although these aren't technically 'shoes.' These are technically 16,000 gallons of bottled water."
Elsewhere in the nation, normality was manifest. In New York, 56,000 baseball fans sat on the edges of their seats as they watched the Yankees-Oakland playoff game and the dark-skinned pretzel vendor with the beard working Section 7. In Delaware, moviegoers said they had no trouble losing themselves in the comedy "Bandits" after first calculating exactly how long it would take them to reach the nearest exit, just in case they might need to do that.
And in Ogden, Utah, Toyota salesman Neal Gersimme was having a self-described typical day. "Let's see, I almost sold a new Sienna minivan, I had lunch at Wendy's with a couple of the guys, and I nearly wet my pants when I heard this big boom that turned out to be just a passing thunderstorm," he said. "Same old same old, really."
Added Carolyn Johnson of Seattle, who had just come off a Southwest Airlines flight from Chicago: "I'm not saying we should pretend nothing happened, but I agree with the National Guardsman with the M-16 who ordered me to freeze when my earrings set off the metal detector — the best thing we can do is to go on as if everything's normal."
Copyright © 2001, SatireWire.
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And a couple of other lovely pieces...
According to some moderates in the area, however, much of the blame for disregarding the peaceful majority should fall on the Western news media, which they say is only interested in filming chaotic protests.
"The reporters want to see blood in the streets, they want to see the crazy people," said an Egyptian college student. "Why don't they come into our homes and film us just watching television, not doing or saying anything contentious? Yes, there are a few thousand people out there chanting and burning flags and shooting guns, but there are millions of us not doing anything."
Asked why the moderates are not out there doing anything, the man frowned.
"Perhaps you didn't hear the part where I said they're shooting guns," he answered.
satirewire.com
And more, in the best possible taste...
SPAMTHRAX — CONTRACTING ANTHRAX VIA EMAIL
Also Information on Net Evacuation, Bayer's Production of e-Cipro
Washington, D.C. (SatireWire.com) — The FBI today did not issue an alert for electronically disseminated anthrax, also known as "spamthrax," because anthrax cannot be propagated through email. However, that will likely not stop panic-stricken thousands, who freaked after viewing the headline above, from spreading a rumor that the Internet has been evacuated.
Fearing infection, many of these same people have already warned friends and colleagues not to open email attachments. Others, meanwhile, shut down their computers before reading even this far, and as a result they will not see the following paragraphs explaining that there is no such thing as spamthrax.
"Spamthrax? What the hell is spamthrax?" asked David Kalidis, spokesman for anti-virus software maker Symantec. "No, there is no such thing as spamthrax, so no, we will not be offering an update to address it. Who would fall for that, anyway?"
Kalidis was reminded that hundreds of thousands of people clicked on attachments that actually contained the Anna Kournikova worm.
"OK, who other than them?" Kaladis said.
...
satirewire.com
OK, so the Onion wasn't so funny this week <g>
<edit> and check the 'briefs' archive too :) |
