friday's funnies and FWIW...i just got out of the hospital last night...my illness is due to gall stones. sometime in the next 2 weeks or so i'll have surgery. if i pass another stone the surgery could come at any time or will have a scheduled operation after my doc appointment next thursday. so if you don't hear from me i'll be sidelined...now on with this weeks edition...;-))
Although he was a qualified meteorologist, Hopkins ran up a terrible
record of forecasting for the TV news program. He became something of a local joke when a newspaper began keeping a record of his predictions and showed that he'd been wrong almost three hundred times in a single year. That kind of notoriety was enough to get him fired. He moved to another part of the country and applied for a similar job. One blank space on the job application asked was the reason for leaving his previous position. Hopkins wrote, "The climate didn't agree with me."
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At a hastily called news conference this morning, Taliban Minister of Emigration, Mohammed Omar, warned the United States that if military action continues against Afghanistan, Taliban authorities would not hesitate to cut off America's supply of convenience store managers.
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HOW TO ANNOY OSAMA BIN LADEN
-Pause for a moment, listen carefully, and say, "Doesn't that sound a lot like a B-52?"
-Use his satellite phone to call the time and weather line in Buenos Aires and leave it on.
-Tell him how much less you paid for your Kalashnikov rifle.
-Correct him when he ends a sentence with a preposition.
-Ask whether the Taliban gets cable, because you haven't seen "Sex and the City" for weeks.
-Mine his bathroom.
-Ask him if Paradise is different for each person, and whether in your own paradise you'll get to "kick his ass every day for eternity".
-Ask whether suicide bombers have to pay union dues.
-Tell him it's lovely what he's done with his cave, but that it'd look much nicer covered with huge, smoking craters.
-Swirl your drink thoughtfully and mention, "Just think, in a few weeks you might fit in this glass!"
-Play a game of Monopoly with him. Make him use the thimble piece. See if he charges interest. Claim that his properties are your "holy lands" and blow up his hotels...
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The problem with political jokes is they get elected.
-- Henry Cate VII
...An old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The
local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the
cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail a few feet in front of the sheriff. "Howdy, stranger." "Howdy, Sheriff." The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of the horse, lifted his tail and placed a big kiss where the sun don't shine. He dropped the horse's tail, stepped up on the walk, and aimed towards the swing doors of the saloon. "Hold on there, Mister," said the Sheriff. "Did I just see what I think I saw?" "Reckon you did, Sheriff. I got me some powerful chapped lips." "And does that cure 'em?" the Sheriff asked. "Nope, but it sure keeps me from lickin' 'em." ...rolling on the floor...
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A young blonde girl goes to the doctor for a physical. The doctor puts his stethoscope up to the girl's chest and says, "Big breaths." The girl replies, "Yeth and I'm not even thixteen."
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Two military policemen were chasing a draftee who was fleeing from the military base. The draftee ran into the courtyard of a convent. He saw a nun seated on a round bench beneath a tree, quietly reading a book. He said to her, "Quick sister, please hide me. I don't want to be drafted and the M.P.'s are chasing me!" She lifted up her skirt and said, "Quick hide under here." The two policemen came by and asked if she had seen anyone. She replied, "No." After they left she told the young boy to come out and that everything was going to be OK. He thanked her and said, "You have a nice set of legs for a nun!" She replied, "If you reach up a little farther you'll find more than that. I'm not going to be drafted either!"
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Excuses for missing work:
...I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.
...My stigmata's acting up.
...I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?
...I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet...
...I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.
...Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Bears, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.
...I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.
...The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.
...The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.
...I prefer to remain an enigma.
...My stepmother has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.
...I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.
...I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.
...I refuse to travel to my job until there is a commuter tax.
...I insist on paying my fair share.
...I've used up all my sick days...so I'm calling in dead!
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and finally...
A New Yorker was forced to take a day off from work to
appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly
restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case
to be heard.
When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood
before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned
for the rest of the afternoon and he would have to return
the next day.
"What for?!?!?" he snapped at the judge.
His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query,
roared out loud:
"Twenty dollars contempt of court! That's why!"
Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge
relented: "That's all right. You don't have to pay now."
The young man replied, "I know. I'm just seeing if I have
enough for two more words."
have a wonderful weekend...
good fortune...
pops |
