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Politics : PRESIDENT GEORGE W. BUSH -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?


To: Jumper who wrote (200605)11/6/2001 9:58:22 PM
From: gao seng  Respond to of 769670
 
Proposed programming for the "Fear Channel"

John Ziegler

newsandopinion.com -- IN an effort to cut costs in a
sagging advertising market and best take advantage of the
current social climate in time for the November sweeps "rating"
period, the major television networks have decided to combine
their resources to create a new 24-hour cable news channel.
ABC, NBC, CBS, Fox, and CNN have come together to construct the
"Fear Channel," which promises to provide viewers with instant
access to the latest news relating to the war on terrorism.

The following is a sample day of programming for the "Fear
Channel," which, appropriately, plans to begin broadcasting
now, just after Halloween.

5:00AM-9:00AM "You Might Die Today." Wake up each morning with
news that will make you wonder how you and your family ever
made it through yesterday and will prepare you for all the many
potential pitfalls of today. Learn about all the new dangers
that experts are imagining before your neighbors do! You'll
never again drink that coffee or eat that pastry without
wondering what peril lies inside them!

9AM-NOON "Brainstorming with a Terrorist." Ever wonder where
terrorist's get their ideas? Worried about how they might
strike next? Watch as industry experts provide detailed
descriptions of where they think our nation is most vulnerable
to attack. Planned features include, "How best to attack a
nuclear power plant," "The most efficient way to weaponize
anthrax," "How the United States is completely unprepared for
an outbreak of smallpox," and "Where a terrorist could most
easily contaminate our food and water supply."

NOON-2:00PM "Aviation Watch." Starting to feel like it is safe
to fly again? This show, hosted by former Transportation
Department Inspector and current industry watchdog Mary
Schiavo, will remind you just how easy it still is to sabotage
a commercial airliner. Join us as our reporters get past
airport security with all sorts of instruments that could
conceivably frighten an unprepared flight attendant, and find
out just how few flights really do have an armed Marshall on
them (and how to tell if yours doesn't!). Special guests will
include former airline workers still feeling bitter towards
their old employers.

3:00pm-4:00pm "Countdown to Depression." This program is your
source on all of the negative economic news, either real or
imagined, that the day has produced. If consumer confidence
wasn't down already, wait until our show is over!

4:00PM-6:00PM "News that Wasn't." Find out what news stories
could have happened, but didn't. Here our reports will focus on
hoaxes, rumors, and urban legends that you don't really need to
hear, but are just too juicy for us to resist telling you.

6:00PM-6:02PM "War Report." This two-minute update will tell
you all you need to know about how the U.S. military effort in
Afghanistan is progressing. Special emphasis will be given to
all the things that either have already gone wrong, or at least
could eventually,

6:02PM-8:00PM "Going Postal." Live from Trenton, New Jersey
this program tracks down all of the day's anthrax related news.
Martha Stewart shows you the most tactful way to open your mail
in front of company, while Tom Brokaw and Dan Rather debate
each other on the merits of taking Cipro. Each night a
different celebrity will be profiled on the way they are
handling their fan mail.

8:00PM-9:00PM "Armchair Administration." Think George W. Bush's
job isn't tough enough? Join us as people no longer in power
who have never faced similar circumstances second-guess all the
days' major decisions and rationalize how we got into this
situation in the first place. Madeline Albright and Bill
Clinton co-host.

9:00PM-10:00PM "America Cowers." Learn about all of the events
and plans that were delayed, restricted, disrupted, postponed,
or cancelled because of fears of Terrorism that turned out to
be unfounded.

11:00PM-MIDNIGHT "You Could Die Tomorrow." Don't get that good
night's sleep until you have heard all of the unsubstantiated
conjecture about what horrible things might happen to you
when/if you wake up.

MIDNIGHT-2:00AM "Late Night With Osama." Live updates from
Afghanistan will include up close and personal profiles on the
terrorists we are after. This show tries to help you understand
why they hate us so much and see the conflict from their
perspective. Each night this program will showcase a list of
the "Top Ten Reasons we will never catch bin Laden."

2:00AM-3:00AM "Crisis in Confidence." A round table of media
pundits discuss the mystery of why it is that so many Americans
seem to be losing their nerve.

3:00AM-5:00AM "The Way Things Were." Spend the rest of the
night reminiscing about the way America used to be as we report
on all the good things about our country that existed before
September 11th and are now gone forever.