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Pastimes : Clown-Free Zone... sorry, no clowns allowed -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Les H who wrote (137278)	12/5/2001 1:49:27 PM
From: Petrol	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 436258

theonion.com In these times of economic uncertainty, investing wisely is more important than ever. Here are some tips to help you improve your portfolio: Invest everything in Morton Salt, then run around screaming, "The Slug-men are coming! The Slug-men are coming!" Before choosing a brokerage firm, carefully study the TV commercials of several firms. Go with the one with the most impressive ads. When your stock begins to drop, gesticulate wildly to coax it back in the right direction. (Note: Also works in bowling.) Instead of investing in stocks, why not invest your time and energy in your community? You will reap dividends far more precious than wealth. Stock-market losses are only losses on paper. Use Wite-Out to your advantage. Keep a close eye on Dan Aykroyd and Eddie Murphy. They may try to outfox you and your cold-hearted brother. Wait until stocks are just about to soar in value, then buy lots of them. When they've gone as high as they're going to go, sell them all. Take your screeching trophy wife's advice: Invest all your money in designer handbags. If at all possible, start out with $80 million. This will reduce both the pressure on you and the risks involved. Ask your company if it offers an employee stock plan. If it doesn't, consider working for a different gas station. Diversify your portfolio with some colored yarn or pictures clipped from magazines. Go to a financial advisor and act as if you understand and are carefully weighing what they say, then blindly do whatever they tell you. Invest in your friends' band. They rock. When examining the balance sheet of a corporation, a good sign of health is an assets-to-liabilities ratio of two to one. Then again, if you understand that, you're probably a rich prick who doesn't need any more money.

To: Les H who wrote (137278)	12/5/2001 1:51:07 PM
From: patron_anejo_por_favor	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 436258

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