Old Clinton Jokes
Clinton Jokes
An official Gallup survey polled over 1000 women with the question:
Would you sleep with Bill Clinton?
1% said, "No"
2% said, "Yes"
97% said, "Never Again"
President Clinton looks up from his desk in the Oval Office to see one of his aides nervously approach him.
"What is it?" exclaims the President.
"It's the Abortion Bill, Mr. President -- what do you want to do about it?"
"Just go ahead and pay it."
Clinton And The Pope At The Pearly Gates
Bill Clinton and the Pope died on the same day, and due to an administrative foul up, Clinton was sent to heaven and the Pope was sent to hell.
The Pope explained the situation to the devil, who checked out all of the paperwork, and the error was acknowledged. The Pope was told, however, that it would take about 24 hours to fix the problem and correct the error.
The next day, the Pope was called in and the devil said his good-bye to the Pope as he went off to heaven.
On his way up, the Pope met Clinton who was on his way down, and they stopped to chat.
Pope: Sorry about the mix up.
Clinton: No problem!
Pope: Well, I'm really excited about going to heaven.
Clinton: Why is that? It's not that great.
Pope: All my life I've wanted to meet the Virgin Mary.
Clinton: Sorry, your Holiness -- but you're about a day late.
President Clinton's Lawn
President Clinton wakes up to a beautiful winter morning. The sun is shining, the air is crisp, and there is a light blanket of snow on the ground. He stretches and goes to look out the window at the snow-covered WhiteHouse lawn and sees the words "President Clinton sucks" written in pee in the snow. Clinton gets all upset and calls White House Security. He tells them he doesn't care what it takes but he wants to know who did this.
The Chief of Security returns in a couple of days to the President and tells him that he has good news, bad news, and real bad news.
"OK," says Clinton, "give me the good news first, then the bad news, and then the real bad news."
The Chief says: "The good news is after taking analysis of the pee, we know who the culprit is."
Clinton nods and the Chief continues: "The bad news is the culprit is Vice President Gore."
This really upsets the President, but he controls his anger and asks the Chief to tell him the real bad news.
The Chief of Security swallows and says, "It's in Hilary's hand writing".
Bill and Hillary are at the first baseball game of the season. The umpire walks up to the VIP section and yells something, and suddenly Clinton grabs Hillary by the collar and throws her over the side and onto the field. The stunned umpired shouted,"No, Mr. President! I said, `Throw the first "Pitch."
Bill, Hillary, And Al in an Airplane Crash
Bill, Hillary, and Al were in an airplane that, unfortunately, crashed. Now they're up in Heaven, and God's sitting on the great, white throne.
God addresses Al first. "Al, what do you believe in?"
Al replies, "Well, I believe that the combustion engine is evil and that we need to save the world from CFCs and that if anymore freon is used, the whole earth will become a greenhouse and we'll all die."
God thinks for a second and says, "Okay, I can live with that. Come and sit at my left."
God then addresses Bill: "Bill, what do you believe in?"
Bill replies, "Well, I believe in power to the people. I think people should be able to make their own choices about things and that no one should ever be able to tell someone else what to do. I also believe in feeling people's pain."
God thinks for a second and says, "Okay, that sounds good. Come and sit at my right."
God then address Hillary. "Hillary, what do you believe in?"
Hillary replies, "I believe you're in my chair."
Bill and Hillary are at a restaurant. The waiter tells them tonight's special is chicken almondine and fresh fish. "The chicken sounds good, I'll have that," Hillary says. The waiter nods: "And the vegetable?" he asks. "Oh, HE'll have the fish," Hillary replies.
Clinton returns from a vacation in Arkansas and walks down the steps of Air Force One with two pigs under his arms. At the bottom of the steps, the honor guardsman steps forward and remarks, "Nice pigs, Mr. President"
Clinton replies, "I'll have to let you know that these are genuine Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got this one for Chelsea and this one for Hillary..
So, now what do you think?"
The honor guardsman answers: "Nice trade, Sir."
The Cruise
Carter, Nixon & Clinton are together on a cruise ship that hits an iceberg and starts to sink. Carter runs to the life boats yelling "Women and children first!" Nixon is behind him yelling "Screw the women and children!" And Clinton is behind Nixon asking"do you think we have time?
Saddam Hussein and Bill Clinton meet up in Baghdad for the first round of talks in a new peace process. When Bill sits down, he notices three buttons on the side of Saddam's chair.
They begin talking. After about five minutes Saddam presses the first button. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches Clinton in the face.
Confused, Clinton carries on talking as Saddam laughs. A few minutes later the second button is pressed. This time a big boot comes out and kicks Clinton in the shin. Again Saddam laughs, and again Clinton carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue of peace between the two countries.
But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks Clinton in the privates, he's finally had enough, knowing that he can't do much without them functioning well.
"I'm going back home!" he tells the Iraqi. "We'll finish these talks in two weeks!"
A fortnight passes and Saddam flies to the United States for talks. As the two men sit down, Hussein notices three buttons on Clinton's chair and prepares himself for the Yank's revenge.
They begin talking and Bill presses the first button. Saddam ducks, but nothing happens. Clinton snickers. A few seconds later he presses the second button. Saddam jumps up, but again nothing happens. Clinton roars with laughter. When the third button is pressed, Saddam jumps up again, and again nothing happens.
Clinton falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics.
"Forget this," says Saddam. "I'm going back to Baghdad!"
Clinton says through tears of laughter, "What Baghdad?"
Making People Happy
Al Gore and the Clintons are flying on Air Force One. Bill looks at Al, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a $10,000 bill out the window right now and make one person very happy.
Al shrugs his stiff shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $1,000 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy".
Hillary tosses her perfectly sprayed hair and says, "Of course, then, I could throw one-hundred $100 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy.
Chelsea rolls her eyes, looks at all of them and says, "I could throw all of you out the window and make the whole country happy."
Bad News
A presidential staff advisor walks into the daily meeting a little late and notices that everyone has a glum look on their face, some even look a little frightened and Clinton isn't in the room.
"What's the matter" he asked
"Well, we had some bad news, and just got some even worse news"
"What's the bad news?"
"India has detonated some atomic weapons at their underground test site; Pakistan has done the same at their proving area; and China is warning them both that this could lead to regional war, that may go nuclear."
"Oh my God, what could be worse than that?"
"Well, Bill just got hold of some Viagra"
What's a Tragedy?
One day Clinton is going to give a speech at an Elementary School. He asks the teacher what the children are studying and she replies that they are learning about Greek Tragedies. So the President decides to talk about Tragedies.
He asks a student, "What would you consider to be a tragedy?"
The kid thinks for awhile and then says, " If a boy is running after a ball into a street and gets run over by a car and dies."
Clinton responds, "No, I don't think that's a tragedy... that's an accident."
Then Clinton asks another kid to give an example of a tragedy. The kid says, "If a bus full of kids drives over a cliff and they all die." This time Clinton says, "I don't think that's a tragedy... I think that's a great loss."
So again Clinton asks another kid to give an example of a tragedy. The kid responds, "If you, Hillary, and Al Gore are on Air Force One and it crashes."
"Right!" says Clinton to the kid. "That would be a tragedy... how did you ever know that?"
Quickly, the kid replies, " Because I know it's not an accident and I know it's not a great loss."
Hillary Clinton went in for her yearly checkup. When she was finished, she asked her gynecologist how things looked.
He said he was pleased and that she is in great shape but that she was pregnant!
She told the doctor there was no way, but he said that she most definitely was a month pregnant. Well, she stormed out of the office and went to the receptionist and took the phone and called the White house. When the operator answered she said that it was Hillary and that she wanted to talk to Bill right away.
Well, they rang the oval office and Bill answered. Hillary said, "Do you know what you did you rotten bastard? You got me pregnant!"
The president remained silent.
Again, Hillary screamed, "DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID, YOU ROTTEN BASTARD? YOU GOT ME PREGNANT!"
Bill finally answered, "Who is this?"
Oz Revisited
Former Vice President Dan Quayle, Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich, and President Bill Clinton are traveling by car in Kansas.
A tornado comes along and whirls them up into the air and tosses them many miles away. They fall into a daze.
When they come to and extract themselves from the vehicle, they realize they're in the fabled Land of Oz.
They decide to go see the famous Wizard of Oz, known for granting people their wishes.
Quayle announces: "I'll ask the Wizard for a brain."
Gingrich responds: "I'll ask him for a heart."
Clinton looks around and says: "Where's Dorothy?"
Hillary Clinton was on her way somewhere when he came across a little boy selling puppies. She stops and asks the boy "What kind of puppies are they?"
The boy replies, "They're Democratic puppies, Ma'am."
With this she smiles and walks off.
Later on that day she mentions to Bill about the boy and his puppies and suggested that it might be nice to have a puppy around the house.
The next week Bill was on his way to McDonald's and saw the boy and his puppies. He stops and asks the boy, "What kind of puppies are they?"
The boy replies, "They're Republican puppies, Sir."
"Republican puppies?" Bill asked. "Last week you told my wife they were Democratic puppies."
The boy replied, "I know, Sir. But since then they opened their eyes."
President Clinton died and knocked at the Pearly Gates. "Who goes there?" inquired St. Peter.
"It's me, Bill Clinton".
"What bad things did you do on earth?"
Clinton thought a bit and answered, "Well, I smoked marijuana but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't inhale. I guess I had extra-marital sex--but you couldn't hold that against me because I didn't really have 'sexual relations.' And I lied, but I didn't commit perjury."
After several moments of deliberation St. Peter replied, "OK, here's the deal. We'll send you someplace where it is very hot, but we won't call it 'Hell.' You'll be there for an indefinite period of time, but we won't call it 'eternity.' And don't 'abandon all hope' upon entering, just don't hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over."
One day Bill Clinton was out jogging -- and accidentally fell from a ridge into a very cold river. Three boys, playing along the river, saw the accident. Without a second thought, they jumped in the water and dragged the wet president out of the river.
After cleaning up he said, "Boys, you saved the President of the United States today. You deserve a reward. You name it, I'll give it to you."
The first boy said, "Please, I'd like a ticket to Disneyland!"
"I'll personally hand it to you," said Mr. Clinton.
"I'd like a pair of Nike Air Turbos," the second boy said.
"I'll buy them myself and give them to you," said the grateful Clinton.
"And I'd like a wheelchair with a stereo in it," said the third boy.
"I'll personally ... wait a second, son, you're not handicapped!"
"No -- but I will be when my dad finds out I saved you from drowning." |
