friday's funnies...
A large group of Taliban soldiers are moving down a road when they
hear a voice call from behind a sand-dune. "One U. S. Marine is better
than ten Taliban." The Taliban commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune where upon a gun battle breaks and continues for a few minutes, then silence. The voice then calls out "One U. S. Marine is better than one hundred Taliban." Furious, the Taliban commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gunfight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence. The American voice calls out again "One U. S. Marine is better than one
thousand Taliban." The enraged Taliban Commander musters one thousand fighters and sends them across the dune. Cannons, rockets and machine guns ring out as a huge battle is fought. Then silence. Eventually one wounded Taliban fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, "It's a trap. There's two of them."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A client brought a litter of golden retriever puppies to a veterinary
clinic for innoculations and worming. As the look-alike pups squirmed over and under one another in their box, the vet realized it would be difficult to tell the treated ones from the rest. So, the vet turned on the water faucet, wet his fingers, and moistened each dog's head when he had finished. After the fourth puppy, the vet noticed the talkative client had grown silent. As the vet sprinkled the last pup's head, the woman leaned forward and whispered, "I didn't know they had to be baptized, too."
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Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and acquisitions, it was announced today at a press conference that Christmas and Hanukkah will merge. An industry source said that the deal had been in the works for about 1300 years. While details were not available at press time, it is believed that the overhead cost of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days of Hanukkah was becoming prohibitive for both sides. By combining forces, we're told, the world will be able to enjoy consistently high-quality service during the Fifteen Days of Chrismukah, as the new holiday is being called.
Massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids a-milking being the hardest hit. As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the dreydl, currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming unintelligible to a wider audience. Also, instead of translating to "A great miracle happened there," the message on the dreydl will be the more generic "Miraculous stuff happens." In exchange, it is believed that Jews will be allowed to use Santa Claus and his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering their
gifts. One of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at least three hundred years was the question of whether Jewish children could leave milk and cookies for Santa even after having eaten meat for dinner. A breakthrough came last year, when Oreos were finally declared to be Kosher. All sides appeared happy about this. A spokesman for Christmas, Inc., declined to say whether a takeover of Kwanzaa might not be in the works as well. He merely pointed out that, were it not for the independent existence of Kwanzaa, the merger between Christmas and Chanukah might indeed be seen as an unfair cornering of the holiday market. Fortunately for all concerned, he said, Kwanzaa will help to maintain the competitive balance. He then closed the press conference by
leading all present in a rousing rendition of "Oy Vey, All Ye Faithful."
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.........A Skier's Dictionary:
Alp: One of a number of ski mountains in Europe. Also a shouted request for assistance made by a European skier on a U.S. mountain. An appropriate reply: "What Zermatter?"
Avalanche: One of the few actual perils skiers face that needlessly frighten timid individuals away from the sport. See also: Blizzard, Fracture, Frostbite, Hypothermia, Lift Collapse.
Bindings: Automatic mechanisms that protect skiers from potentially serious injury during a fall by releasing skis from boots, sending the skis skittering across the slope where they trip two other skiers, and so on and on, eventually causing the entire slope to be protected from serious injury.
Bones: There are 206 in the human body. No need for dismay, however: TWO bones of the middle ear have never been broken in a skiing accident.
Cross-Country Skiing: Traditional Scandinavian all-terrain snow-travelling technique. It's good exercise. It doesn't require the purchase of costly lift tickets. It has no crowds or lines. It isn't skiing. See Cross-Country Something-Or-Other.
Cross-Country Something-or-Other: Touring on skis along trails in scenic wilderness, gliding through snow-hushed woods far from the hubbub of the ski slopes, hearing nothing but the whispery hiss of the skis slipping through snow and the muffled tinkle of car keys dropping into the puffy powder of a deep, wind-sculped drift.
Exercises: A few simple warm-ups to make sure you're prepared for the slopes: *Tie a cinder block to each foot with old belts and climb a flight of stairs. *Sit on the outside of a second-story window ledge with your skis on and your poles in your lap for 30 minutes. *Bind your legs together at the ankles, lie flat on the floor; then, holding a banana in each hand, get to your feet.
Gloves: Designed to be tight enough around the wrist to restrict circulation, but not so closefitting as to allow any manual dexterity; they should also admit moisture from the outside without permitting any dampness within to escape.
Gravity: One of four fundamental forces in nature that affect skiers. The other three are the strong force, which makes bindings jam; the weak force, which makes ankles give way on turns; and electromagnetism, which produces dead batteries in expensive ski-resort parking lots. See Inertia.
Inertia: Tendency of a skier's body to resist changes in direction or speed due to the action of Newton's First Law of Motion. Goes along with these other physical laws: * Two objects of greatly different mass falling side by side will have the same rate of descent, but the lighter one will have larger hospital bills. * Matter can neither be created nor destroyed, but if it drops out of a parka pocket, don't expect to encounter it again in our universe. * When an irrestible force meets an immovable object, an unethical lawyer will immediately appear.
Prejump: Manuever in which an expert skier makes a controlled jump just ahead of a bump. Beginners can execute a controlled prefall just before losing their balance and, if they wish, can precede it with a prescream and a few pregroans.
Shin: The bruised area on the front of the leg that runs from the point where the ache from the wrenched knee ends to where the soreness from the strained ankle begins.
Ski!: A shout to alert people ahead that a loose ski is coming down the hill. Another warning skiers should be familiar with is "Avalanche!" - which tells everyone that a hill is coming down the hill.
Skier: One who pays an arm and a leg for the opportunity to break them.
Stance: Your knees should be flexed, but shaking slightly; your arms straight and covered with a good layer of goose flesh; your hands forward, palms clammy, knuckles white and fingers icy, your eyes a little crossed and darting in all directions. Your lips should be quivering, and you should be mumbling, "Why?"
Thor: The Scandinavian god of acheth and painth.
Traverse: To ski across a slope at an angle; one of two quick and simple methods of reducing speed.
Tree: The other method.
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Reasons why Christmas Trees are better than Men:
1. A Christmas tree is always erect.
2. Even small ones give satisfaction.
3. A Christmas tree stays up for 12 days and nights.
4. A Christmas tree always looks good - even when it's lit.
5. A Christmas tree is always happy with its size.
6. A Christmas tree has cute balls.
7. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you break one of its balls.
8. You can throw a Christmas tree out when it wears out.
9. You don't have to put up with a Christmas tree all year.
10. You only have to feed/water it once a week.
11. It's always there to light up your life.
12. It gets turned on only when you want it turned on.
13. It always smells nice and doesn't pass gas.
14. If it needles you, you can toss it out.
15.It doesn't ask you to have little Christmas trees.
and finally...
There will be no Christmas celebration in Washington, DC this year. Apparently they could not find three wise men.
Fill the House (sung to the tune of Deck the Halls)
Fill the house with jubilation!
fa la la la la la la la la
Billy Bob is on probation
Fa la la la la la la la la
Ellie slept with brother Chester!
Fa la la la la la la la la
Now she's in her 3rd trimester
Fa la la la la la la la la
Give a cheer--we're all together
Fa la la la la la la la la
Claire is into whips and leather
Fa la la la la la la la la
Roy has formed his own milita
Fa la la la la la la la la
Clem's a pimp for cousin Tric
Fa la la la la la la la la
gather round and give a blessing
Fa la la la la la la la la
Uncle Fred is still cross-dressing
Fa la la la la la la la la
Jeff is on the floor with Donna
Fa la la la la la la la la
Stoned on home-grown marijuana
Fa la la la la la la la la
Join our Christmas celebration--
Fa la la la la la la la la
Make our house your destination--
Fa la la la la la la la la
Every year's a real hum-dinger--
Fa la la la la la la la la
Cacth us soon on Jerry Springer
Fa la la la la la la la la
"Remember,if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast."-Woody Allen
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more xmas funnies after the close on monday...;-)
for those that have a long weekend ahead...enjoy...
good fortune...
pops |
