The Osama Sweepstakes
When you win, the whole world wins with you!
By Matt Richtel
Posted Friday, December 14, 2001, at 7:21 AM PT
slate.msn.com
Text of broadcast made by U.S. government to Afghanistan, as provided by Department of Defense:
"Attention people of Afghanistan! Up to $25 million reward is being offered for information leading to the location and capture of Osama Bin Laden or Aiman Al-Zawahiri. These two terrorists of al-Qaida are responsible for the murder of thousands of innocent people around the world."
*OFFICIAL "UP TO $25 MILLION" PROMOTION RULES
Reward will be administered at the discretion of promotion supervisor pursuant to prevailing law of United States of America. Reward will be distributed under terms and conditions set forth herein and are not subject to future amendment, challenge, or arbitration. Supervisor will be referred to in conversation as "sir."
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HOW TO ENTER
Informant may apply for the offer by sending a 3-by-5 card with handwritten name, mailing address, phone number, e-mail address (if any), gender, and country of citizenship, to: I Helped Kill the Evildoer, 1600 Pennsylvania Ave., Washington, DC, 20502-0001. No mechanical reproductions will be accepted. Card must indicate whereabouts of Mr. Bin Laden, including country, region, and cave number. Penmanship counts.
By mailing in card, informant will also be signaling he is registering to receive from Sponsor a free e-mail newsletter about the progress of the war against evil.
Cards originating from Tora Bora region may subject sender to scrutiny and/or air raids.
ELIGIBILITY REQUIREMENTS
Reward is open to legal residents of Afghanistan, Pakistan, and adjacent nations who are 12-years-old or of marrying age, whichever comes first.
Excluded are employees of al-Qaida, its parent company, subsidiaries, fund-raising organizations, Ahmed's House of Anthrax, Honey and Shrapnel Exchange, and Kandahar Rock-n-Bowl, and members of the immediate families and individuals living in the same household as each of the above, or harboring them, or making them tea. For these rules, "immediate" family refers to mother, father, sisters, brothers, sons, daughters, any of the Mrs. Bin Ladens, or anyone who knows these people personally, or even through friends. "Household" refers to cave.
California natives from Marin County: The legality of such a promotion is still pending in California courts. Should a court ruling deem the promotion illegal under state law, promotion will be terminated, as will the California native. Recipient may also be eligible for airfare to, and accommodations at, military prison.
REWARD
One (1) reward of up to $25 million will be awarded. Reward value will be at discretion of promotion supervisor. In the event recipient is learned to have been linked to Mr. Bin Laden as a business associate, colleague, or fellow terrorist, the reward also may be "Down to Zero." Amount of cash reward is final, and recipient may not substitute it for equivalent value in prizes, such as virgins or life without possibility of parole.
Reward recipients will be notified by mail or "Prize Patrol." Prize Patrol consists of U.S. Army Special Ranger Forces who will arrive on the doorstep in a ceremonial fashion via helicopter and gunship. If reward recipient is not present, an alternate reward winner will be chosen, but both will be presumed guilty. Acceptance of reward constitutes permission to use recipient's name and likeness in TV commercials, other promotions, and military tribunals.
DISQUALIFICATION
Any individual who tampers with process in any way—including, but not limited to, double dealing, baiting and switching, hiding Mr. Bin Laden in a cave then pointing elsewhere and screaming, "I saw him go that way"—will forfeit right to future potential reward. Anyone who actually knows the whereabouts of Mr. Bin Laden may be disqualified.
ADDITIONAL ITEMS AND CONDITIONS
Reward recipient may be executed. |
