Speaking on behalf (?) of America (?)
One thing I love about this thread is that you learn new things here every day. This past
week or so has been a boon.
A lot of people probably thought, like I did, that when you say you are speaking "on
behalf of” something (like a country), you have to have some authorization, or some
standing to do so. But it turns out that is no longer the case, if it ever was. Any of us can speak on behalf of any country we want, any time we want. I’m going to take advantage of that right now:
On behalf of Japan, I, J. C. Dithers, apologize that we made the trunk of a
Honda so small that you can’t even get a picnic cooler in it.
I feel better already, receiving that apology.
I see no reason why this privilege should be limited to apologies, or just to countries,
either. So I have something else to say:
On behalf of Bill Clinton, I, J.C. Dithers, apologize for all the sleazy things he
did while he was president.
It’s about time I received that apology, and I imagine there are a lot others who feel the
same way.
The second thing I learned, is that when someone says, “I am an American,” it doesn’t
have to mean they are from the United States of America. The important thing is, what
continent do they live on? If they are from North America, Central America, or South
America, then they are Americans. And if that causes any confusion, well, you know
whose fault that is. What right did the U.S.A. have to hijack “America” when they
named their damn country? Leave it to the good old U.S.A. to be the only country that
had the chutzpah to do that.
I have some advice for anyone from, say, Colombia, or Venezuela, or Chile, who wants
to come to the U.S.A. When you get to Customs and Immigration, look the officer right
in the eye and say, “I am an American!” If he gives you any hassle, just say, “Look,
buddy, don’t blame me just because your $%#@$ forefathers stole the name of my
continent. Stand aside and let me in, NOW!”
And if you think you may get in trouble, don’t worry, because I can tell you this:
On behalf of Christopher Hodgkins (Attorney), I, J. C. Dithers, guarantee you
that Mr. Hodgkins will come to any border crossing, at any time of the day or night, to
defend your rights as an American, at absolutely no cost to you.
Finally -- I have an important message for all Americans:
On behalf of the U. S. Internal Revenue Service, I, J. C. Dithers, instruct all
Americans (and if you are Guatemalan, yes, this means YOU!) to send your next year's
income tax payment to me personally in the form of a bank check made out to me. |
