OT - Bonds can make impressive case
GARY PETERSON: TIMES COLUMNIST
BY GARY PETERSON
The Giants have offered Barry Bonds salary arbitration, and Bonds has accepted. No one expects it to come to that; the two sides are believed to be working toward a mutually compatible long-term deal.
But what if it did come to that? Arbitration, for the uninitiated, is a contentious process by which a player and a team debate the player's relative value for the upcoming season. Both sides pick salary figures they believe to be fair, then they plead their cases before an independent arbiter. The arbiter chooses one figure or the other. There is no compromise.
Can you imagine the Giants and Bonds going at it across a mahogany table? Better yet, don't. We've already imagined it for you:
Arbiter: We're on the record in the arbitration case of the San Francisco Giants and Barry Lamar Bonds. Let the record show the Giants are represented by general manager Brian Sabean, while Mr. Bonds is representing himself. Gentlemen, let's begin by having you present your arbitration figures.
Sabean: We think $18 million is a fair figure.
Bonds: For Fernando Vina, maybe. I think $30 million is a fair figure for me.
Arbiter: Fine. Uh, Mr. Sabean, do you have something lodged in your throat? Can we get you a drink of water? Or perhaps some defibrillation paddles?
Sabean: I'll be fine, thank you.
Arbiter: OK, then. Mr. Bonds, you may proceed with your case.
Bonds: Last season I hit 73 home runs, the most in baseball history. I walked 177 times, the most in baseball history. I had an .863 slugging percentage, the highest in baseball history. I had a career-high .515 on-base percentage, drove in a career-high 137 runs and tied my career high with 129 runs scored. That's a great season, man. In fact, I think I'd like to ask for $40 million. No, wait -- $50 million.
Arbiter: I'm sorry, once the session has begun you must stick with your original figure. Mr. Sabean, are you sure you're OK? Your face is the color of artificial turf.
Sabean: I'll be all right.
Arbiter: Fine. Let me commend you on your powerful presentation, Mr. Bonds. Mr. Sabean, it's your turn.
Sabean: Thank you. Without diminishing what Mr. Bonds did last season, we feel we must point out certain areas of his game which were deficient.
Bonds: Like what, my earned run average?
Arbiter: Good one, Barry. May I call you Barry?
Sabean: Hey!
Arbiter: I'm sorry, Mr. Sabean. You were saying?
Sabean: Last season, Mr. Bonds had just 39 singles, as compared to his career average of 76 singles prior to 2001. Singles, as you know, are widely believed to be the most exciting play in baseball.
Bonds: Last year you told me the most exciting play in baseball was a fly ball to Marvin Benard.
Arbiter: My goodness, Barry, I had no idea you had this kind of sense of humor!
Sabean: Hey!
Arbiter: Oh, very well. Continue Mr. Sabean.
Sabean: Barry hit just two triples in 2001. And he had just 13 stolen bases. He had no sacrifice bunts, and just two sacrifice flies. What kind of player refuses to sacrifice himself for his teammates?
Bonds: Could I help it if my sac flies kept going over the fence?
Arbiter: Stop it, Barry, or I'll soil my robe!
Sabean: Hey!
Arbiter: For gosh sakes, Mr. Sabean, what is it now?
Sabean: Mr. Bonds made six errors last season, tying his career high. His fielding percentage was .977, a career low. He hit .176 as a DH, and .208 on Tuesday afternoons against tattooed Scandinavian relievers. He didn't always run out routine ground balls. He went for weeks at a time without oiling his glove. His phone etiquette is just average, he chews with his mouth open and I have it on good authority that on his third-grade report card -- second quarter -- he got a check-minus in Works and Plays Well With Others.
Bonds: And you traded for Wayne Gomes.
Sabean: Hey!
Arbiter: OK, I think I have enough testimony to render a decision in this case. Taking into account what Mr. Bonds did last season, the often-trying circumstances under which he did it and his delightfully dry sense of humor, I have reached a conclusion.
Bonds, Sabean: Yes?
Arbiter: Mr. Sabean, shake hands with the new majority owner of the Giants.
Sabean: Hey!
Contact Gary Peterson at gpeterson@cctimes.com. |
