friday funnies...
Two priests are vacationing in Hawaii. They don't want to stand out, so
they decide to buy casual clothes. They've just hit the beach in loud
Hawaiian print T-shirts and sandals when they spot this hot blonde in a tiny bikini walking their way. As she walks past them, she politely says, "Good afternoon, fathers."Well, the men are amazed, because they can't understand how the woman knew they were priests. They decide to go out and buy even wilder clothes, so they buy tie-died T-shirts, surfer shorts, and dark sunglasses. The next day, they hit the beach in their wild new clothes, and the same blonde passes them in a string
bikini. As she passes, she says, "How do you do, fathers?"Well, the two priests are really confused, so they ask the blonde, "Excuse me, ma'am. We're not ashamed of being priests, but how in the world did you know who we were?"The blonde replies "Why, father, don't you recognize me? I'm Sister Catherine from the convent!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Actual Police Quotes...
"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
"The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."
"So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"
"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
"Warning! You want a warning? Okay, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
"In God we trust, all others are suspects."
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One lovely morning, Ben and Thomas were out golfing. Ben slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs his 8-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball. Ben searches diligently throught the thick underbrush and suddenly he spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is in fact an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball. Ben excitedly calls out to his golfing partner: "Hey Thomas,
come here, I got big trouble down here." Thomas comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out, "What's the matter Ben?" Ben shouts back in a nervous voice, "Throw me my 7-iron! Looks like you can't get out of here with an 8-iron."
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A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corp.
The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes. "Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," he said Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and he was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wit's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor." The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press and Wall Street responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him. About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize." This he did, and the company quickly rebounded. After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office closed the door and opened the third envelope. The message said, "Prepare three envelopes."
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A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father who was a rabbi, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study and said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut and we'll talk about it." After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car. They again went to the father's study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your Bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!" The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair and even Jesus had long hair." To which his father replied, "Yes, and they walked every where they went!"
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A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day. She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for One thing; she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around furtively, then speak to them. Generally the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money for something she carried in her bag. The couple assumed she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure they just continued to watch her. After a couple of weeks the wife said, "Honey, have you ever noticed that She only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?" He hadn't and said so. Then she said, Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing." Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road. Well? Is she selling drugs?" she asked, excitement pouring out with her voice. "No, she's not" he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have. "Well? What is it, then? What does she do?" his wife fairly shrieked. The man grinned and said, "She's a battery sales rep"
"A battery salesman?" cried the wife.
(Here it comes,)
"Yes" he replied, "She sells 'C' cells by the sea shore." gotcha...ROTF
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and finally...
You know that you've joined a redneck HMO if...
* The annual breast exam is conducted at Hooter's...
* Directions to the Dr's office include "Take a left when you enter the trailer park"...
* The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles...
* The only proctologist lists his address as Rotorooter...
* The Lone Star Bar and Grill is an approved pharmacy...
* Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave
to Goodwill last month...
* Preventive Care Coverage includes "an apple a day"...
* Your Prozac comes in colors and has little "m"s on each pill...
* The only 100% covered expense is embalming...
And the best one...
*Your Viagra prescription includes a popsicle stick and some
duct tape...
for those that have monday off...markets will be closed south of the border...have a great holiday weekend...
good fortune...
pops |
