DONNY & DUBYA PITCH PERMA-WAR(TM)
bend.com
PermaWar repels, protects and is all yours - for a price
It's a miracle cleaner - just ask Dick Cheney about that Enron slime stain
ARI FLEISCHER: “Good afternoon, everybody, and welcome to the GOP Home Shopping Channel! During the next few minutes, you’re going to learn about a revolutionary new product that will dramatically change not just your life, but YOUR WHOLE WORLD! Here to tell you about this marvelous new breakthrough are your hosts, Donny Rumsfeld and Dubya Bush!”
[AUDIENCE applauds, cheers.]
DUBYA: “Good afternoon, Donny!”
DONNY: “Good afternoon, Dubya!”
DUBYA: “Gee, it’s wonderful to be here in lovely Crawford, Texas, on this lovely day with my lovely cows and my lovely wife, Laura, and my lovely daughters, What’s-Their-Names!”
DONNY: “It sure is, Dubya – and what’s even more wonderful is the marvelous new product we’re going to show America today!”
DUBYA: “I’m all a-twitter, Donny! Tell me about it!”
DONNY [Holds up can]: “This is it, Dubya – All-New Miracle PermaWar™!”
DUBYA: “Gee, that’s sure a fine-lookin’ can!”
DONNY: “You bet, Dubya! But what’s INSIDE this can is even more impressive!”
DUBYA: “Ooooh! Tell me what’s inside, Donny!”
DONNY: “Inside this handy aerosol can, Dubya, is an incredible scientific breakthrough that, for the first time, provides COMPLETE PROTECTION AGAINST EVIL-DOERS!”
DUBYA: “No kidding, Donny! Wow! How does it work?”
DONNY: “All you have to do, Dubya, is spray All-New Miracle PermaWar™ over the entire outside of your home. It bonds instantly to any surface, forming an INVISIBLE PROTECTIVE SHIELD that repels all evil-doers, regardless of race, religion, nationality or political ideology!”
DUBYA: “That’s terrific, Donny! But, y’know, suppose my home is already infested with evil-doers? I mean, suppose there’s an Axis of Evil in my crawl space? Can PermaWar™ fix that problem too?”
DONNY: “That’s the best part, Dubya – it sure can! Just spray PermaWar™ under the bed, inside cupboards, in your attic or crawlspace, behind baseboards – any place those pesky evil-doers might be lurking – and PermaWar™ will wipe them out in minutes!”
DUBYA: “Gee whillikers, Donny, I want some of that All-New Miracle PermaWar™ right now!”
DONNY [chuckles]: “Hold on, Dubya, I’m not finished yet –PermaWar™ can do lots more!”
DUBYA: “Golly! Tell me, tell me!”
DONNY: “Incredible new PermaWar™ not only protects you and your family from evil-doers – it’s also an amazing all-purpose adhesive, lubricant, sealant and cleaner, with literally hundreds of household uses!”
DUBYA [dubiously]: “Aww, c’mon, Donny, you’re pullin’ my leg!”
DONNY: “No sirree, Dubya, it’s absolutely true! For instance, here’s an economic policy that’s full of holes and looks like it’s ready to fall apart.”
DUBYA [chuckles]: “Yeah, THAT looks familiar!”
DONNY: “Well, all I do is spray this economic policy with PermaWar™ and – voila! – the holes seem to disappear!”
[AUDIENCE applauds, cheers.]
DUBYA: “Wow, that’s really keen! What else can All-New Miracle PermaWar™ do?”
DONNY: “Remember I said PermaWar™ is a great all-purpose cleaner? Okay, to show just how great it is I’m going to call on a good friend of ours – Dick Cheney!”
[CHENEY enters stage left, smiling and waving. AUDIENCE applauds, cheers.]
DONNY: “Now, you see our friend Dick is wearing a beautiful, spotless white suit. And here in this bucket I’ve mixed up some of the dirtiest, grimiest, smelliest stuff in the world – Enron slime, Saudi crude oil, nuclear waste, you name it.”
DUBYA: “Yecccccchh!”
DONNY: “Okay, Dick, please stand in the middle of this plastic drop cloth. Now I’m going to dump – yes, I’m going to DUMP this whole bucket of repulsive gunk right on Dick’s beautiful, spotless white suit! Are you ready, Dick?”
DICK: “Ready, Donny!”
DUBYA: “Oooh, I can’t look!”
DONNY: “Okay, here it comes!” [Pours bucket over DICK.]
AUDIENCE: “Eeeeeeeeeyew!”
DONNY: “And now, behold the awesome power of All-New Miracle PermaWar™! I’ll just spray a little PermaWar™ on the stain and – can you believe this? – all that icky, yucky, filthy, disgusting crud is dissolving and SLIDING RIGHT OFF! Dick’s suit looks as white and spotless as if it was brand new!”
[AUDIENCE applauds, cheers.]
DONNY: “And All-New Miracle PermaWar™ not only cleans all types of fabric, but also removes the toughest stains from your deck, patio or driveway! Thanks for helping us out, Dick!” [CHENEY exits stage right, smiling and waving.]
DUBYA: “Well, Donny, I’m sold! I want my All-New Miracle PermaWar™ right now! How do I order?”
DONNY: “Our announcer, Ari Fleischer, will give you and our friends out there in TV Land all the details. Take it away, Ari!”
ARI: “To get your All-New Miracle PermaWar™, have your credit card ready and dial 1-888-WAR-PERM. You’ll get a giant 16-ounce can – enough to wipe out more than 1,000 evil-doers – for one easy down payment of $1 trillion plus $2 billion per month for life, plus shipping and handling. AND if you call within the next 15 minutes we’ll send you – ABSOLUTELY FREE – a second 16-ounce can, a handsome American flag pin containing a genuine 1/64th-carat cubic zirconium, two American flag car decals, a set of Ginsu knives, and this exclusive, patented, easy-to-use Evil-Doer Detector and Secret Decoder Ring™! So CALL NOW – our operators are standing by to take your money … uh, take your order!” |
