friday funnies...
As the doctor completed an examination of the patient,
he said, "I can't find a cause for your complaint.
Frankly, I think it's due to drinking.""In that case," said the patient, "I'll come back when you're sober"
The Judge said to the defendant. "I thought I told you
I never wanted to see you in here again.""Your Honor," the criminal said, "that's what I tried to tell the police, but they wouldn't listen."
Benefits of Being a Woman
*We got off the Titanic first.
*We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
*We can be groupies.
*Taxis stop for us.
*Men die sooner, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.
*We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
*Free drinks.
*Free dinners.
*We can hug our friends without wondering if they think we're gay.
*We can hug our friends without wondering if we're gay.
*We know the truth about whether size matters.
*New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.
*Condoms make no significant difference in our enjoyment of sex.
*We don't fart to amuse ourselves.
*If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
*We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her ass.
*If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.
*We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
*We have an excuse to be totally cranky at least once a month.
*If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.
*Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth.
Do you know what Hannibal calls Abe Vigoda and Erik Estrada? Fish and chips.
Do you know why Hannibal was sorry he ate the guy at the Texaco station? Gave him gas.
Do you know what Hannibal calls a homeless man?
Hungry man dinner.
Do you know what Hannibal calls John Goodman?
Dinner for two.
A pirate walked into a bar and up to the counter. The bartender couldn't help but notice a large steering wheel with a parrot perched atop it sticking out of the pirate's pants. "Hey friend," the bartender said to the pirate, do you realize you have a steering wheel with a parrot on it sticking out of your pants?"
"Yar!" the pirate replied. "He's driving me nuts!"
"To those who are fighting and bombarding us, they should understand the Afghan man is a fighter willing to die for a jihad."
- Mullah Mohammed Omar, Taliban Supreme Leader, October 10, 2001
"I want you to remember that no bastard ever won a war by dying for his country. He won it by making the other poor dumb bastard die for his."
- George S. Patton, American General, WWII, June 5, 1944
What a Woman Says:
This place is a mess! C'mon,
You and I need to clean up.
Your stuff is lying on the floor, and if we don't do laundry
right now you'll have no clothes to wear."
What a Man Hears:
blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON
blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW
blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES.
There's these animals in a restaurant. The waiter comes over at the end of the night to collect for the drinks.
The skunk says 'Don't look at me, I haven't got a scent'
The duck says 'Just put it on my bill'
The cow says 'You'll have to ask one of the udders'
The deer says 'I had a buck last week and I'm expecting a little doe soon'
The giraffe says 'Well, I guess the high balls are on me then'
This guy went to the zoo one day. While he was standing in front of the gorilla's enclosure, the wind gusted and he got some grit in his eye. As he pulled his eyelid down to dislodge the particle, the gorilla
went crazy, bent open the bars, and beat the guy senseless. When the guy came to, the zookeeper was anxiously bending over him, and as soon as he was able to talk, he explained what had happened. The zookeeper nodded and explained that in gorilla language, pulling down your eyelid means, "pluck yous."
This didn't make the gorilla's victim feel any better and he vowed revenge. The next day he purchased two large knives, two party hats, two party horns, and a large sausage. Putting the sausage in his pants, he
hurried to the zoo and over to the gorilla's cage,into which he tossed a hat, a knife, and a party horn.
Knowing that the big apes were natural mimics, he put on a party hat. The gorilla looked at him, and looked at the hat, and put it on. Next he picked up his horn and blew on it. The gorilla picked up his horn and did the same. Then the man picked up his knife, whipped the sausage out of his pants, and sliced it neatly in two. The gorilla looked at the knife in his cage, looked at his own crotch, and pulled down his eyelid.
Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I want all the kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I want all the kids to copulate me."
New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."
And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skins say: "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."
Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann 1996: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."
Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height." And "You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle."
Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton."
Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."
Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece: "I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to."
Shaquille O'Neal, on his lack of championships: "I've won at every level, except college and pro."
Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."
Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team's 7-27 record in 1992: "We can't win at home. We can't win on the road. As general manager, I just can't figure out where else to play."
Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player,
explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt."
Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling Gator
fans that a fire at Auburn's football dorm had destroyed 20 books: "But the real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored in yet."
Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints General Manager, when
asked after a loss what he thought of the refs: I'm not allowed to comment on lousy no good officiating."
Alan Kulwicki, stock car racer, on racing Saturday nights as opposed to Sunday afternoons:"It's basically the same, just darker."
Lincoln Kennedy, Oakland Raiders tackle, on his decision not to vote: "I was going to write myself in, but I was afraid I'd get shot."
Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his
coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets
us wear earrings."
and finally...
Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A M,
recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too
much time on one subject."
JB have a great time whale watching.
enjoy your weekend...
good fortune...
pops |
