friday funnies...
What did the one crocodile say to the other crocodile?
What's with the long face?
David and Simon are sitting in the cafeteria discussing their weekend.
"Man this weekend was the best!" David says. "I finally scored." Simon
says, "Yeah, well I scored and it was the worst experience I've ever
had."
"How so?" replies David.
Simon relates, "That girl Cecilia brought me back to her room
and said she would do anything I want. So I asked her to go
down on me, and she said no problem. In the middle of the whole
thing, she starts turning green, coughing like crazy and passes out."
"Damn!" Simon says. "What happened?"
David responds, "Turns out she's allergic to nuts."
A Connecticut woman is facing charges after allegedly driving
her car around the inside of a store. Police accuse Melodie
Morsicato of ploughing her Nissan Stanza through the Target
store's locked doors in New Britain. She then is alleged to have
driven around the aisles, scattering goods across the floor in
her wake. She then apparently came to stop in the store's lawn
and patio furniture section when the police arrived.
A guy walks into a clinic to have his blood type taken. The nurse goes
about taking the blood sample from his finger after finishing she looks
around for a piece of cotton to wipe away the excess blood. she can't
find it so she looks innocently at the guy and takes his finger and
sucks it. The guy is so pleased he asks; "Do you think i could have a urine test done?"
A young college student had stayed up all night
studying for his zoology test the next day. As
he entered the classroom, he saw ten stands with
ten legs on them. Each bird had a sack over its
head; only the legs were showing.
He sat straight in the front row because he wanted
to do the best job possible. The professor announced
that the test would be to look at each of the birds'
legs and give the common name, habitat, genus and species.
The student looked at each of the birds' legs. They
all looked the same to him. He began to get upset.
He had stayed up all night studying and now had to
identify birds by their legs. The more he thought
about it the madder he got.
Finally he could stand it no longer. He went up to
the professor's desk and said, "What a stupid test!
How could anyone tell the difference between birds
by looking at their legs?" With that the student
threw his test on the professor's desk and walked
to the door.
The professor was surprised. The class was so big
that he didn't know every student's name so as the
student reached the door the professor called,
"Mister, what's your name?"
The enraged student pulled up his pant legs and
said, "You tell me buddy! You tell me!"
A priest was walking along the corridor of the parochial school near the preschool wing when a group of little ones were trotting by on the way to the cafeteria. Little Johnny stopped and looked at him in his clerical clothes and asked, "Why do you dress funny?"He told him he was a priest and this is the uniform priests wear. Little Johnny pointed to the priest's plastic collar tab and asked, "Do you have an owie?" The priest was perplexed till he realized that to him the collar tab looked like a band-aid. So the priest took it out and handed it to Little Johnny, to show him. On the back of the tab were raised letters giving the name of the manufacturer. Little Johnny felt the letters, and the priest asked, "Do you know what those words say?" "Yes I do," said Little Johnny, who was not old enough to read. Peering intently at the letters he said, "Kills ticks and fleas up to six months!"
A drill sergeant had just chewed out another one of his cadets, and as he was walking away, he turned to the cadet and said, "I guess when I die you'll come and dance on my grave." The cadet replied, "Not me, Sarge. I promised myself that when I got out of the Army I'd never stand in another line."
A father and son went hunting together for the first time. The father
said "Stay here and be very quiet. I'll be across the field." A little while later the father heard a blood curdling scream and ran back to his son asking, "What's wrong? I told you to be quiet." The son answered, "Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet. I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck. But when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant legs and said 'Should we eat them here or take them with us?' I panicked..."
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy." He turned to the second Mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny." He turned to the third Mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy." At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go.
In World War I, American soldiers were called "Doughboys."
In World War II, they were called "GIs."
Today, they are called "Tali-Whackers"!
Morris and Becky were delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end. The adoption center called and told them they had a wonderful Russian baby boy and the couple took him without hesitation.
On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses. After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, "What ever possessed you to study Russian?" The couple said proudly, "We just adopted a Russian baby and in a year or so he'll start to talk. We just want to be able to
understand him."
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No idea.
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no idea.
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my Goodness. . I could be eating a slow learner." Lynda Montgomery
Take my advice, I don't use it anyway.
A key ring is a handy little gadget that allows you to lose all your keys at once.
A teacher asked one of her pupils, "What's the nation's capital?" The reply was, "Washington DC." After the teacher asked the pupil what 'DC' stood for, the student added, "Dot com!"
and finally...
Single Black Female... Seeks companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a svelte good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping, and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond.
I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm yours.
Call xxx-xxxx and ask for Daisy."
Callers found themselves talking to the local Humane Society about an eight-week-old black Lab.
good fortune...
pops |
