1. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the
pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've
reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is
for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
******
2. On landing the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all your
belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's
something we'd like to have."
******
3. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways off
this airplane."
******
4. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving
us the business as
much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
******
5. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a
lone voice came over
the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
******
6. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a
flight attendant on a Northwest flight
announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because,
after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
******
7. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX
to YYY. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and
pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know
how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
******
8. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from
the ceiling. Stop screaming,
grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child
traveling with you, secure your
mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one
small child, pick your favorite, now.
******
9. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but
we'll try to have them fixed before
we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more
than Southwest Airlines."
******
10. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an
emergency water landing, please paddle
to shore and take them with our compliments."
******
11. "Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the
overhead area. Please place the bag over your
own mouth and nose before assisting children...or other adults acting like
children."
******
12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.
Anything left behind will be distributed
evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or
spouses."
******
13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta airlines is
pleased to have some of the best
flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this
flight!"
******
14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake
City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a
bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the
airline's
fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's
fault...it was the asphalt!"
******
15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a
particularly windy and bumpy day:
During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After
an extremely hard landing,
the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo.
Please remain in your seats with
your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane
to the gate!"
******
16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We
ask you to please remain seated
as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
******
17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered
his ship into the runway really hard. The
airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door
while the Passengers exited, smile,
and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that, in light of
his bad landing, he had a hard
time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a
smart comment. Finally everyone had
gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said,
"Sonny, mind if I ask you a question"
"Why no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it" The little old lady said, "Did
we land or were we shot down"
******
18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came
on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please
remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the
aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate.
And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced,
we'll open the door and you can pick your
way through the wreckage to the terminal."
******
19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank
you folks for flying with us today. And,
the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a
pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think
of US Airways."
******
20. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a
comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an
announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain
speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los
Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth
and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed
and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said,
"Ladies and gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but, while I
was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the
hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in
Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine !! |
