Q: How do you get an Irishman to climb on the roof?
A: Tell him that the drinks are on the house
Q: What's the difference between a dead lawyer lying in the
road and a dead skunk lying in the road?
A: There are skid marks in the road in front of the skunk.
Three friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise the necessary funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. He asked his mother to go and ask the friars to get out of business. They ignored her too. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to persuade them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close their shop. Terrified they did so, thereby proving that.....
Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
birthdays 5/6
1915 - Orson Welles, Kenosha Wisc, actor (Citizen Kane, War of the Worlds)
1931 - Willie Mays, baseball centerfielder, "Say Hey Kid" (660 HRs, MVP 1954)
1961 - George Clooney, Lexington KY, actor (Dr Douglas Ross-ER, Batman)
events 5/7
1915--LUSITANIA SUNK
1945--GERMANY SURRENDERS UNCONDITIONALLY TO ALLIES--
birthdays
1840 - Peter Il'yich Tchaikovsky, Votkinsk Rus, composer (1812 Overture) [NS]
1933 - Johnny Unitas, NFL QB (Balt Colts, San Diego); one of the greats
1946 - Bill Kreutzmann, drummer (Grateful Dead)
birthdays 5/8...
1940 - Ricky Nelson, NJ, rock star (Hello Mary Lou, It's Late, Garden Party)
1942 - Euclid "Motorhead" Sherwood, rocker (Mothers Of Invention)
1955 - Alex Van Halen, Nijmegen Neth, rock drummer (Van Halen-1984, Jump)
birthdays 5/9...
1914 - Hank Snow, Nova Scotia Canada, country singer (I Went to Your Wedding)
1918 - Mike Wallace, Brookline Mass, newscaster (Biography, 60 Minutes)
1946 - Candice Bergen, Beverly Hills, actr (Carnal Knowledge, Murphy Brown)
A woman was trying hard to get the catsup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her four-year old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the preacher, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she added., "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."
My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd
dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago."
Barbara Walters had done a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War, and she noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands. She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives. Ms. Walters approached one of the women for an explanation. "This is marvelous," she said. "What enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?" The Kuwaiti woman replied, "Land mines."
Church Bulletin Bloopers:
1. "Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children."
2. "Ushers will eat latecomers."
3. "The Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done."
4. "The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning."
5. "The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession."
6. "Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 PM. Please use the back door."
7. "Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary."
8. "The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment."
9. "The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience."
10. "The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, 'Break Forth Into Joy.'"
11. "Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on 'It's a Terrible Experience'."
12. "Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice."
13. "Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM. Please use large double door at the side entrance."
14. "Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community."
15. "The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy."
16. "A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday."
17. "Today's Sermon: 'How Much Can a Man Drink?' with hymns from a full choir."
18. On a church bulletin during the minister's illness: "God is good - Dr. Hargreaves is better."
19. "Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow."
20. "The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church."
21. "Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones."
22. "The choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir."
Things on Robert Blake's To-Do List
~ Cancel upcoming FOX Celebrity Boxing match against Paul Michael Glaser.
~ See if Huggy Bear knows what's going down on the street.
~ Plant bullet casings at Spanky McFarland's house.
~ Try to decipher that voice mail in which O.J. suggests I "play with a race car."
~ Have Darla and Alfalfa start a lemonade stand to raise bail money.
~ Cancel "Anyone want to kill my wife?" ad placed in "Soldier of Fortune."
~ Kick Kato out of the guest house.
~ Set the TiVo to record "Survivor" for the next 10-25 years.
~ Apply Chapstick. Kiss Johnnie Cochran's ass.
~ Rethink future bridal registry at Chuck's House of Guns.
~ Do the time, 'cause I've done the crime.
~ Enlist friends Starsky, Hutch, and Rockford to find the real killers.
~ Line up a bird-sitter for the next 50-70 years.
~ Put a rush on that order for stainless steel underwear.
~ Sprinkle O.J.'s blood all over the crime lab kit.
Pirate Pick-Up Lines........
~ "I must be huntin' treasure, 'cause I'm diggin' yer chest."
~ "Ya certainly put the shiver in me timber."
~ "See this hook? Variable speed with five alternate attachments, Baby."
~ "Nice poop deck on ya, lassie. Care fer a swabbin'?"
~ "Avast, me pretty! Strike your panties and prepare to be boarded."
~ "I've hidden booty all over the Caribbean -- but never have I seen one like yours!"
~ "That's NOT my parrot talking, Sweetie!"
~ "That's a lovely pair of 8-pounders you have there."
~ "My peg-leg's ribbed for your pleasure."
~ "Why not climb my main mast and I'll visit your crow's nest."
My husband and I had just finished tucking our five young ones into bed one evening when we heard sobbing coming from three-year-old Billy's room. Rushing to his side, we found him crying hysterically. He had accidentally swallowed a penny and was sure he was going to die. No amount of talking could change his mind. Desperate to calm him, my husband palmed a penny that he happened to have in his pocket and pretended to pull it from Billy's ear. Billy was delighted. In a flash, he snatched it from my husband's hand, swallowed it and demanded cheerfully, "Do it again, Dad!"
have a great weekend...
good fortune...
pops |
