Houston
we have a problem!
call 911
Sex enhancers' competition gives rise to ridicule
by Margery Eagan
Thursday, May 30, 2002
At some point one has to ask: When is enough enough? How many sexual enhancers does the average American male require?
However many that may be, he's soon to have two more - something called Cialis by Lilly and Vardenafil by Bayer, the aspirin people. That's in addition to the famous blue pill, Viagra, which is now being pitched, incredibly, by slugger Rafael Palmeiro of the Texas Rangers.
``I take batting practice (over 450 home runs),'' the youthful star announces in his full-page, come-hither Viagra ads. One just ran in the staid New York Times.
``I take infield practice (three Gold Gloves).''
``I take Viagra. . .
``Let's just say. . .it works. . .for me.''
``He's lying,'' an incensed colleague protested yesterday, crushed at the notion that a full-muscled baseball hero, a Latino, for God's sake, a certifiable stud, as it were, would require any assistance in that regard. (Steroids after-effect, perhaps?)
But clearly what's going on here, as one would-be ad genius put it yesterday, ``is a repositioning of the product. We're not talking your daddy's Viagra. We're not talking post-surgical or dread disease sexual dysfunction. Or even Bob Dole.''
Remember? ``Bob Dole,'' as he refers to himself, lost an election without an erection. If ``Bob Dole'' had had an erection in the election, ``Bob Dole'' might have won the election over the erection machine out of Arkansas. Yours truly noted all this when ``Bob Dole'' became Viagra's first satisfied pitchman, and a horrified wife Elizabeth fled for her life.
``But what we're talking with these new drugs,'' the ad guy went on yesterday, ``is optimal performance. Enhancement. That extra edge. Why not an edge there, too?''
And so billions are about to be made off male ``edge'' insecurity.
The erection wars are here.
The American male must decide. Does he want high octane, or just regular unleaded? Heineken, or Bud? Viagra, which takes an hour to work and keeps its punch for 12 to 24 hours, or Ciasil, which slips into gear in a mere 16 minutes and keeps on kicking for 36 hours? A-little-dab'll-do-you experience? Plop, plop, fizz, fizz and voila: an entire lost weekend?
``Now, when you say lasts (for 36 hours), I want to just clear up, delicately, what you mean. . .lasts.''
Some of us heard Diane Sawyer say that Tuesday morning during a ``Good Morning America'' blonde-a-thon featuring the leggy Sawyer (spectacular as she slides toward 60) and the equally arresting 30-something sexperts: famous Dr. Laura (sex therapist) Berman and sister Dr. Jennifer (urologist) Berman.
(They're the ones who used to be at Boston University. They're now in California, of course, and once told an interviewer they were very comfortable talking about sex in exquisite detail because Daddy was a colorectal surgeon and Mother talked endlessly about bodily functions).
Anyway, said Dr. Jennifer to Diane on Tuesday, ``It's good you brought that up (the lasts issue, that is). . . It (does) require sexual stimulation to be effective. You don't just walk around erect, you know, for 36 hours.''
Surely we can all be relieved Diane Sawyer straightened that out.
You know, since Viagra came on the market in 1998, pill sales have soared to $1.6 billion a year. Manufacturer Pfizer claims 44 million prescriptions were written in the United States alone, 13 million worldwide. Most insurance companies cover four $10 pills a month.
Meanwhile, Viagra 2 for women remains in the ``potential'' phase, Dr. Laura said Tuesday. And most insurance companies probably won't pay for it when it does get somewhere since they're still fighting over covering birth control.
Neither Sawyer, the Bermans nor Palmeiro addressed the age-old question: How does an exhausted wife of a drugged-up aging sex god feel about her partner's endless demands? And when, if ever, are couples old enough to retire from action gracefully?
But we have learned this: For maximum effect, do not take potency pills after a high-fat meal, like a burger and fries. They won't work as well. On rare occasions, they work too well. Pfizer solemnly warns: If your erection lasts for more than four hours, call 911.
Margery Eagan's radio show airs noon to 1 p.m. on 96.9 FM-Talk. |
