FLORIDA: THE NEW CHOICE FOR THE LAND OF THE FRUITS AND NUTS
miami.com
Posted on Sun, Jun. 09, 2002
CARL HIAASEN
First draft needs tweaks on content, facts, title
(An absolutely true news item: Florida Secretary of State Katherine Harris, now a candidate for Congress, is writing a book about her controversial role in the 2000 presidential election.)
Dear Katherine,
The first draft is terrific! All of us here at Delusional Press are thrilled to be working with such an exciting new talent.
We do have a few minor editing suggestions, however, that might better serve to underscore your diligence and objectivity during this turbulent episode in American politics.
To begin with, we're not entirely comfortable with any of your proposed titles, which I will discuss in order of stated preference.
"Tell Al Gore To Kiss My Smokin' Hot Chad" is too wordy to fit on the book's cover. Also, the tone is a bit brash for our conservative readership.
While your second choice, "Recount, Shmecount!" has a nice wry ring to it, the title struck some of us as flippant, considering the heavy historic event about which you're writing.
Of all the titles you suggested, by far the catchiest is "How I Saved America". Unfortunately, the folks in marketing feel that it could scare off potential readers who might mistake the book for a gloating and self-aggrandizing political tract, which of course it isn't!
So, we all put our noggins together and came up with what we believe is a positive, inspiring title: Center of the Storm: Practicing Principled Leadership in Times of Crisis.
What do you say, Katherine, does that reach out and grab you by the tonsils, or what? Think Churchill during the Blitzkrieg. Or maybe Reagan during Grenada.
Now, let's move on to your manuscript, which needs only a little tweaking: Our copy editors have noted that you refer to former Vice President Gore as ''a drip'' (pages 13, 27, 88, 92, 107, 185, 310-376), ''a dweeb'' (pp. 14, 44, 98-107, 224, 288, 410) and ''a whiny Ivy League wimp'' (pp. 1, 5, 9, 55, 67, 71, 123, 144, 233, and throughout the epilogue).
For consistency, we should settle on a single pejorative name for Gore. Personally, I'd say that ''drip'' covers a lot of territory and still gets your point across. No more than a half-dozen references are probably sufficient.
Similarly, some of us remain uneasy with your frequent characterizations of the Bush brothers as ''godlike'' (pp. 46, 75, 221, 388), ''heroic'' (pp. 1, 32, 113, 150, 244) and ''saintly'' (pp. 28, 67, 183, 209-214). Let's consider toning down those sections. Same goes for the dream sequence in which Jeb appears as a golden unicorn, ``his rippled flanks glistening in the moonlight.''
There's some interesting writing there, to be sure, but it's best saved for a different book.
Look, we're not trying to be sticks in the mud. Nor would we ever seek to dilute your deeply felt convictions about what happened during the presidential election.
Still, we are in the business of selling books. Thus you can understand our disquiet to see the term ''left-leaning Metamucil heads'' (page 169) applied to the Palm Beach County retirees who mistakenly cast ballots for Pat Buchanan instead of Gore. That group, according to our calculations, represents 6,000 to 10,000 voters who won't likely be lining up to purchase your opus, no matter what the title.
So, exactly who is your potential audience? Good question, Katherine, and one we've been asking ourselves daily here at the publishing house.
Market surveys tell us that most people would rather undergo amateur liposuction than read another word about the 2000 presidential election. This aversion seems to cut broadly across party lines.
Our target customer base seems further limited because Gore actually outpolled your candidate by more than 500,000 votes nationwide -- a fact only recently unearthed by our crack research department.
But don't fret for even a moment. Our sales force loves a challenge!
You recently inquired about advance orders, and I do have some figures to report. So far, 537 customers have pre-purchased your book online -- coincidentally, the exact number that was George W's disputed margin of victory in your home state.
While that doesn't seem like many sales, we suspect that thousands of readers got you confused with another famous Harris (Thomas, in this case) and accidentally ordered Hannibal instead.
We are confident that we'll get this sorted out soon. Amazon, unlike the bureaucracy of Florida, is quite agreeable to recounts.
Meanwhile, take a look at the manuscript changes we've suggested, and try not to worry about the best-seller lists. As you know better than anyone, Katherine, numbers never tell the whole story. |
