friday funnies...
interesting stuff...
Human teeth are almost as hard as rocks!
A mole can dig a tunnel 300 feet long in just one night!
Ancient Egyptians slept on pillows made of stone!
A hippo can open its mouth wide enough to fit a 4 foot tall child inside!
A quarter has 119 grooves on its edge, a dime has one less groove!
A hummingbird weighs less than a penny!
Until 1796, there was a state in the United States called Franklin. Today it's known as Tennessee!
The placement of a donkey's eyes in its head enables it to see all four feet at all times!
One in every 4 Americans has appeared on television!
The average American/Canadian will eat about 11.9 pounds of cereal per year!
The state of Florida is bigger than England!
There are more than one million animal species on Earth!
In Natoma, Kansas, it's illegal to throw knives at men wearing striped suits.
It was once against the law to have a pet dog in a city in Iceland!
Your heart beats over 100,000 times a day!
Thomas Edison, lightbulb inventor, was afraid of the dark!
Mom's Laundry Rules...
Pajamas -- Do not put pajamas in the dirty clothes after only one wear. It is a scientific fact that you do not get dirty while you sleep. Pajamas can be worn many times before they smell bad enough to warrant being thrown in the dirty clothes. Exception: You may put pajamas in the dirty clothes if you throw up on them or something else that may be deemed disgusting, but only if they stink.
Socks -- Unroll your socks before putting them in the dirty clothes. Otherwise, I will start washing and drying them in their original rolled up little balls. Special note: Unroll socks before throwing them down the laundry chute. If you don't, the law of physics causes them to bounce off the washer and land behind the washer or drying, and Mom is getting to old to crawl back there and fish them out.
Clothes Hung Up -- Clean clothes can be easily removed from the clothes bar by gently lifting up on the hanger and pulling towards you. The clean item can now be removed from the hanger for wearing. The wrong way to remove clean clothes is to YANK on one corner of garment. This causes the hanger to go flying around the clothes bar, scratching
the wall and becoming impossibly entangled with the neighboring hangers. Special note: This makes Mom want to choke children. So far, she has been able to refrain from this action.
Dirty Clothes Rule -- If you have made the decision to put something in the dirty clothes, do not later decide that you, for some reason, now
need to retrieve it by digging through the clothes baskets, leaving behind a mess that looks like a small tornado whipped through the laundry room, leaving a scene of devastation in its wake. Special note: The only thing worse than having to put stinking clothes in the laundry baskets is having to do it over and over and over.
Pockets -- Check your own pockets before you put dirty items (again, make sure they are dirty first) in the laundry room. Have you ever tried to pick tiny pieces of white paper off an entire load of dark clothes? No? I thought not! But the next time this occurs, you will have the pleasure of this experience. Special note: In the future, all money found in pockets becomes the property of the laundry-doer, and that most assuredly will be Mom, who hopes to be able to save up for a Caribbean cruise, which she will go on alone. She has heard that you don't have to
do laundry while you are on a cruise!
Folded Clothes Rule -- When those clean clothes miraculously appear on your bed or chair, graciously thank the saintly person who lovingly placed them there and PUT THEM AWAY! Special note: Failure to do this in the future will result in a generous contribution to the Goodwill.
General Dirty Clothes Rule -- If they aren't dirty, why the heck are they in the laundry room? Put them back in your closet or drawers. When you decide to try something on and decide that it will not make the fashion statement you were looking for that particular day, think twice before you make that conscious decision that it is easier to throw the
item in the dirty clothes rather than hanging it back up. Again, the Goodwill would love to have these items, as their fashion standards must not be as high as yours.
Laundry Sharing -- In the future, each of you will be required to do one load of laundry a week. Instructions will be provided. Mom feels that the joy of this household chore should be shared, and she has been very selfish about this in the past. She also feels that this is a necessary life skill, and without it, you may not ever want to leave
home. This would not be in the best interest of your parents.
more stuff...
In a deck of playing cards, the king of hearts is the only king without a mustache.
Reindeer like to eat bananas.
The crayfish isn't a fish at all it is related to the lobster.
Your thumb is about the same length as your nose. (i have a green thumb. does that mean i have a green nose)
A garter snake can give birth to 85 babies.
America's first minimum wage was 25 cents an hour back in 1938.
Yo-yos were used as weapons by warriors in the Philippines in the 16th century.
real places where you can go:
Shafter California
Beaver Oklahoma (i'm going to Climax after i find Beaver)
Shitlingthorpe Yorkshire, UK
Bastard Norway
Twatt Orkney, UK
Muff Northern Ireland
Wankie Zimbabwe
Climax Colorado
Nobber Donegal, Ireland
Lickey End West Midlands, UK
Lord Berkeley's Knob Sutherland, Scotland
Fukum (Yemen) boy there sure are some funny town names in some of these countries eh?
Back in the cowboy days, a westbound wagon train was lost and low on food. No other humans had been seen for days. And then they saw an old Jew sitting beneath a tree. The leader rushed to him and said, "We're lost and running out of food. Is there someplace ahead where we can get food?
"Vell," the old Jew said, "I vouldn't go up dat hill und down other side. Somevun told me you'll run into a big bacon tree.""A bacon tree?" asked the wagon train leader.
"Yah, ah bacon tree. Trust me. For nuttin vud I lie." The leader goes back and tells his people that if nothing else, they might be able to find food on the other side of the next ridge. "So why did he say not to go there?" some pioneers asked. "Oh, you know those Jews -- they don't eat bacon." So the wagon train goes up the hill and down the other side. Suddenly, indians attack and massacre everyone
except the leader, who manages to escape back to the old Jew, who's enjoying a "glassel tea." The near-dead man starts shouting. "You fool! You sent us to our deaths! We followed your instructions, but there was no bacon tree. Just hundreds of Indians, who killed everyone." The old Jew holds up his hand and says "Oy, vait a minute." He then gets out an English-Yiddish dictionary, and begins thumbing through it. "Gevalt, I made myself ah big mistake. It vuz not a bacon tree,it vuz a ham bush!
and finally...
Subject: Baby Boomers...
36 Years makes a Difference!
1966 ROADTRIP
2002 ROADRAGE
1966 LONG HAIR
2002 LONGING FOR HAIR
1966 THE PERFECT HIGH
2002 THE PERFECT HIGH YIELD MUTUAL FUND
1966 KEG
2002 EKG
1966 ACID ROCK
2002 ACID REFLUX
1966 MOVING TO CALIFORNIA BECAUSE IT'S COOL
2002 MOVING TO CALIFORNIA BECAUSE IT'S WARM
1966 GROWING POT
2002 GROWING POT BELLY
1966 TRYING TO LOOK LIKE MARLON BRANDO OR LIZ TAYLOR
2002 TRYING NOT TO LOOK LIKE MARLON BRANDO OR LIZ TAYLOR
1966 SEEDS AND STEMS
2002 ROUGHAGE
1966 POPPING PILLS, SMOKING JOINT
2002 POPPING JOINTS
1966 KILLER WEED
2002 WEED KILLER
1966 HOPING FOR BMW
2002 HOPING FOR BM
1966 THE GRATEFUL DEAD
2002 DR. KERVORKIAN
1966 GOING TO A NEW, HIP JOINT
2002 RECEIVING A NEW HIP JOINT
1966 ROLLING STONES
2002 KIDNEY STONES
1966 BEING CALLED INTO THE PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE
2002 CALLING THE PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE
1966 SCREW THE SYSTEM
2002 UPGRADE THE SYSTEM
1966 DISCO
2002 COSTCO
19662 PARENTS BEGGING YOU TO GET YOUR HAIR CUT
2002 CHILDREN BEGGING YOU TO GET THEIR HEADS SHAVED
1966 TAKING ACID
2002 TAKING ANTACID
1966 PASSING THE DRIVER'S TEST
2002 PASSING THE VISION TEST
1966 WHATEVER
2002 DEPENDS
good fortune...
pops
compiled and edited:
Copyright Stock Den Digest© 2002 |
