friday funnies
stoopid joke of the week:
A really big, strong sailor from a big city visits a fancy shoe store in Miami, Florida for the first time. He really likes the fancy alligator shoes in the display window. He asks the salesman about the price. When the salesman says $400, he says "!@#$@*! For that much, I will catch my own gator". Later, after work, the Salesman is driving home to the suburbs of Miami and sees the sailor pulling on a large
rope, dragging something. When the salesman stops, he sees the sailor untying a large alligator and going back down the bank into the swamp. A few minutes later, the sailor pulls an even larger alligator out of the swamp. Then the sailor wraps his huge arms around the alligator and rolls it over, and breaks out cursing again, "*@#$! This gator doesn't have shoes either!!!"
The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer - who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket - went in to try out for the job. "Okay," the sheriff drawled "Gomer, what is 1 and 1?" "11" he replied. The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but he's right." "What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?" "Today and tomorrow." He was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself. "Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?" Gomer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know." "Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?" So, Gomer wandered over to the barbershop where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Gomer was exultant, "It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"
A third grade teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence. Molly said, "My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating." The teacher said That was good, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate". Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the Statue of Liberty and I was fascinated." The teacher said, "Well, that was good, Sally, but I want the word "fascinate". Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Johnny was noted for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate", so she called on him. Johnny said, "My sister has a sweater with ten buttons but her tits are so big, she can only fasten eight." The teacher fainted.
A professor was one day walking along a very narrow street when he came face to face with a rival. The street was too narrow for two to pass. The rival, pulling himself up to his full height, said haughtily "I never make way for fools!" Smiling, the professor stepped aside and said, "I always do."
"Why aren't you married yet?"...
-You haven't asked yet.
-I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life.
-Because I just love hearing this question.
-Just lucky, I guess.
-My fiancé is awaiting his/her parole.
-It didn't seem worth a blood test.
-I already have enough laundry to do, thank you.
-Because I think it would take all the spontaneity out of dating.
-I'd have to forfeit my billion-dollar trust fund.
-They just opened a great singles bar on my block.
-What? And lose all the money I've invested in running personal ads?
-We really want to, but my lover's spouse just won't go for it.
-I don't want to have to support another person on my paycheck.
-Why aren't you thin?
-I'm married to my career, although recently we have been considering a trial separation.
-(For Single Mothers) Because having a husband and a child would be redundant.
Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.
Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.
Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?
When Reality Sets In...
1. Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age
and start bragging about it.
2. Don't let anyone tell you you're getting old. Squash their toes with
your rocker.
3. The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
4. Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me. I want people
to know why I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the
roads weren't paved.
5. Maturity means being emotionally and mentally healthy. It is that
time when you know when to say yes and when to say no, and when to say
WHOOPEE!
6. How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are? Think
about it!
7. When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think
of Algebra.
8. You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
9. I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
10. The golden years are really just metallic years, gold in the tooth,
silver in your hair, and lead in the rear.
11. Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the
age of 80 and gradually approach 18.
12. One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is
such a nice change from being young. One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.
13. Age seldom arrives smoothly or quickly. It is more often a succession of jerks.
14. Yeah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
15. Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled, and
blind they don't recognize you.
16. If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to
laugh at when you are old.
AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST
17. First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to
pull your zipper up, then you forget to pull your zipper down.
You know you are addicted to coffee if ...
-You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
-You sleep with your eyes open.
-You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
-The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
-You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
-You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.
-Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
-You chew on other people's fingernails.
-The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
-You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.
-You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.
-You can jump-start your car without cables.
-You don't sweat, you percolate.
-You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.
-You answer the door before people knock.
-Instant coffee takes too long.
and finally...
A mother took her little boy to church.
While in church the little boy said, "Mommy, I have to
pee."
The mother said to the little boy, "It's not appropriate
to say the word 'pee' in church. So, from now on whenever
you have to 'pee' just tell me that you have to 'whisper'."
The following Sunday, the little boy went to church with
his Father and during the service said to his father,
"Daddy, I have to whisper."
The Father looked at him and said, "Okay, why don't you
whisper in my ear."
enjoy the weekend...
good fortune...
pops
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