Off topic : NYT -- Dating Mr. Right Next Door.
July 25, 2002
Dating Mr. Right Next Door
By KIMBERLY STEVENS
WHEN Liz Cohen spotted Jimmy Hausman in the hallway of her
building, her first reaction was to duck and hide. "I
really had no interest in getting to know him," she said.
"I thought he was a big dork."
Ms. Cohen, a 31-year-old publicist, had moved back into the
building where she had grown up, the Newport, on East 76th
Street, after the death of her father. She had already met
Mr. Hausman, a 31-year-old lawyer whom she had called "the
frat boy from hell" on several occasions. But when Mr.
Hausman, who lived down the hall, sent her a particularly
sensitive sympathy note about her father, she began to
reassess.
After a wild party she gave at Indochine, they ended up at
her apartment, where in a scene worthy of "Seinfeld," Mr.
Hausman was discovered in a closet by Ms. Cohen's mother.
"After my mother kicked him out, I grabbed my pillow and my
blanket and walked down the hall to his place," Ms. Cohen
said. "We've been together ever since."
The thought of dating someone who lives in the same
building is enough to send some singles not down the hall
but screaming into the streets. It's so radical not even
the women on "Sex and the City" have tried it. Because if
the relationship ends badly, that will be the end of
privacy in the building. There is no town smaller, or more
gossip-ridden, than a New York high-rise.
But considering that the 2000 census showed that 57 percent
of the people over the age of 15 in New York City were
single (for Manhattan, it was 65 percent), there is no harm
in starting close to home.
Every doorman and elevator operator becomes a potential
matchmaker, and casual conversations in the lobby and
laundry room can be as effective as those at a bar, and
probably less stressful, because you already have so much
to talk about: the co-op board, the super, the erratic
heat.
Any chance meeting in the elevator or the hall can be
transformed into a "Breakfast at Tiffany's" moment. And
dating the woman in 12B can be as reassuring as it is
romantic; after all, 12B has passed the same credit check,
and - big one - it's so easy to go home after a date.
Love, apartment-building style, comes with its own
anxieties: running into a love interest when you are with
someone else, bumping into a potential date in the laundry
room before you've had coffee or brushed your teeth,
encountering someone attractive when you've just run out in
a dirty T-shirt to pick up the paper. And there is that
moment of horror when you realize that the person you are
kissing actually lives across the hall - and, no matter
what happens, you are bound to see him or her again.
Certain Manhattan buildings have achieved a special status,
or reputations, as singles dens: The Dorchester at 155 West
68th Street (known around town as the Dormchester), the
Archive at 666 Greenwich Street in the West Village (where
Monica Lewinsky resides), 800 Fifth (where you meet young
investment bankers) and, a well-known hotbed of dating
activity, the Normandy Court at 90th Street and Third
Avenue, nicknamed the Dormandy Court.
According to Kenneth Henyan, the building manager at the
Normandy Court, its health club, for tenants only, has 850
members. "It makes sense that people are socializing and
dating," he said. "But these are working professionals. If
you're interested in meeting someone, it's best to come
between 6 and 8 in the morning, or after 8:30 at night."
As more new apartment buildings compete for renters by
expanding their amenities - high-end gyms, pools,
entertainment lounges, roof decks and communal gardens are
now common - more singles spend time in their buildings,
and inevitably meet each other.
A longtime doorman in a building at 72nd Street and
Columbus Avenue says that more flirting and posturing goes
on in the lobby than in a bar nearby. "All the singles in
the building are very aware of each other, and they often
ask me pretty personal questions about each other," he
said. "I don't know if I'd call myself a matchmaker," he
added shyly. "But I know what's going on. One of the best
things about me is I'm discreet about this sort of thing."
He gives dating tips and advice, and introduces the people
in his building.
A quiet doorman can be a font of information on marital
status, drinking habits, jobs, dating preferences, family
background and favorite takeout foods. (Anyone looking for
a single man or woman in their building would be advised to
follow the trail of empty pizza boxes and Chinese-takeout
containers.)
"I get tons of information from my doorman," said Julien
Libaire, a 26-year-old bond trader who lives near the
financial district. "But I'm lucky - he only tips off the
people he likes." Mr. Libaire, who has dated three women in
his building, acknowledges that there can be a downside if
the relationship goes south. He has not yet recovered from
his most recent breakup with a woman neighbor even though
he did not consider the relationship serious. "I cringe
every time the elevator stops at a certain floor," he said.
"She isn't thrilled with me."
Despite such outcomes, it may be worth throwing caution to
the wind. "We all think we are supposed to rid our lives of
moments of awkwardness, but I don't think anyone wants a
life that is vanilla-pudding smooth," said Wendy Paris, a
relationship specialist and author of "Happily Ever After:
The Fairy Tale Formula for Lasting Love" (HarperCollins
2002).
For one thing, the thrill of the chase may mean you are
putting a little more effort into your appearance while you
are in the building. "It's why high school was so exciting
for many people," Ms. Paris said. "There was a heightened
sense of romance in a closed community. The same exists
when you are dating someone at the office or dating someone
in your apartment building."
Then again, if you live in a co-op and you have a bad
breakup, you may feel you are repeating freshman year, over
and over.
In the view of John Foreman, a vice president of the
Halstead Property Company, "It's as easy to meet someone in
an apartment you own as one you rent, but if you break up,
a rental is a lot easier to get out of."
Which is why Bob Peterson kept his apartment while dating
Audré Allen. It was close to 20 years ago when Ms. Allen
let Mr. Peterson use the dryer first in the laundry room of
her building in Tudor City.
"I remember it so clearly because he went up to his
apartment to take something out of the oven and brought a
few beers back," she said. They eased into dating,
eventually moved in together and finally were married. "I
think Bob was definitely relieved that he held on to his
apartment," she said. "There were some rocky times. He
moved his grandfather clock into my apartment, and once
when we had a huge fight, and I kicked him out, I made him
carry the clock back to his apartment. Everyone in the
building knew what was going on."
Ms. Allen advises lonely singles to forget the cleaning
lady and do their own laundry.
Copyright 2002 The New York Times Company |
