Following Tuesday's announcement that the Pentagon had closed the controversial Office of Strategic Influence, which allegedly was created to spread false information abroad, the agency said it has been unable to convince OSI employees to stop reporting for work.
"Every time I say 'Go home,' they just nudge me in the ribs," Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld said of the OSI staff.
"We got ya, sir, we're 'closed'," said a winking Major Chad Brumley when Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld found him at his desk again today. "There is no one here spreading misinformation now, and certainly there won't be anyone here spreading misinformation daily from 8 a.m. to 5 p.m. Sir."
"How was that?" the major added in a whisper.
Rubbing his temples, a clearly frustrated Rumsfeld attempted to explain to Brumley and other staffers that the office really had been shut down. "Listen people, with all the reports circulating that we were going to use the OSI to spread false news, we had no choice but to close. So please, everyone, go home."
"Yes sir, we're gone, sir. No one here at all, sir!" responded information specialist Lt. Alice Ball, who then turned back to her computer.
"Look, you're not getting this," said Rumsfeld.
"Yes sir, we don't get it, sir," Ball replied. "There is no getting here, sir. We don't do getting, and if asked, we never have, sir."
Rumsfeld then turned to Undersecretary of Defense Douglas Feith, who had been in charge of the office. "I don't understand," said Feith, shrugging. "I sent out a memo about the closure. Didn't you people get the memo?"
"Yes sir! By which we mean, of course, no sir!" Brumley answered.
"Well, what did you do with it?" asked Feith.
"We translated it into 46 languages, and sent it to journalists in 102 nations, sir. We also had our bombers drop leaflets about it across the Middle East, sir!" said Ball.
"You didn't," said Rumsfeld, wincing.
"Oh... right, we didn't sir, no sir!" said Ball. "We did not do that, sir. Nor are we having it continually broadcast from Special Operations aircraft, nor will we be having it planted on so-called 'objective news' sites across the Internet. Corporal Jennings will be 'not' be handling that end of it. Sir!"
Exasperated, Rumsfeld finally commanded the staff to stop what it was doing. "Listen up, all of you! This is not a joke, all right? Leave now and do not come back! That's an order!"
In the stunned silence that followed, a crestfallen Corporal Jennings approached the Defense Secretary. "You... you mean it, sir? We really are closed? You're not, you know, putting us on?"
"No, I am not kidding," Rumsfeld said patiently. "You really are closed."
"And the U.S. government really is not interested in propagating lies," Feith added.
With that, a wave of relief suddenly washed over the room. "Oh good one, sir!" said Brumley as the office erupted in laughter. "You really had us going there, sir!"
"We never should have started this," muttered Rumsfeld, throwing up his hands and walking out.
"Ooo ingenious, sir," said Brumley. "Jennings, new disinformation! The OSI wasn't 'closed,'. We never even opened!"
"Yes sir, I won't get to work on that right away, sir!"
satirewire.com
Bowing to international pressure not to act unilaterally, the United States reversed course today and promised to consult with its allies before doing whatever the hell it was going to do anyway.
"Prior to taking action against any enemy nation, such as Iraq, we will confer with our allies, as well as other countries in that region," pledged U.S. President George W. Bush. "We will sit down with them. We will begin by explaining what our position is, and then we will... no, wait. That's it."
The announcement failed to assuage world leaders, who worry the U.S. will lead them all into a wider conflict without their consent. Bush, however, said his administration was well aware of international concerns, and would handle them internally.
Except for effect, the administration said its new stance overturns earlier, much-maligned statements insisting America would act unilaterally, if necessary, to oust enemy regimes. But the President said he recently was shown a new perspective by Secretary of State Colin Powell, who is generally regarded as a check on the administration's hawks.
"Colin Powell told me that acting alone was not in our long-term interests because, as he put it, 'No man is an island,'" Bush recalled. "Of course, I pointed out that America is a nation, not a man, and that lots of nations are islands, so I didn't really 'get' his argument. But I do like to say 'Colin Powell' whenever I talk about foreign affairs because it makes me look diplomatic."
European Union external affairs chief Chris Patten, however, was not appeased. "What's the point of even talking to your allies if your mind is already made up?" he asked. "It's little more than feel-good lip service."
Replied Bush: "Colin Powell."
German Foreign Minister Joschka Fischer, meanwhile, was one of several voices calling for restraint. "We are all concerned that Saddam Hussein is developing weapons of mass destruction, but the international coalition against terror has no carte blanche for an invasion of any country," Fischer insisted.
In response, Bush said "Colin Powell," and added that his staff has a solution.
"We've created a one-page form that allows us to declare war on Iraq for you," he explained. "It really streamlines the consensus process for everyone."
"That is not consensus!" Fischer railed. "That is worse!"
Answered Bush: "Oh, in that case, just Colin Powell." |
