>> Why are some rich and others poor? Because some steal and some are honest, but stupid.<<
A few of the following jokes which a friend (one Goldstein who has no posting privileges) asked me to post will give you some idea why and how some folks get rich:-
The Priest And The Rabbi
A priest and a rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train.
After a while, the priest put down his book and opened a conversation by saying, "I know that, in your religion, you're not supposed to eat pork... but have you really never even tasted it?"
The rabbi closed his newspaper and responded, "I must tell you the truth.
Yes I have, on the odd occasion."
The rabbi had his turn of interrogation. He asked, "I know that in your religion, you're supposed to be celibate... but..."
The priest interjected, "Yes, I know what you are going to ask, and yes, I have succumbed to temptation once or twice."
The two resumed their reading. There was silence for a while.
Then the rabbi peeked around his newspaper and said, "Better than pork, isn't it?!"
===============================================================
The school teacher’s prize
An ageing school teacher, who was also a born again Christian, sorely missed the good old days of teaching when she could preach from the Bible and lead in school prayers.
She was alarmed at how little her students knew about religion & decided since it was her last year of teaching, she was going to disregard the new strictures & teach religion anyway. So, she announced to her class that she would have a contest each day. On the first day she told the students she would give £25 to the student who could first tell her who was the greatest man who ever lived. Immediately Moishe began to wave his hand, but she ignored the Jewish student in favour of those in her Sunday school class.
As she went around the room, she was disappointed with the answers. Kathy, her best Bible scholar had picked Noah because he saved all the animals. Finally she picked on her rowdiest student in exasperation. "I think the greatest man who ever lived was Alexander the Great because he conquered the whole world!" "I think it was Thomas Edison, because he invented the light bulb," shone the brightest student. Finally, in resignation, she called on Moishe who was still wildly waving his hand.
"I think the greatest man who ever lived was Jesus Christ" offered Moishe. The teacher was shocked & doled out the £25 reward to Moishe as she said: "Well, Moishe I'm very surprised that you should be the one with the right answer!"
"Well, personally," Moishe replied as he pocketed the money, "I think it was Moses, but business is business."
=====================================================================================
The beggars
Two beggars are sitting on a park bench in Ireland. One is holding a cross and one a Star of David.
Both are holding hats to collect contributions. People walk by, lift their noses at the man with the Star of David and drop money in the hat held by the man with the cross. Soon the hat of the man with the cross is filled and the hat of the man with the Star of David is empty.
A priest watches and then approaches the men. He turns to the man with the Star of David and says: "Young man. Don't you realize that this is a Christian country? You'll never get any contributions in this country holding a Star of David."
The man with the Star of David turns to the man with the cross and says: "Moishe, look who's trying to teach us Marketing!!
=================================================================================
The loan
A Chassidic Jew walks into a New York bank, and says he's going to Europe for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.
For collateral, he offers his new Rolls Royce. The bank is satisfied and parks it in their secured underground garage. Two weeks later to the day, the Chassidic Jew returns to the bank, repays the $5,000 and interest of $15.41. The loan officer says inquiringly, "Sir, we were delighted to have your business but, in checking your credit, we learned you are a multimillionaire. Why ever did you need to borrow $5,000?"
"Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeks for $15.41
================================================================================
The dog
A little old lady get on an El Al flight to Israel.
Besides a bag and a purse, she's carrying a little dog in a box. She sits down in her seat and places the box on the seat next to her. A stewardess approaches and says "I'm sorry Madam, but you can't keep the dog here. I'll have to take it and put it in baggage."
What can she do? The little old lady agrees. Before the flight ends, the stewardess decides to look in on the little dog, and oh my God! The dog is dead! She notifies the pilot who notifies the Tel Aviv airport and they reach the director who decides that they will get an other dog to replace this one. The little old lady will never know.
The plane lands, the woman goes to the baggage to claim her box and they bring her a box with a new dog, an exact replica of her old dog. "This is not my dog", she exclaims. "Why yes it is", the captain tells her. "See, it has the same marking!" "This is not my dog", she insists. "How do you know this isn't your dog", he insists.
"My dog is dead!"
================================================================================
The engagement
There were two Jewish women (Ruth and Golda) walking along the street.
Ruth says to Golda, "My son, Irving, is finally getting married. He tells me he is engaged to a wonderful girl, but... he thinks she may have a disease called herpes.
Golda, says to Ruth, "Do you have any idea what this herpes is, and can he catch it?"
Ruth answers, "No, but I am just so thrilled to hear about Irving's engagement. It's past time he's settled. As far as the herpes goes...who knows?"
"Well," Golda says, "I have a very fine medical dictionary at home - I'll look it up and call you,"
So, Golda goes home, looks it up, and calls Ruth........
"Ruth, kenahurra, I found it. Not to worry! It says herpes is a disease of the gentiles!" ------------>(genitals)
=================================================================================
Trouble at School
"Mr Cohen, you had better come over here right away. There has been trouble with your son."
"Vy, vot’s heppened?"
"I can’t discuss it over the phone, you had better come."
So Abe arrives at the school.
"Mr Cohen, I’m very sorry to tell you but we are expelling your son; we can’t tolerate his sort of behaviour here."
"But vy, vot’s he done?"
"Well, to be quite frank, Mr Cohen, we found him playing with his genitals."
"But dat’s not such a terrible ting, some of my best friends are genitals." .............>(gentiles)
=================================================================================
Are There Jews In China?
Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant.
"Sid," asked Al, "Are there any Jews in China?"
"I don't know," Sid replied. "Why don't we ask the waiter?"
When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are there any Chinese Jews?"
"I don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied, and he went into the kitchen. He returned in a few minutes and said, "No, sir. No Chinese Jews."
"Are you sure?" Al asked.
"I will check again, sir." the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen.
While he was still gone, Sid said, "I cannot believe there are no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere."
When the waiter returned he said, "Sir, no Chinese Jews."
"Are you really sure?" Al asked again. "I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews."
"Sir, I ask everyone," the waiter replied exasperated. "We have orange Jews, prune Jews, tomato Jews and grape Jews, but no one ever hear of Chinese Jews!" |
